DEAR ABBY: I love reading your column -- every day I learn something.

A longtime girlfriend invited me to visit her in California for a four-day weekend this fall. I am married with two children, ages 5 and 9. I'm also a working mom who sacrifices a great deal for my husband and kids.

My husband is refusing to let me visit my friend, because it means he would have to get the kids off to school two days in a row -- and he'd have them for the entire weekend.

I don't get time to myself very often, so I think he's being unreasonable. Whenever I tell him I want to do something with a friend, he'll say, "When do I get to do something fun?" I always tell him, "Go! Have some fun -- I'm not stopping you."

What do you think about this? Am I being unfair? -- HELD-DOWN WIFE IN SUGAR LAND, TEXAS

DEAR HELD-DOWN WIFE: No, you are not being unfair. Your husband appears to be a man with no friends, no outside interests and no relationship with his children.

It's too bad he doesn't view your trip as an opportunity for special "dad time" with his kids. It could be a wonderful memory and bonding experience for all of them.

DEAR ABBY: I must be old-fashioned, but I believe that dinnertime should be sacred family time. The phone should be turned off and the doorbell ignored.

After many years, I've finally convinced my husband to let the answering machine pick up calls while we're having dinner. However, another problem is that he cannot turn away visitors who come to our door while we're having dinner.

My husband thinks it's rude to turn someone away. I believe his inability to do this is a sign of immaturity and lack of consideration for his family.

Is it rude to tell people, "We are just sitting down to dinner -- may I call you or come by your house when we're finished?"

Please settle this long-standing debate, Abby. Who is right? -- EXASPERATED WIFE

DEAR EXASPERATED WIFE: Much depends upon who the drop-ins are. If they are "regulars," then your family time policy should be explained. If they're out-of-towners who just happen to be in the neighborhood, make an exception, invite them in and order a pizza.

DEAR ABBY: In the 1930s, during the Depression, there were 13 children plus my loving mother and father living in a small three-bedroom house. Our only means of heat and hot water came from a coal-fired stove in the kitchen. While the girls and I (the youngest boy) slept three or four to a bed, our five older brothers slept on the floor of the unfinished attic.

After two more boys came to live with us -- a cousin and a friend whose mother had died -- my mother's friends would ask, "Ellen, how could you take in two more?" My mother's standard answer was: "If you have love in your heart, you will have room in your home."

My siblings and I all have beautiful memories of our childhood. And ironically, many people we knew thought WE were the "rich" people in the neighborhood. How right they were! -- ROBERT LUMADUE, ALTOONA, PENN.

DEAR ROBERT: Your wise mother knew an important truth: Relationships are what make life rich.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: You have said that the secret to being beautiful is feeling beautiful. I learned that lesson on my first day of high school. As I was washing my hands in the rest room, a girl I didn't know started talking to me. I looked up and standing next to me was the plainest-looking girl I'd ever seen. Her face was round and flat. Her thin blond hair hung limply to her shoulders. Her figure was out of proportion and her posture was terrible. However, she was also bubbly, confident and kind.

I was surprised such an unattractive girl had the courage to be so outgoing and friendly. And yet, there she was, completely at ease with herself. I immediately decided I liked her.

I soon learned she was one of the most popular girls in school. Everyone liked her and thought she was beautiful. It seemed I was the only one not blinded by her personality.

As the school year progressed, we became good friends. One day as we talked, I caught myself thinking how much I liked the color of her hair. I tried hard to remember her as ugly -- but I couldn't. She was beautiful.

Since I met that girl, I no longer let my own feelings of inadequacy hold me back. I initiate conversations and refuse to indulge in cruel gossip. Because I want people to see me as pretty, I dwell on being beautiful on the inside and forget about my own limp hair and big nose. -- A FORMER PLAIN JANE

DEAR FORMER PLAIN JANE: There is an old saying, "Pretty is as pretty does." It's a wise woman who learns that lesson early. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I'm swamped with being a mom, a full-time student and a part-time nurse. My deadline for a case study presentation is four hours away, but I am putting my work on hold to address a more pressing issue.

Lesson: ALL women are beautiful. Not only is that statement grammatically correct but it is also psychosocially correct. It's an individual's right to define what is beautiful. Women should be judged on attributes other than physical appearance. Some of my friends who regard themselves as beautiful are spiritually and emotionally deficient. Others who regard themselves as overweight or unattractive exude positive energy and make those around them feel good.

I want my daughter to be judged for her tender heart and her unending efforts to save the Earth and save humanity. She clears trash from the beaches during summer vacations, directs my attention to every Salvation Army bucket at Christmas so the less fortunate can be cared for, and opens her bedroom windows on chilly mornings to hear birds sing. To me, that is true beauty.

Physical beauty dissipates with time. Lasting beauty comes from the heart and becomes eternal as it is passed down to future generations. -- READER ON A MISSION

DEAR READER ON A MISSION: Thank you for a terrific letter. You have said it very well.

DEAR ABBY: My first real kiss was with a girl back in 1988. Now, almost 14 years later, I am still in love with her. Every time I see her, I get butterflies in my stomach, weak knees, and the cat gets my tongue.

I don't know how to go about telling her how I feel. I'm afraid I'll be rejected or lose her friendship. Abby, what should I do? -- HOPELESSLY IN LOVE IN MISHAWAKA, IND.

DEAR IN LOVE: Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Take the risk and tell your friend how you feel. There's a 50 percent chance she feels the same.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am one of identical triplet girls. We're seniors in high school and experiencing some identity problems.

My sisters and I are good at many of the same things. We all play varsity field hockey, are on the cheerleading squad, take many of the same classes and share the same circle of friends.

My problem is I'm sick of being one of the "O'Sullivan triplets." I want to be just "Caitlin." Sometimes boys call our house and ask the sister who happens to answer the phone for a date, because going out with a triplet is a novelty.

Other boys who specifically want to go out with me become intimidated by my two sisters -- so they get cold feet about asking me. Only one boy ever wanted to date me because I'm me -- and he moved out of state.

Teachers keep asking which triplet I am. Coaches sometimes yell at me when their intention is to yell at one of my look-alike sisters. I'm so tired of people referring to us as a threesome.

My fear is that this won't end with high school graduation, because for financial reasons, we're all going to the same college.

Don't get me wrong, Abby, I love my sisters dearly -- but I'm ready to be my own person. How can I accomplish this without quitting the sports I love, giving up the friends I share with my sisters, or switching schools? Sign me ... JUST WANNA BE "ME" IN MARYLAND

DEAR JUST WANNA BE "ME": Discuss your feelings with your sisters. You may be surprised to learn they feel the same way you do. Next, look for ways to "individualize" yourself -- hair color, hair length, style of dress.

When you get to college, enroll in different classes at different times. You may discover you have separate interests. Make an effort to widen your circle of friends. Establishing yourself as an individual may take time, but a college campus is usually larger than a high school campus, so I'm betting your efforts will be successful. Good luck!

DEAR ABBY: My son is married to the most terrific woman in the world. The problem is he spends hours on the computer. The other day I visited a singles site and his name popped up. He had changed his last name, but he posted his picture on the site so I know it's him.

I'm extremely worried that he may be cheating on his wife, and it would kill her if it's true. Should I confront him? -- CONCERNED MOM IN COLORADO

DEAR CONCERNED MOM: By all means confront him. It won't be pleasant, but it might save his marriage. Give him a deadline to tell his wife what has been going on. If he has been fooling around, they both need to be examined for STDs. Her fertility, or even her life, could be at risk.

DEAR ABBY: I hope you can stand another story about the uses of pantyhose:

Three years ago I watched a bird building a nest in an evergreen tree outside our family room window. After a couple of windy days, I noticed the nest had tipped and the eggs had fallen out when a supporting branch broke.

I grabbed a pair of control-top pantyhose, tied the legs around the trunk of the tree and fastened the panty part to two small branches, forming a hammock for the nest to rest in.

I am happy to report that four dove families have used our pantyhose nest each year. And I have doves in my pantyhose as I write this. -- SALLY IN CLOVIS, CALIF.

DEAR SALLY: It's better than bats in your belfry or mice in your rice (to quote an old jingle I haven't heard in years!).

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)