DEAR ABBY: For the past three months, I've been seeing a guy I met in night class. However, all of a sudden, it seems like our relationship is going backward instead of forward.

He's dealing with a very stressful situation at work, and I'm doing my best to be supportive by not pressuring him. I don't want to seem pushy, so I haven't said anything, but sometimes I feel neglected.

At first, we were e-mailing and talking on the phone daily. We even started calling each other "honey" and "darling." Physically, we're really into each other -- but when we're not in bed, we can't seem to hold a conversation.

Can this relationship be saved? Or is he trying to tell me something? -- LOST AND CONFUSED IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR LOST AND CONFUSED: One of the major problems with jumping into bed with someone without getting to know him first is the problem you're having now. You don't know him well enough to know if he's telling you the truth or trying to back away.

The smartest thing you can do is to be sympathetic about his work problems. Let him talk to you about them. Try to learn more about his interests and concerns outside the bedroom, and talk to him about yours. In other words, give him time and a chance to see that there is more to you than the sexual side.

Whether this relationship has substance or was just a fling remains to be seen. But speaking realistically, few people can sustain indefinitely the level of heat you two were generating. When that cools, there has to be a community of interest for the romance to survive.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 53-year-old woman planning to live with my 54-year-old boyfriend. The term "boyfriend" is the problem. I feel silly introducing him as my boyfriend, but I don't like the terms "lover" or "significant other," "life partner" or "domestic partner." Nothing sounds right to me -- even "friend" feels inappropriate.

Any ideas, Abby? -- EAST COAST LIVE-IN LADY

DEAR LADY: Since you don't like any of the commonly used terms, simply introduce him by his name: "... and this is John Smith." The way you and John treat each other will convey your message more effectively than any label.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 53-year-old woman planning to live with my 54-year-old boyfriend. The term "boyfriend" is the problem. I feel silly introducing him as my boyfriend, but I don't like the terms "lover" or "significant other," "life partner" or "domestic partner." Nothing sounds right to me -- even "friend" feels inappropriate.

Any ideas, Abby? -- EAST COAST LIVE-IN LADY

DEAR LADY: Since you don't like any of the commonly used terms, simply introduce him by his name: "... and this is John Smith." The way you and John treat each other will convey your message more effectively than any label.

DEAR ABBY: "Learned Too Late in Fort Worth" was written by the husband dying of cancer who pondered the wasted years with a wife who was always too busy for him.

That letter reminded me how fortunate I am to spend each precious day with my wife of 60 years. In fact, our relationship once prompted me to write some song lyrics using a theme I hope all seniors with living spouses will embrace.

AUTUMN DAYS

When autumn days remind us that the summertime is gone

And the shadows show the sun is on the wane,

It seems so easy to forget that life continues on

As we revel in our strolls down mem'ry lane.

But then I stop to reason that living knows no season,

And realize our numbered days are few.

That's why I don't recall if summer skies were gray or blue

But live each lovely autumn day with you.

-- FRANCIS STROUP, DEKALB, ILL.

DEAR FRANCIS: You're not only a lyricist, you're also a poet and philosopher. May the melody linger on.

DEAR ABBY: The Friday morning before Memorial Day, I read the letter in your column from Carmella La Spada from the White House Commission on the National Moment of Remembrance. On Memorial Day, I was invited to a barbecue at the home of friends, so I decided to create our own moment of silence.

The gathering included myself, my teen-age son and the host family, which consisted of two more teens and several older relatives. The host had served in the Navy during the Gulf War, so the moment of remembrance held extra meaning for him.

At 3 p.m., the group gathered around the American flag in the front yard. I read Ms. La Spada's letter aloud, as it explained beautifully the reason for the moment of silence. Then my son, who plays the trumpet, played a beautiful rendition of "Taps."

The experience gave me a deep sense of gratitude for the freedoms we enjoy, made possible by all of the men and women who have served in our armed forces down through the history of this country. In that moment, I felt the connectedness of us all.

Thank you, Abby and Ms. La Spada, for helping to make the day truly meaningful. Please sign my name. I am proud to live in the land of the free. -- TERESA ST. GEORGE, WENATCHEE, WASH.

DEAR TERESA: I'm sure Carmella La Spada will be as pleased as I am to know her letter spurred you to action. And I hope your letter reminds everyone who sees it how fortunate we are to live in this great country. The freedoms we enjoy today are the result of great personal sacrifice, and we must never forget it.

DEAR ABBY: The letters you have printed about acts of kindness -- as well as those about the insensitive treatment people with disabilities have received at some restaurants -- reminded me of an experience I had.

My father had many strokes and could no longer speak. However, in spite of his disabilities, my father was excited about giving me away at my wedding.

I took him to a tuxedo shop in North Seattle for a fitting. The young man who helped us could not have been more than 19 or 20 years old. He looked my father in the eye and addressed every question to him, although my father could answer with only a nod or a shake of the head. He was courteous and respectful, and accommodated my father's need to have a tux with a loose collar because of his trach tube.

I'll always be grateful to this kind and sensitive young man. He treated my father like the gentleman he was. The memory of that incident brought me a bit of comfort when my father died a month after the wedding.

I regret that I never properly thanked the young man, nor did I get his name. I hope he sees this -- and that other service providers will realize how much respectful treatment means to people with disabilities and their family members. -- MARY R. SWEENEY, ISSAQUAH, WASH.

DEAR MARY: I, too, hope he sees the letter, and that others in the service professions will learn from that fine young man's example.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been bothered by something that happened a long time ago. In 1943, during World War II, I was a pretty 15-year-old living in Georgia. One evening, I went on a date with a very nice soldier named Elmer. I liked him a lot and he liked me. I wore a beautiful green suit.

We were walking toward the movie theater when I stopped to use a ladies restroom. Elmer waited outside for me. When I came out, two policemen drove past and looked at me. They stopped and ordered me to get into their patrol car. Elmer asked why. The heavy-set policeman said, "Soldier boy, get lost or we'll call the MPs and have you arrested." Then the policemen grabbed me and threw me into the patrol car.

They drove me to a dark church parking lot and raped me. First the heavy-set one, then the other one. Afterward, they drove me home. I felt dirty and violated. I was afraid to leave my home for fear they would return.

I never saw either policeman again and I never saw Elmer again, either. He never knew what happened to me.

In those days, a woman (or in my case, a child) would never dare to tell the authorities because the female was presumed to be automatically at fault. I had no one to talk to. No action was taken.

I am nearly 75 years old now. This happened a lifetime ago, but I remember it vividly -- even the name of one of the officers.

Abby, I hope you print this. In case Elmer is still living, I want him to know what happened to me. We were both nice kids, not bothering anyone. I did nothing wrong, so help me God. -- E.M. IN FLORIDA

DEAR E.M.: I'm printing your letter because I am sure you are not the only rape victim from that era who has been afraid to speak out about her assault. I believe you when you say you did nothing wrong. The men who harmed you violated their position of trust and authority.

Although it has been nearly six decades since your rape occurred, there is still help available for you in the form of post-traumatic stress counseling. Please pick up the phone and call RAINN (the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network) at (800) 656-HOPE (4673). RAINN will connect you with the nearest rape crisis center in your area. Please heed this advice. You'll be glad you did.

DEAR ABBY: My parents, who live in Europe, are finalizing their divorce. So far, I have remained neutral. However, I recently learned some very upsetting news about my dad -- that he's had multiple extramarital affairs. He also bad-mouths my mother to everyone who will listen.

Dad plans to retire next year and wants to visit me and my husband after that. This man is an alcoholic who has never sought treatment. I am not looking forward to his visit, but realize now is not the time to break off my connection with him.

As a compromise, I would like to propose that my dad visit my husband and me for one week -- but with the requirement that no alcohol be brought into our home. Does this sound reasonable, Abby? -- LOYAL TEXAS READER

DEAR LOYAL: If your father's personality changes when he drinks, it's not only reasonable, but it's also sensible. In your home, you make the rules. Remember that when your father objects (as he almost certainly will), and don't cave in.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)