DEAR ABBY: I am a 36-year-old single woman who has worked as a service dispatcher for the past four years. My longtime boyfriend died of cancer in January 2001.

My relationship with the techs at work is casual and friendly, but one has become very personal. I'll call him Mike. He has been with the company only since December, but we have become very close.

I told Mike about what I went through with my boyfriend's death. He was very understanding. Eventually we slept together. (I hadn't been with anyone since a year before my boyfriend died.)

What complicates things is that Mike is married. In the beginning, it sounded like a divorce was imminent, but since I slept with him, I'm not so sure.

I have tried to tell Mike I shouldn't see him anymore. He insists that he wants to be with me. My head tells me to break things off, but I feel deeply connected to him -- like I've known him forever, and I don't want to lose him.

He knew his wife only one month before they married 10 years ago. They now have two kids, 7 and 4. We haven't slept together other than that one time, but we spend every lunch with each other and time every day after work before Mike has to head home.

Are we having an affair, Abby? Should I feel bad for his wife? I see this man every day. I've told him I can't take this anymore, but he always talks me into keeping things as is. -- IN LOVE AND LOST, SOMEWHERE IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR IN LOVE AND LOST: Yes, you are having an affair -- an emotional affair. And yes, you should feel bad for his wife. He is pouring time and energy into his relationship with you that rightfully should be directed to her and the children.

The only person who can help you out of this mess is you. Mike appears to like things just as they are. That's why he talks you into "keeping things as is." (What a salesman!)

You have experienced one great loss with the death of your boyfriend. It pains me to think about what awaits you when you finally realize that this relationship is going nowhere. Ask yourself how you will feel in another year -- or five, or 10 -- when things are still "as is."

Better to draw the line now. Trust me on that.

DEAR ABBY: I have a son who is 28 and going to (maybe) be a father. The young woman he is with had an old boyfriend, so they are not sure whose baby it is. (She is staying friends with both men.)

This is my first grandbaby, and I am trying not to be too happy for fear the baby is not my son's. They are going to perform a test after the baby is born to see who the father is, but in the meantime, I want to give a baby shower. I have been sick and don't know how much time I have left.

Every baby deserves to have a shower. Please tell me what to do. -- WANTING TO BE A HAPPY GRANDMA

DEAR WANTING: Have the shower anyway, as a loving gesture toward somebody's grandchild. There's a 50/50 chance it's yours, and if it's not, you will have done a good deed.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I work in a hospital emergency room. The other day a patient arrived who had been in a motorcycle crash. He was not wearing a helmet. He had a 4-inch hole in his skull. He left behind a wife and small children.

Abby, I beg you to urge your readers who are motorcycle riders to please wear a helmet. If they won't do it for their own safety, they should do it for the people they love. The loss of this young man's life was a tragic waste. Thank you for spreading the message. -- HEALTH-CARE WORKER, EVERYCITY, U.S.A.

DEAR E.R. WORKER: I am pleased to pass along your message. Your letter triggered the memory of a conversation I had years ago with the late Bruce Conway, a former director of The Living Bank in Houston. We were chatting on the phone one day and the subject of the ideal candidate to be an organ donor came up. In his warm Texas drawl, he defined it short and sweet: "A 19-year-old male, riding a motorcycle and not wearing a helmet." I told him he sounded like a cross between Lyndon Johnson and Dracula.

Since we're on the subject of organ donations, read on:

DEAR ABBY: My father passed away two months ago. He was only 45. Mom and Dad were married for 25 years and had eight children.

Dad was diagnosed with hepatitis C about a year ago. After a year in and out of hospitals and being bedridden, he slipped into a coma, and we had to call an ambulance.

He went into cardiac arrest and was sent to ICU. The doctors told us there was nothing they could do, and they took him off life support.

My father didn't want to die. He didn't deserve to die. We had to wait for him to finally give up. It was horrible.

My father would have lived if he'd had a liver transplant. Abby, please ask your readers to donate their organs. It makes a huge difference in saving lives. My 3-year-old sister keeps asking when Daddy is coming home. She is too young to understand he never will. I don't think she'll even remember him.

My father's death has made me realize that when it is my time to go, any organ I can donate, I will. People should tell family members that they want to be an organ donor. -- DADDY'S GIRL IN WILLIS, TEXAS

DEAR DADDY'S GIRL: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the loss of your father. Organ donation is the ultimate gift of life one can give to another. However, it cannot be done without permission from the survivors, so it's vital that they be told in advance and that they agree.

Readers: The phone number for The Living Bank is (800) 528-2971. The Web address is www.livingbank.org.

DEAR ABBY: I am separated from my husband, "Keith," of 15 years. He is now living with his girlfriend. He comes over to our home every day to visit our three beautiful children.

I love him, Abby, but I just learned that Keith has two marriage licenses in his name -- one with me, and the other with his girlfriend. Isn't this bigamy? What should I do about it? -- HURTING BEYOND WORDS IN HOUSTON

DEAR HURTING: It sounds like bigamy to me. Whether you love him or not, you must protect your and your children's financial interests. I urge you to consult with an attorney as soon as possible to straighten out this mess.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband travels all over the state of Florida as a disc jockey. He provides musical entertainment at weddings, conventions, school dances and corporate events. I recently accompanied him to an evening wedding that was held at an upscale country club.

No sooner had the ceremony begun when a young woman entered, crossed the center aisle and sat down. A moment later, her cell phone began to ring. Instead of turning off the phone, the woman took the call! She got up, walked in front of the videographer, and stood next to my husband and me behind our equipment while speaking loudly to the caller throughout the entire ceremony.

Although countless guests turned around and glared at her, she never once stopped to consider that perhaps her phone conversation was disrupting the bride and groom as they recited their vows, or that her voice would be the only one picked up by the videographer's microphone.

I felt so embarrassed I actually hid behind our equipment in order to avoid the murderous stares from the guests. Only after the ceremony was over did she finally end the call. To add insult to injury, her date arrived right before dinner wearing tennis shoes, shorts and a T-shirt with a nearly naked woman on the back.

Our society seems to have lost touch with any inkling of decent conduct. -- STILL SHOCKED IN FLORIDA

DEAR SHOCKED: How sad that a guest or someone in the wedding party was not assertive enough to escort the woman out of the room. However, since no one was willing to do so, whoever was officiating should have halted the ceremony and firmly instructed her to either end the call or complete it outside.

P.S. It appears she and her date are made for each other.

DEAR ABBY: This is for "Still Bugged in Illinois," whose thoughtful mother gave a bride and groom a gift of $20 (and she hadn't even been invited to the wedding). When the bride opened the envelope, she made a rude remark about the amount of the gift.

I fondly recall a much different response to a similar situation. Before the late Judy Garland married David Rose, a star-studded shower was held at the home of Judy, her mother and sister.

When I arrived and realized that my simple gift couldn't compare with the lavishly wrapped presents I saw, I became embarrassed. I hid my gift behind a potted plant, thinking I could give it to Judy privately after everyone had left the party.

Instead, her butler retrieved my present from behind the plant and added it to the others on the gift table. It was the very first gift Judy opened –- a copper silent butler for which I paid $6.95. It was all I could afford.

Upon opening it, Judy rushed over to me, gave me a big hug and said, "Thank you, Margie -– I love it!" The next gift was a complete portable bar from Joan Crawford, followed by a generous gift from Jimmy Stewart, etc.

"The bigger they are, the more gracious." -- MARGIE STEWART JOHNSON, STUDIO CITY, CALIF.

DEAR MARGIE: A gracious hostess would never humiliate a guest in her home, and Judy Garland was obviously a gracious hostess. Thank you for sharing your story.

P.S. I'm surprised Joan Crawford didn't also give Judy a set of wooden coat hangers.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)