DEAR ABBY: I read that letter from the widower who wondered when to tell his new lady friend that he was unable to fulfill his "bedroom duties." As a single woman in my 50s, please let him know he is not alone in his difficulties. I've learned that as men age, sexual problems become more frequent due to diabetes, heart attacks, prostate trouble and other health problems.

Research shows that couples in their 80s and 90s enjoy sex. Sex is what you make it -- it doesn't have to be intercourse to be enjoyable. Our lives and bodies change with age, so why not our view of sexual pleasure? We should work with what's available.

Men need to communicate openly and honestly with the women in their lives. Doctors need to be aware of how traumatic this is for couples and offer advice, bringing the subject up rather than waiting for the men to bring it to their attention. Some men are too shy or embarrassed to initiate the discussion. Sex is a basic human need, and there is no time line for it. -- A LAS VEGAS READER

DEAR READER: I'm sure you won't be surprised to know that I received hundreds of letters and e-mails from men and women offering support to the writer of that letter. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I applaud you for encouraging that man to seek medical treatment for his problem, as there are, indeed, many new treatments available for erectile dysfunction (E.D.).

However, I want your readers to also know that even if E.D. is untreatable, one's bedroom activities need not be over. The brain is the most important sexual organ that we humans possess, and extending from there, the human imagination offers any number of wonderful ways to express erotic love for our partners.

I would advise that gentleman not only to explore further treatment but also his own and his partner's creativity. There's more than one way for that gentleman to be a red-hot lover to his lady. -- TONY IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR TONY: I agree!

DEAR ABBY: If the widows I know had that man's address, there would be a stampede to his door. Most of the women in my circle who are older than 65 just want dinner and the theater and a peck on the cheek at the door. I'm sure you know this to be true. -- LOIS IN LONG BEACH, CALIF.

DEAR LOIS: Some do; many don't. That's why I never generalize.

DEAR ABBY: A few years ago I was impotent. I was seeing a wonderful woman who, when she learned of my problem, told me, "We'll face it together." With my best friend and soul mate, I found that intimacy and affection are not an X-rated movie. Love is much more important than that.

I later saw a doctor and overcame my problem, but in that time of difficulty, I learned more about love than I had in any of my 40-odd years. If the woman that widower in San Diego loves cannot accept reality, then I hope he can take comfort in knowing there are women in the world who can. I have been there, and I am grateful for my best friend. -- LONGTIME READER

DEAR LONGTIME READER: Although we live in a sex-drenched culture, not everyone has the same appetite, ability or enthusiasm for it. While sex is an important part of a relationship to many people, sex itself is not enough to keep a relationship going. And I have received thousands of letters from readers over the years that prove it.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been with my boyfriend, "Hoyt," for just under two years. I am 17 and he is 19. We have a wonderful relationship. We laugh, cry, fight, and every day seem to grow together as a couple. We love each other very much and want to be together for the rest of our lives. But there's a problem:

We are at a point where we need to focus on our futures. Ideally for me, I'd spend four years at an East Coast art school. Hoyt needs to stay on the West Coast and develop his musical career. We want to be together, but we also know it's important for each of us to develop our talents to the fullest.

Hoyt wants me to go to art school, and I want him to be the professional musician he dreams of being. However, the thought of being 3,000 miles away from each other for four years scares and depresses us both.

Abby, do you think it is possible for us to follow our dreams without losing the love we have for each other? -- FOUND TRUE LOVE IN OREGON

DEAR FOUND TRUE LOVE: I certainly do. With your level of maturity and concern for each other's futures, you can make a long-distance romance work. You can communicate via e-mail, phone calls and letters, and see each other on vacations and holidays. Sharing how you are each progressing toward your dreams will draw you closer.

DEAR ABBY: My fiance's 13-year-old daughter, "Cameron," stays in our home one night a week and every other weekend. She has decided to hang in her bedroom a huge framed picture of her parents taken on their wedding day. (Her mother has since remarried.)

I suggested to my fiance that perhaps Cameron could put the picture up in her room at her mother's, since seeing it every day is annoying for me.

My fiance says I am out of line even to suggest such a thing -- that it's Cameron's bedroom, and what's the big deal, anyway?

No doubt her mother wouldn't allow it being displayed in her home, as it would be disrespectful to her current husband. Well, I don't want it up in our home, because I consider it disrespectful to me.

Am I out of line, Abby? Please help settle this. -- TICKED OFF IN SPRINGFIELD, MASS.

DEAR TICKED-OFF: I agree with your fiance. Cameron's bedroom is her private refuge, and as long as it's kept clean, it should be the way she wants it. And that includes the picture of both of her parents taken in happier days. I urge you to rethink your stance on this, and to develop a more loving and tolerant relationship with your fiance's daughter.

DEAR ABBY: I am an older bachelor who recently moved into a new home. I invited my neighbors -- a young married couple -- over for a home-cooked meal. They brought with them a lovely bottle of wine.

I plan my dinners down to the last detail -- including selecting just the right wine to go with the meal. To make a long story short, I did not serve the wine my guests brought for our dinner.

After thanking me for a wonderful meal and a delightful evening, they took the bottle of wine they had given me and went home! I didn't say anything, but am I wrong to be appalled by their rude behavior? -- MR. NICE GUY IN TULSA

DEAR MR. NICE GUY: Give your neighbors the benefit of the doubt. Although you were under no obligation to serve their wine with the meal you carefully planned, they are a young couple and may have thought you didn't like their selection.

Yes, they should have left the bottle as a house gift -- but please don't let that ruin a budding friendship.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 40-something female personnel recruiter. I have worked for the same company for many years. Once or twice a year, our employers host a party for all employees and their spouses. I love going because it gives me a chance to get to know the wives of the men I work with.

The problem is my husband, "Brad," hates going to these events. Brad claims he has nothing in common with my fellow employees -- or their spouses -- and doesn't feel comfortable mingling. I say he should be able to find something to talk about with someone. He has accompanied me for umpteen years and happens to be in the same profession as a number of the spouses. And then there's always sports -- that's a subject he could talk about in his sleep.

When Brad has gone with me in the past, he has always complained afterward that I didn't pay enough attention to him and that he felt awkward being left alone. I do circulate, but always try to introduce Brad around and bring him into the conversation with people he's meeting for the first time.

This year, he's insisting I go alone, and I'm very disappointed. I would hate to have to lie to my employers and co-workers as to why I'm there solo, but I could never tell them the truth about why Brad didn't want to come.

What irks me is that I'm willing to go with him to his work parties, even if I feel uncomfortable and just stand around with a frozen smile on my face. At least I'm there for my husband. So why can't Brad do the same for me, Abby? Am I wrong to push this issue -- or should I throw in the towel and go without him? -- TROUBLED WIFE IN RIVERHEAD, N.Y.

DEAR TROUBLED WIFE: Your husband has "done the same for you" and it hasn't worked out. He's miserable. Out of the kindness of your heart, go solo this year. I'm sure he'll be grateful. If you are asked about his absence, tell your co-workers that "Brad has other plans." You don't have to say his plans include watching TV in his pajamas. And if anyone asks to be remembered to your husband -- relay the message. Perhaps if he knows someone missed him, he'll feel more comfortable attending next year.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Tony," my 36-year-old never-married boyfriend, for two years. I am divorced with a teenage daughter, "Skylar."

Every summer Tony's entire family gets together at his parents' lakeshore home. Last year I went with him for a long weekend, but didn't take my daughter. This year, however, I've been invited for a week, and I'd like to bring Skylar along.

The problem is Tony's mother doesn't want my daughter to come. She says her three granddaughters need to bond with each other, and if Skylar were included in the visit, the "mix" wouldn't work.

Abby, those girls are the same age as Skylar. They have all met previously and they like each other. Naturally, I'm not going now. Tony will be leaving soon for the weeklong stay, and he doesn't understand why I'm upset over this. Do you think my feelings are justified? -- MAD IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR MAD: Absolutely. The refusal of Tony's mother to accept your daughter is a veiled rejection of you. Even if you and Tony were to marry, his mother would still try to create a wedge between the girls, because she views Skylar as an outsider. Until Tony finds the backbone to stand up to his mother, you'd be wise to rethink the relationship.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)