DEAR ABBY: I had an ear infection while my regular doctor was out of town. The doctor I was referred to has practiced here for many years.

While I was seated in the examination room, the doctor stood behind me looking around the side into my ear. No nurse was present. Suddenly, without warning, I felt his hand go down my blouse and into my bra. I was so shocked I stood up and walked out.

I have since learned that this doctor does a "breast exam" on his female patients each time he sees them. I have talked with some of these women (my friends), and they see nothing wrong with this method of examination. In fact, they feel fortunate to be checked so often. I say this is not the way to do a breast exam. What do you think? -- NO DOCTOR'S PLAYMATE

DEAR NO PLAYMATE: I think you need a second opinion, and it should come from the licensing committee of the state in which this doctor is playing doctor. The way he's doing breast exams is highly unusual and may even be sexual battery.

DEAR ABBY: I have been a loyal employee working for the same company for nearly 40 years. Six months ago they switched to a new computer system. It has been very stressful for me and others in my age bracket to learn the new procedures. Younger people seem to grasp them more easily.

Management won't give me a buy-out package, and I am too young to retire. I was hoping my last seven years with the company would be pleasant. I hate going to work. I hate feeling ignorant. What should I do? -- BAYPORT BABY BOOMER

DEAR BAYPORT BABY BOOMER: It's normal to feel unsure of things new and foreign to our experience. Since you can't avoid the changes that have occurred, change your attitude and join the computer evolution.

Because you and the other older workers are behind in the learning curve, ask your boss to provide extra computer classes and workshops for those of you who did not grow up with computers. It's cost-effective and will save the company time and money in the long run -- as well as relieve the stress you and others are experiencing.

DEAR ABBY: Today many extended families use the word "step." After my mother died and Dad remarried, we didn't know how to address his new wife. She was quick to suggest "Bonus Mom." Since she and my father lost their spouses within days of each other, they consider this their "bonus time" together.

Extended families should adopt the word "bonus" and dump the word "step." It's a great conversation starter, too. -- BONUS FAMILY IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR BONUS FAMILY: I like the positive message that "bonus" conveys. It connotes something unexpected and desirable. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: In response to the woman in Canada who told her stepson to refer to her as his "Wicked Stepmother," my 13-year-old stepson and I have coined a new word for our relationship. He calls me "S'Mom." It's an abbreviated version of "stepmom." It expresses the affection we have for each other and has become a term of endearment. -- GLAD TO BE A S'MOM IN VIRGINIA

DEAR GLAD: S'marvelous idea! Thanks for sharing.

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DEAR ABBY: While terrorism remains on the minds of Americans in the wake of the 9-11 tragedy, millions of other people silently cope each day with another form of terror. They are survivors of torture.

More than half a million of these people live in the United States. They are individuals and families who have suffered for their belief in democracy or their membership in a particular ethnic or political group, often at the hands of dictatorial foreign governments.

Their scars are both physical and mental, but with the help of 30 torture treatment centers nationwide, they are putting their pasts to rest. While Sierra Leone and Somalia seem a world away to most Americans, survivors of these war-torn countries are increasingly becoming our friends and neighbors, teachers and ticket-takers, all of whom are building new lives for themselves.

According to Amnesty International, torture is used in more than 150 countries. Individuals suffer horribly at the hands of their captors from torture designed to silence entire communities. It is used as a weapon to eliminate dissent. Its goal is to breed fear and destroy human rights, often to gain or retain political power.

Please, Abby, let your readers know that help is available for those who need it. Those willing to help end these senseless acts can learn more about this frighteningly common practice and how to help stop it by visiting www.cvt.org. Thank you. -- DOUGLAS JOHNSON, EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, CENTER FOR VICTIMS OF TORTURE, MINNEAPOLIS

DEAR DOUGLAS: Tomorrow, June 26, marks the fifth U.N. International Day in Support of Victims of Torture, and I'm sure that many of my readers will be interested in learning more about this. It's easy for those of us who have lived our lives in a democratic country to envision victims of torture as people who are in distant lands. The fact that more than half a million victims of this kind of repression are literally our neighbors may come as a surprise to many people.

Our country is truly a refuge for "huddled masses yearning to breathe free." Those who wish to add their voices in protest of man's inhumanity to man and hasten the end of this barbaric practice should visit the Center for Victims of Torture Web site.

DEAR ABBY: This is a letter of thanks and a warning.

For Mother's Day, my adult children and spouses brought all the fixings to my home for a barbecue. I didn't have to do a thing. We had a wonderful time, and everyone went home by 9 p.m.

Around midnight, I was awakened by the sound of sirens and got up to see where the fire trucks had stopped. To my horror, they were parked in front of my house! One of my sons had cleaned the barbecue grill, swept the hot ashes into a paper bag, put them on the wooden deck and forgot them. They smoldered for hours, causing my deck to become engulfed in flames. That's the warning.

My thanks go to the unknown neighbor or passer-by who called 911 and saved our lives. -- NADINE MEEHAN, SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR NADINE: Talk about throwing cold water on a warm memory! Embers should be disposed of in a metal container with water or allowed to burn out in the barbecue.

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DEAR ABBY: I have been a camp director for 14 years. I strongly disagree with one of the suggestions offered by "Frustrated in Georgia" to parents when selecting a camp for their children.

She suggested that if parents "drop in" on a session and are not permitted to see their little camper in action, the parents should ask WHY they cannot be allowed to meet their children, wherever they happen to be at the time.

Security is a big concern. To limit intruders, everyone must check in at the office. Also, it has been my experience that if kids see their parents -- or even other kids' parents -- it can trigger homesickness.

The rest of the advice to parents was excellent, but I would like to add two more suggestions:

First, make sure that your camper is never allowed to wander without supervision.

Second, encourage your camper to follow safety rules, even if you don't agree with the rules.

Example: We ask our campers to wear socks and closed-toe shoes because of the terrain. Tops with sleeves are also a requirement, in order to limit sunburn at high elevations.

You would be amazed how many parents don't agree with these rules and let their children know it! Those are the kids we have the hardest time keeping safe.

We've had parents scoff because we limit desserts, try to serve healthy food, and ask each child to drink water instead of soda pop at every meal. Parents send bags of candy with their kids and instruct them not to tell the counselor. Abby, near our campsites, there are bears that love candy.

Please let parents know that most camp employees are dedicated to keeping their children safe and healthy, but we need their support. -- CALIFORNIA CAMP DIRECTOR

DEAR CAMP DIRECTOR: When everybody knows the rules in advance and follows them, a lot of confusion and misunderstanding can be avoided. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I worked at a camp for several summers and would like to add further suggestions for parents:

(1) Check to see if the camp is accredited by the American Camping Association. I had to go through a couple of the accreditation visits, and they are rigorous. Plumbing and sleeping facilities are thoroughly checked, and random interviews with counselors take place to ensure that everyone is well versed on safety precautions and procedures.

(2) If you have a problem with the camp, let the camp director know. Those in charge may be unaware of the problem, and there is no way to remedy it if they are not notified.

Thanks, Abby. -- FORMER CAMP COUNSELOR

DEAR FORMER CAMP COUNSELOR: Thank you for bringing this organization to my attention. The ACA accredits more than 2,000 camps, all of which must comply with up to 300 standards for health, safety and program quality. Its mission is to educate camp owners -- particularly in the area of health and safety -- but also to assist the public in choosing camps that meet both industry-accepted and government standards.

CONFIDENTIAL TO "DAIRY QUEEN" IN DUBUQUE: "If happiness truly consisted of physical ease and freedom from care, then the happiest individual would not be either a man or a woman; it would be, I think, an American cow." -- William Lyon Phelps (1865-1943).

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