DEAR ABBY: The woman who asked if there were any rules of etiquette or guidelines for when an ex-spouse is hospitalized or dies, reminded me of a painful incident.

When my beloved husband died, his ex-wife was not only at the funeral home thanking everyone for coming (as though she were the bereaved widow), but she spoke at length at the Catholic Mass about how she found "acceptance, forgiveness, blah, blah, blah ..."

That woman had been married to my husband for only seven years, and they had been divorced for 13 years when I married him. We had been married for 13 happy years. That I couldn't bury my dear husband without this woman's interference was very upsetting. -- STILL UPSET IN FLORIDA

DEAR STILL UPSET: If it's any comfort, I'm sure other mourners at the funeral found the former wife's behavior as bizarre as you did. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Your reply to the ex-wife concerning whether or not to attend her ex-spouse's funeral left out an important component. You advised her to ask permission from wife No. 2 about attending. What about the wishes of the children?

If Mom's presence was desired at graduations, weddings and baptisms, then my guess is the kids would want her to attend their father's funeral.

It would be insulting to have to "ask permission" for your own mother to attend your father's funeral. Children of divorce are the victims of a relationship gone awry. When a parent dies, they shouldn't be victimized again. Allow the children closure, no matter what wife No. 2 prefers. The funeral will be the last time the children see their parents "together," and there will be enough grief already. -- SUZI GIBBONS, RICHARDSON, TEXAS

DEAR SUZI: You have a point. I don't think the children should have to ask permission. However, the considerate thing to do would be for wife No. 1 to call wife No. 2 and express her condolences -- and for her to ask if her presence at the funeral would be disruptive or painful.

DEAR ABBY: I am a wife and mother of four who works full time. My time with my family is limited. Over the past four months, it has become even more so because of a weekend house guest.

Ever since my best friend, "Loretta," began dating my brother, she has invited herself to spend every weekend at my house. This is due to the fact that she lives a couple of hours from the city in which we all reside.

What makes matters worse is that Loretta baby-sits for other people while they go out of town, and she'll bring the child (or children) with her to our house!

I was raised to believe that you don't just invite yourself to someone else's home, and I consider Loretta's behavior extremely rude. How can I stop this without reducing myself to her level of rudeness? Abby, please help! -- WANTING MY HOUSE BACK IN KENTUCKY

DEAR WANTING: Speak with candor; being honest is not rudeness. Until you stiffen your backbone this situation will continue -- so stop postponing the inevitable and speak up.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My about-to-be-ex-husband and I have friends who should be notified that he has a new address and phone number. He agrees that we should let our friends know before Christmas.

I am planning to create announcements on my computer and mail them to the people on our Christmas card list. What do you think? Is it acceptable to send divorce announcements? -- DIVORCED IN KANSAS

DEAR DIVORCED: Yes, and it's a subject that has been addressed before in my column.

While a computer-generated announcement may seem like less work, a more personal touch would be to write a short note to your friends and family that you and "John" have amicably gone your separate ways.

Since you're no longer a couple, your former husband should shoulder the responsibility for notifying his friends and relatives about his contact information.

Read on for my favorite tongue-in-cheek divorce announcements:

SPLIT!!

After six years

Lester and Betty

Have seen the light.

Married Nov. 8, 1966

Divorced Nov. 6, 1972

Both are happily back

in circulation.

Call Lester: 555-6500 (after 9:00 p.m.)

Betty: 555-1115 (any time)

IT'S OFFICIAL

Coleen and Michael G. Lamour

have parted amicably and

without rancor.

Coleen is once again happily

Ms. Coleen Mahoney

Residing at the Honeycreek Towers.

Michael's permanent residence

is now on his boat: "I, Pagliacci,"

Where he will continue to drift

aimlessly ... forever!

WITH HAPPY HEARTS

Lionel and Jane

announce with pleasure

the severance of all

legal and/or other bonds

that may have existed

between their daughter

Janet and That Boy.

With the new month of August

Janet enters into a new

and beautiful single life.

As for That Boy --

May the Great Honcho in the sky

love him and keep him --

someplace else.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: After days of meeting in Vatican City, the U.S. cardinals came to an official agreement on zero tolerance for child molesters. They say, "One strike and you're out."

I am enraged and deeply saddened that it took a group of grown men a trip halfway around the globe to conclude the obvious. Were they perhaps considering other options -- like THREE strikes and you're out? The real humdinger is that they will not necessarily apply the zero-tolerance rule to priests who molested children years ago but have repented and are well-received by their community. Where is the debate? Child molester. I'll say it again ... CHILD MOLESTER! It's time to take these people away from our children and our churches and put them in jail where they belong. -- LAURA IN LOS ANGELES

DEAR LAURA: I'm sure the majority of American Catholics agree with you. However, let's not bash the priesthood, which has many dedicated members. The problem of abuse of a trusted position exists in every religion and in every profession. The disgrace in this case is that information was suppressed and ignored for decades.

Among the letters I have received on this subject was one from a man in the Midwest, who wrote:

"As a young boy, I was molested by my priest. I thought I had brought it on myself, and I was so ashamed I never told a soul about it. Because of the recent revelations about the church, I finally found the courage to confide what happened to my closest friend. Do you know what his response was? 'It happened to me, too.'

"Abby, I wonder how many others there are like me and my friend -- who were also molested and never spoke up."

That's a good question. I urge any reader who was molested by anyone as a child to come forward and bring it to light by reporting it TO THE POLICE. A victim has no reason to feel guilt or shame. Those are emotions that should be felt by the perpetrator of such a crime. Reporting molestation not only begins the process of healing for the victim, but could also prevent other children from becoming victims, too.

DEAR ABBY: Three or four months ago, my "Aunt Rosa" hosted a "get-acquainted" luncheon and invited several of her new neighbors. One neighbor, "Mrs. Miller," complimented Aunt Rosa on her delicious Mexican casserole.

The following week, Mrs. Miller called Aunt Rosa and announced that she had broken her back. Then she asked if my aunt would prepare dinner for her -- and to please make it her "scrumptuous" Mexican casserole. Aunt Rosa was flattered. She said she was happy to help her in her time of need. Before hanging up, Mrs. Miller threw in that she'd like my aunt to pick up a dessert for her -- and to make the casserole for six, because she was having company!

Abby, Aunt Rosa spent a lot of time and money -- and never received so much as a "thank you" for her efforts. Mrs. Miller's husband even had the nerve to show up at my aunt's house with his daughter to sell her some Girl Scout cookies. Aunt Rosa said Mr. Miller looked perfectly healthy. He could have made the Mexican casserole himself or ordered take-out. I am still furious that my Aunt Rosa was treated in this despicable manner. Your thoughts, please. -- DISGUSTED IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR DISGUSTED: How do you say "chutzpah" in Spanish? Mrs. Miller needs to hear it -- and so does Aunt Rosa.

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