DEAR ABBY: I am 37 and my husband, "Bernie," is 41. We have been married for 15 years. Our children are 2 and 4. Between our work and caring for the kids, Bernie and I have lost the ability to enjoy each other's company.

In the past, I considered Bernie my best friend. Now he's no longer able to laugh or lighten up. For instance, when we occasionally hire a baby sitter and go out for dinner, all he'll talk about is how much the dinner costs and his "plan" for when we return home. He'll say, "I will pay the sitter; then we'll get the children ready for bed. While I get their pajamas, you start the bath water ..." He goes on and on -- as if we don't do these same things every night of the week! I told Bernie he acts like I am a maid he just hired, but he seems compelled to repeat our routine regardless.

Bernie gives me no longing looks or loving smiles. I wear attractive clothes, offer to pay for dinner and tell funny stories. Nothing I do puts him in a good mood. He seems to be happy only when he's with his golfing buddies. His excuse is, "You're a mother now." Please help me. My self-esteem couldn't be lower. -- LONGING TO SHARE HAPPINESS

DEAR LONGING: Your husband may have an obsessive-compulsive disorder that would explain why he repeats the ritual of putting the children to bed. Medication has proven to be helpful for it, if a person is willing to admit there is a problem and discuss it with a doctor.

His loss of interest in you "because you are a mother" and his retreat to the golf course are problems that can be resolved only through psychotherapy for him and marriage counseling for the both of you. Please don't wait to ask your doctor for a referral. If Bernie refuses to go, go without him. This is not your fault, so please don't blame yourself. Your husband appears to have more baggage than a carousel at O'Hare airport.

DEAR ABBY: Thirty-four years ago, when I was 16, I became pregnant. My parents sent me to a home for unwed mothers where I placed my baby for adoption upon birth.

Two years ago, my birth daughter located me. I agreed to meet her and her family. She had been adopted by a loving and devoted couple. Unfortunately, both parents have recently passed away. The young woman has now decided that I should take on the role of mother to her. She has made it clear that she thinks that I "owe it to her."

Abby, this person is a stranger to me. I do not have a mother/daughter bond with her, and quite honestly, I have no desire to create one. I have my own family and do not want my life turned upside down. I am willing to be her friend or acquaintance, but NOT her mother.

I wish I had never agreed to meet her or to let her know my identity. Why can't she just accept that I will never be a mother to her and leave me alone? -- BIRTH STRANGER

DEAR BIRTH STRANGER: The young woman is clinging to you because the parents who raised her are dead and she thinks you're all she has. She is an adult. Tell her the truth. You gave her life, and besides friendship, that's all you're able to give her.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I just finished reading the letter from "Teen Held Captive" who complained about her parents (especially her dad) being too strict.

I went through the same thing with my parents. I'm now 25 and mature enough to understand that their actions when I was 16 were motivated only by the purest and deepest love for me and my siblings, for which I am thankful.

Some of my friends whose parents were too permissive used drugs, drank alcohol, became promiscuous and got pregnant or took risks that carried bad consequences. Because of my parents, I graduated from a university, achieved my personal and professional goals, and have nothing to regret. -- BEEN THERE TOO, AND HAPPY ABOUT IT, GARDEN GROVE, CALIF.

DEAR BEEN THERE: I received a ton of mail in response to that letter. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: My best friend was constantly grounded for a month or more at a time for the smallest infraction. It made her angry and frustrated, which caused her to go crazy with the sense of freedom when she was able to get out from under her father's controlling eye. On her first night of freedom after being grounded, she put herself in a dangerous situation and got herself killed. She was only trying to have as much fun as she could in the short time she had before having to be back under her father's thumb. -- THE FLIP SIDE IN TEXAS

DEAR FLIP SIDE: You have described a tragedy -- and a parent's ultimate fear.

DEAR ABBY: It is unfair to that teen to shelter her to the extent that she'll be completely unprepared for the real world in two more years. Her parents aren't allowing her to learn street smarts or social skills, and she'll be vulnerable because of it.

Studies show that teens who engage in the least drug use or sex come not from the strictest households (and obviously not from the most permissive), but from moderate ones.

Please tell "Captive's" parents to lighten up a little, so she won't have to go through what I did. All they are fostering in her is anger and resentment. -- ASHLEY IN HIGHLAND PARK, N.J.

DEAR ASHLEY: You are right; there must be a sense of balance.

DEAR ABBY: I could have written that letter myself 15 years ago. That girl should sit down and ask her father what it is that keeps him from trusting her. His strict rules have little to do with protecting her; they have more to do with control and distrust.

The girl is almost an adult. Teens need space to make their own decisions and trust to help them make the right decisions. -- BEEN THERE AND LIED ABOUT IT, EVERETT, WASH.

DEAR BEEN THERE: Parenting is one of the most difficult jobs in the world, not only because it is the parents' job to make unpopular decisions, but because after it has become second nature, the parents must then start "letting go" so that as the child matures, he or she can learn to live independently. A word to the wise: When children are not permitted to make decisions and experience things on their own -- within reason -- they are unprepared to make sound decisions.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am recently divorced from my husband of 17 years. There is someone special in my life now, and my ex-husband is trying to cause problems where my kids are concerned. I have tried to talk to him about keeping his distorted thoughts and opinions about my boyfriend to himself; however, he can't seem to do it.

My daughter is 13 and has a mind of her own. My son is 6, and he acts according to things he has heard my ex-husband say. This is affecting my relationship with my son because I have tried to teach him to be respectful to all adults, no matter who they are. I keep reminding my son that my boyfriend has done nothing to him and deserves to be treated nicely.

Please help. I love this man and want my kids to be a part of our lives. -- HOPEFUL IN N.C.

DEAR HOPEFUL: Since your ex-husband refuses to cooperate, the only other choice is to try to make the children less susceptible to his brainwashing. The next time your son acts out, take him aside and ask him why he's doing it. If he repeats something that his father told him, say, "You know, your daddy is very angry right now -- and sometimes we all say things we don't mean when we're angry." Point out that the boyfriend has always been good to you and to him.

You say at 13 your daughter has a mind of her own. If that means she likes your boyfriend, enlist her help in convincing her brother that the man is not as bad as their father says he is.

If that doesn't work, make an appointment with a child psychologist, and good luck.

DEAR ABBY: I am 48 and have been married 21 years. My husband is the only person I have ever had sex with. For most of our married life, we have had sex three to seven times a week. We had our share of minor sexual problems, but lack of desire was never one of them until a few years ago. I just lost interest. My husband would do everything a loving husband could possibly do to spark romance, to no avail. He would give me wonderful, long massages, my favorite prelude to sex in the past -- and I would just fall asleep.

One night a few months ago, my husband and I were out on a "date." We had just finished dinner, and the next showing of the movie we wanted to see was in two hours. My husband joked that we should go somewhere and park -- and I got a sudden urge I hadn't felt for some time. We found a secluded spot and parked. It was the first time either of us had ever gotten completely naked anywhere outside of a bedroom, and it was the best sex I have had in years. Abby, we had so much fun I didn't want to go to the movie.

We have had some great sex since then, but only when we park somewhere or do it outside our house. I still can't get turned on at home. What is wrong with me? Have you ever heard of this? -- J.D. IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR J.D.: There is nothing "wrong" with you. It appears you are one of those who need an element of "danger" (for instance, the possibility of getting caught) to spark your libido. Warning: Having sex in public is most likely against local, state or federal statutes, so I urge you to be very careful. I have always subscribed to the adage that what goes on between two consenting adults and hurts neither one is OK with me.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)