DEAR ABBY: I'm not sure how to handle a problem I have when I call my sister. I love her dearly. Not only do I want to talk with her, but I NEED to talk with her. We live in different states and rarely get to see each other.

Almost every time I call her, I get very frustrated because I feel like I'm talking to a mother who has a 2-year-old child begging for attention. However, it isn't her child -- it's her husband. He gropes at her and talks in her ear while we try to make conversation. It's very distracting for her and irritating to me.

Since I work during the day, I have to call in the evening. On weekends I never know when he'll be home. How can I handle this? I haven't called her in weeks and I feel guilty about it. -- PERPLEXED ON THE EAST COAST

DEAR PERPLEXED: Unless your timing is terrible and you have a knack for catching your sister and her husband in an amorous embrace, or he finds the ringing of a telephone sexually stimulating, I'd say you have him pegged correctly.

Other than telling your sister how his actions make you feel, there is nothing you can do. This is a boundary problem she will have to handle.

In the future, ask her to call YOU when she has some privacy.

DEAR ABBY: I am 16 years old and having trouble finding a way to tell my parents that I'm a lesbian. Every day I wish I could find the courage to say, "Mom, Dad, I'm gay!" but it's a lot more complicated than that. They are very religious, and I have seen firsthand how they react to homosexuality. That's why it's going to be so hard to break the news. I don't want to tell them, but I know that I HAVE to in order to get on with my life. What should I do? -- TRAPPED IN GEORGIA

DEAR TRAPPED: There is no one-size-fits-all answer to that question. Some parents feel that homosexuality is a choice, and that by coming out, their child is being defiant. Parents like that have been known to throw the child out or make life so difficult at home that the child becomes a runaway.

Your know your parents better than I do. If that description applies to them, postpone your announcement until you are out of high school and self-supporting.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Erin," recently married her boyfriend, "Doug," after a four-year, on-again/off-again romance. Doug's a nice guy, but verbally abusive when he drinks. The next day, Doug conveniently "forgets" what he said or how he behaved.

Erin is frightened by Doug's threats when he's drunk. She's afraid one day he will carry them out. Abby, my husband and I don't want to be interfering in-laws, but we're concerned for our daughter's safety. Would it be out of line for us to talk to him and suggest he get help? -- FEARFUL IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR FEARFUL: I don't recommend it. It would only make him defensive. Unless your daughter draws the line, there is nothing to prevent his behavior from escalating -- and mark my words, when it does, he will also conveniently "forget" what happened.

Please urge your daughter to go to Al-Anon (it's listed in the phone book) and gain the information and support she needs to handle this. No one can do it for her.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: After reading the letter from "Proud Mom in Ohio," who was upset about the Cub Scout derby races, I recalled our solution to the problem of overly helpful parents.

In the U.S. Air Force, we had a real problem with actual rocket scientists and aerodynamic engineers. Some of the entries were so near perfection that we Cub pack leaders came up with the solution of classes of competition: beauty, speed, uniqueness, and the obvious "car completely built by the Cub Scout himself." The last category became the most coveted prize at the event.

Because members of the military are often subject to unplanned absences, we instituted a system whereby other fathers would fill in and assist a boy without a dad. When I supervised, I always insisted on "elbow grease" that resulted in a good job even by those young boys. My sons complained that I was overly enthusiastic when a youngster I assisted beat them. Their comment: "Did you HAVE to help him so good?" -- LARRY KRUGER, MAJOR, USAF (Ret.), VICTORVILLE, CALIF.

DEAR LARRY: Many readers identified with that letter. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I speak from experience when I say that "Proud Mom" can make a difference. Scout programs are run by volunteers. Cub packs have monthly committee meetings where these events are discussed and planned far in advance. She should join the pack committee and suggest changes in the way the derby is run to ensure that it is done fairly.

I have volunteered at all levels of the Boy Scout program, from den mother to assistant scoutmaster. The Boy Scout and Cub Scout programs need parents like "Proud Mom in Ohio," and I know her comments would be greatly appreciated. -- JO-ANNE CAMMORATA, HANOVER, MASS.

DEAR JO-ANNE: You're right. Change has to come from within.

DEAR ABBY: I am a single mom who raised my son alone. I had him join Cub Scouts so he could spend time with other boys and become involved in activities such as race car derbies. My father, a retiree, supervised while my son worked for hours on his car.

At the derby, the boys lined their cars up on a table. I could tell my son was embarrassed by his entry in comparison to the others. It was obvious that some of them had been made by the fathers. My heart went out to my son when his name was called and he picked up his crude-looking race car.

Believe it or not, he won first place!

My son is now 15, and in his bedroom he still displays that trophy, the car, and a photo of him and his grandfather taken on that special day. -- NEVER SO PROUD, JERMYN, PA.

DEAR NEVER SO PROUD: I understand why. It was his first major victory. Something tells me it won't be his last.

DEAR ABBY: That mother should do what we did on derby day. After watching the overly enthusiastic adults at the event, I suggested that the following year we offer them the chance to participate in their OWN race with their OWN cars. It worked like a charm! The grown-ups had a chance to strut their stuff, and it alleviated the need to take over their sons' project. -- FORMER SCOUT LEADER, DANVILLE, CALIF.

DEAR FORMER LEADER: YOU deserve a trophy for a clever solution.

NOT CONFIDENTIAL: Happy 84th birthday to the matchless "Sioux City Twins" -- my mother, Pauline, in LA, and Aunt Eppie in Chicago. -- LOVE, JEANNE

NOTE: The above birthday greeting was written three weeks ago. Today, with a heavy heart, I and the rest of the Phillips family offer our deepest sympathy to my Aunt Eppie's grieving family and loyal staff. -- JEANNE

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: Our family had a very unpleasant experience last Fourth of July. In the early afternoon, my 20-year-old daughter was gardening in the front yard of her home near the university she attends when she was struck by a bullet.

Not realizing the nature of her injury, my daughter thought she had broken a bone or pulled something in her leg. In the hospital emergency room, the admitting nurse recognized the wound for what it was and called the police. The bullet had entered the back of her leg above the knee, traveled down, and lodged between the bones above her ankle. The doctors decided to leave the bullet where it is.

According to the police, the gun could have been discharged blocks away, and it was probably fired by someone celebrating the holiday. Don't people realize that bullets come down with almost as much force as they go up? Here in Portland, it is against the law to discharge a firearm within city limits.

My precious daughter could have been hit in the head or chest with far more serious consequences.

Abby, please remind your readers about the dangers of discharging firearms into the air. Those bullets have to fall somewhere. -- RICHARD DANIELS, PORTLAND, ORE.

DEAR RICHARD: Your daughter was lucky not to have been killed. Although I have warned readers in the past about firing weapons into the air, I have not had such a graphic example of what can result!

Readers, please celebrate safely this Fourth of July. And if you see someone behaving irresponsibly with a weapon, please report it to the police immediately. You could save a life.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Rick," and I separated two months ago because someone called my mother and told her Rick was cheating. I didn't question him about it; I simply packed his stuff and threw him out. Rick swears he has never cheated on me.

Since then, I have had many heated discussions with my mother because she won't quit digging for dirt on him. She has told everyone she knows about my marital problems.

Rick and I are seeing a counselor, and I need to know how to get my mother and the rest of my family to quit talking behind my back. I want what is best for me, but nobody will give me a chance to figure out what that is.

I still love Rick and I honestly don't know where my marriage stands. He and I argue frequently over my family's involvement. Please help. -- DESPERATE FOR PEACE IN INDIANA

DEAR DESPERATE: I'll try, but you're already getting too much outside advice as it is. Marriage means forsaking all others, and that goes not only for your husband, but for you as well.

If you and Rick want to save your marriage, it's time to circle the wagons and fight to stay together. And that means listening only to the professional counselor.

DEAR ABBY: Please help my lady friend and me settle an argument. I gave her a ring. She refuses to wear it on her "ring" finger, i.e., next to the little finger, left hand. She says that finger is for a wedding ring or an engagement ring only. I say any ring can be worn on that finger, including, but not exclusively limited to, a wedding ring. Please help. -- FINGERED IN FLORIDA

DEAR FINGERED: A woman wears a ring on the third finger of her left hand to let people know she is spoken for. If you and this lady do not have that kind of an understanding, then expecting her to wear a ring on that finger is premature.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

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