DEAR ABBY: I want to add to your advice to "Confused in New York," the 18-year-old girl who wants to be an architect and whose mother is pressuring her to find a boyfriend. Your advice was on target, but you forgot something.

As an architecture student in my fifth year, I can attest to the fact that "Confused" will not have time for a boyfriend once she starts college. Architecture school is extremely demanding. I rarely had time to sleep, eat and bathe, much less time for a boyfriend and a life outside of school.

She can use this legitimate excuse to keep her mother at bay while she sorts through her feelings about the opposite sex. Once she graduates, she'll have her pick of successful men if that's what she desires.

In the meantime, Mom should lay off the pressure and thank her lucky stars that her daughter is college-bound. -- CAROL IN JACKSON, MISS.

DEAR CAROL: Thank you for the firsthand testimonial. That letter caused me to receive a bushel of letters. Read on for a sample:

DEAR ABBY: That girl's mother needs counseling more than her daughter. What mother in her right mind wouldn't jump for joy over a child who could say: "I'm at the top of my class, play soccer and work in retail after school. One day I'd like to be a great architect. I am a good person, but I don't feel like I am ready to grow up just yet."

In this day and age, where 13-year-old girls are having babies, that mother should be relieved. As you advised, the young woman may need counseling to help her understand why she avoids men, but her mom definitely needs it so she won't push her daughter into relationships she's not ready for and for making her feel like a failure at 18. -- K. WATSON IN FLORIDA

DEAR K.: Well said.

DEAR ABBY: You missed what could be an important point for "Confused in New York." If she spends some time reflecting on who she is vs. who her mother expects her to be, she may find out she's gay.

"Confused" should concentrate on her goal of becoming an architect (preferably at a school far from her hometown) and see how she develops out of her mom's shadow. She can stay single as long as she wants and just explore what's out there.

Whether she's meant to date boys or girls, it will happen when she's ready. -- NO LONGER CONFUSED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR NO LONGER CONFUSED: I agree that the young woman should concentrate on her goals, but I advised her to seek counseling because it will help her to find out, in a safe and nurturing environment, who she is and what she wants.

DEAR ABBY: When I was 18 I, too, had no interest in having a boyfriend. When I was 21, I met the man who is now my husband. He was the first guy who didn't gross me out, and 16 years later, he is still my soul mate.

She should go out, have fun, and do things she loves. When she's ready, she'll meet someone. Other 18-year-olds could take a lesson from her. More power to her. -- HAPPY IN HAYMARKET, VA.

DEAR HAPPY: You're right that true love has no timetable. It usually happens when a person least expects it.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I grew up in a home where my father beat my mother and sexually abused me. I am married now and the mother of two beautiful daughters. After my father died three years ago, I learned that my mother had known what he was doing to me and did nothing to protect me.

My husband's family says I should forgive and forget and let my children enjoy their grandmother. I told my kids what she had "allowed," and they now want nothing to do with her. I think a mother should protect her children at all costs. Am I wrong? Don't I have a right to be angry at her? -- OUTRAGED IN OMAHA

DEAR OUTRAGED: Unless your mother expresses deep regret for failing to protect you, I see no reason to encourage a relationship with someone who ignored the physical and emotional abuse of her child.

Since you and your mother were abused, I urge you and her to seek separate and possibly joint counseling. In that supportive environment, you will find an opportunity to express the trauma you both felt living and growing up in your father's house.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 20-year-old college student in Japan who discovered your column through a class lecture. My instructor is in love with "Dear Abby" and teaches English by reading aloud letters from the column, followed by a class discussion.

This has allowed me to learn about American culture and customs. Some of the situations described in the letters have been a shock to me, while others are common incidents we also experience in Japan.

Please continue helping men, women and children with your kind and correct advice. -- H.N. IN OKINAWA

DEAR H.N.: I'm pleased you enjoy the column and find it helpful. Although there are many differences in our cultures, it's heartwarming to remember how many things we also have in common.

Your instructor is neither the first nor the only educator to use Dear Abby as a teaching tool. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I teach English as a Second Language (ESL) to immigrants in Southern California and find your column helpful in my conversation groups.

Many of my students come from countries with vastly different customs, and your column serves as a wonderful tool to introduce them to American customs.

While my students may have similar issues regarding sex, marriage, divorce, children, etc. in their own countries, the handling of these topics is vastly different in America.

Thanks to your informative column, these students leave my classroom not only with a better knowledge of the English language, but also a better understanding of the customs in this great country of ours. -- ESL INSTRUCTOR IN LOS ANGELES

DEAR ESL INSTRUCTOR: Thank you for the kind words. After reading your letter, I realized that my column is still doing the job it was intended to do when advice columns were first invented.

Around the turn of the last century, a wave of immigration brought a flood of people to this country from Central Europe. In those days immigrants were determined to submerge themselves in the melting pot of American society. Advice columns originated in Yiddish-language newspapers to educate these new arrivals about what was expected of them in their new homeland.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Leon," and I have a 16-year marriage and two young children.

My problem is Leon repeatedly says bad words. He uses the "F" word all the time. I don't curse, and I am always begging him to clean up his language in front of the kids.

When he is around strangers, he hardly ever curses. I beg him to have respect for the kids and watch his mouth, but he gets mad at me and it gets worse.

Our daughter is in the fourth grade and our son is 2 years old. To my dismay, our little boy has started repeating the bad words he hears his dad use.

How can I get through to him that he has an obligation to me and the children to set a better example? -- SICK OF THE SWEARING IN LOS ANGELES

DEAR SICK OF THE SWEARING: Why a mature parent would do such a disservice to his children is beyond me. By example, he is leading them to believe that X-rated language is normal and acceptable.

Years ago, a reader named Monty Insko of Cardiff By The Sea, Calif., said that he broke his brother of the habit of swearing by sending him the following: (Please show it to your spouse.)

10 REASONS FOR SWEARING

1. It pleases Mother so much.

2. It's a fine mark of manliness.

3. It proves that I have self-control.

4. It indicates how clearly my mind operates.

5. It makes my conversation so pleasing to everybody.

6. It leaves no doubt in anyone's mind as to my good breeding.

7. It impresses people that I have more than an ordinary education.

8. It's an unmistakable sign of culture and refinement.

9. It makes me desirable personally among women and children in respectable society.

10. It's my way of honoring God, who said, "Thou shall not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain."

DEAR ABBY: I am a 48-year-old, divorced woman who works in an office with a sweet young woman with whom I've become friends. I'll call her Ellen. She is married with three small children.

A male co-worker recently shared a nasty rumor with me about Ellen. He claimed he had learned that she "sleeps around." When I asked him who said so, he refused to answer.

I immediately defended Ellen's honor and minced no words in telling him that the rumor wasn't true. Either someone is spreading lies about my friend, or someone has betrayed her.

Should I tell her about this rumor, or wait until she finds out about it? I'm the kind of person who is content with myself, and my only interest in Ellen is friendship.

What would you do, Abby? -- EAST COAST WRECK

DEAR EAST COAST WRECK: Tell her. Rumors and sexual innuendoes can ruin a career if they are not dealt with quickly. I see no reason to protect the guilty -- and that includes people who spread gossip.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)