DEAR ABBY: I write a monthly column called "Abilities," for people with disabilities, which appears in the San Diego Union-Tribune. In it I try to enlighten and empower others with and without disabilities.

You were right to advise "Confused in Kingston, N.Y." to level with her friend about the cruel comment his fiancee made about her club foot, which caused her to bow out of the wedding party. However, the truth is that life is too short to waste time trying to right every wrong. I don't ignore rude remarks like the one featured in that letter, but in most instances, I consider the source.

Abby, there are many battles to fight in life, but this type of battle is not one I choose to tackle. I believe that each of us has the right to choose whom we want to include in our lives. Cultivating WILLING friendships is far more gratifying than struggling to salvage those that weren't meant to be. -- MARILYN SALISBURY, SAN DIEGO

DEAR MARILYN: While I agree that one cannot force friendships, let's not forget that there was already a well-established friendship -- that of the groom and the woman who wrote to me.

When a couple plan their wedding, they usually discuss and agree upon who their attendants will be. If the bride-to-be had an objection, the person to whom she should have voiced it was the groom -- which would have saved a lot of hurt feelings. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: As a professional wedding coordinator, I must respond to "Confused."

Last year I worked on two weddings held only a month apart. I'll never forget them. The first could have been a layout in a fashion magazine. The bride and groom were gorgeous, their clothing perfect -- all five bridesmaids were petite and stunning, and the male attendants looked like models. However, the behavior of the wedding party at the rehearsal and ceremony showed that they valued appearance above all else. I later found out that the couple had hired people from their health club to serve as their attendants to assure the pictures would look good.

I couldn't help but compare the experience with the next wedding I coordinated. The bride sat down with me before the rehearsal and told me that her cousin, a bridesmaid, was in a wheelchair and very ill. The bride wanted to be sure everything would be handled with sensitivity. We discussed the procession, ceremony and reception in detail, with the bride's focus on her cousin's comfort. It turned out to be a glorious day. Their love and caring radiated to everyone in attendance. Sadly, one month later her cousin died.

Need I tell you which wedding was more beautiful? More meaningful? It had nothing to do with physical appearance.

The groom whose fiancee did not want his friend with the club foot to participate in their wedding should take a long, hard look at his bride-to-be. She is either too immature or too selfish to understand what their ceremony should really celebrate. -- JUDY IN TUCSON

DEAR JUDY: I agree. The most important ingredient in a wedding should, above all, be love.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Father's Day is coming soon, and with it comes the challenge of selecting a special gift for Dad. I would like to offer a suggestion: Schedule him for a medical exam to determine his risk for heart attack and stroke -- truly a gift of love and hope.

I know from personal experience how important that exam can be. My grandfather died at 76 of his second stroke (after my mother had been his caretaker for nine years). And I am a dad who had heart bypass surgery 18 years ago, and an angioplasty this spring to widen narrowing arteries near my heart.

I have suffered and watched others suffer. I have lost and watched others lose. I have seen the fear, dread and uncertainty of those who live with someone who has heart disease or stroke.

But there's good news: Although diseases of the heart are the nation's No. 1 killer and stroke is No. 3, for men and women alike, THEY'RE NOT INEVITABLE. Lifestyle changes -- diet, exercise, etc. -- can eliminate some risks; medical treatment can control others.

So, for the sake of Dad's health, please schedule that appointment. It's a loving gift that the entire family will appreciate. -- LARRY SADWIN, CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD, AMERICAN HEART ASSOCIATION

DEAR LARRY: While your gift idea may not be traditional, thank you for a heartfelt suggestion. And what better gift can a husband and father give to his family than peace of mind?

DEAR ABBY: I am a single guy and would like to know at exactly what time adults lose their minds after having kids. Allow me to share two recent experiences involving irresponsible parents.

My sister called to ask if I could help her husband fix their car. The repairs were major and would take four to six hours. Imagine my surprise when my brother-in-law showed up with my 4-year-old niece. When I questioned the logic, he mumbled something about it being "his turn" to watch her. But, Abby, he brought nothing along for her to do -- no toys, no books -- nothing. You can imagine how many times we were interrupted by this poor bored-to-tears child. I called my sister after they left to ask her reason for sending the kid. She accused me of not loving my niece and hung up on me!

The next day, some friends showed up unannounced with their 3- and 5-year-old sons. I ran out to get snacks and returned to total chaos. The younger child had trashed my living room and was throwing things at my dog. The 5-year-old had gone into my bedroom and was playing with my new, expensive guitar, while Mom and Dad merrily drank beer in the kitchen, ignoring their children. When I raised my voice, they proceeded to berate me, saying they don't talk to their kids that way, and I should childproof my house! They left in an uproar.

Maybe I'm missing something, Abby, but I don't feel I did anything wrong. Neither party is speaking to me. Any advice? -- SINGLE FOREVER IN NEW ENGLAND

DEAR SINGLE FOREVER: Only this. If you want a relationship with these friends and relatives, keep on hand a supply of age-appropriate books and toys "in case of emergency." Not only would it be the kind thing to do, but it would reduce further childish behavior on the part of the adults.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am dying of cancer. For the past few days, I have been pondering the wasted years I have spent with my wife. We never savored our time together.

Surely I am at fault, but from the early days of our marriage, my wife was always "too busy" to sit and talk or go for walks. There was always another load of clothes or dishes to wash, or an important phone call to make.

When we had children, she was too busy to go with us to the playground or church. Even though I would bathe the kids and clean up the bathroom, she'd follow behind me and clean it again because it wasn't "clean enough." She wouldn't let me change the baby's diapers because I "might not do it right." I couldn't even put the dishes in the dishwasher correctly -- only she could. So, as you can see, I wasn't much help around the house. As an attorney, I brought home more than enough money to hire a housekeeper, but no one was up to her standards.

She was usually asleep when I left for work. We were seldom ever awake in bed at the same time -- so we rarely made love. I don't even know what time she comes to bed. I often find her still awake when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom.

Abby, I love my beautiful wife and have never strayed, but I suspect she will be too busy to miss me much after I have gone. I am writing this because I hope other couples will use their time together more wisely. -- LEARNED TOO LATE IN FORT WORTH

DEAR LEARNED TOO LATE: I'm sure your wife thought that by being "Superwoman" she was meeting your needs. How sad that no one ever told her that there is far more to being a good wife than having "whiter whites" and spot-free dishes.

You and she seem to have lived parallel lives -- always on the same freeway, but never in the same lane. Although it is too late for you, thank you for wanting to warn other couples for whom it is not too late. Peace be with you.

DEAR ABBY: I love my boyfriend, "Joe," with all my heart; however, we have a communication problem. Sometimes I feel he is dodging me or doesn't want to talk to me. Joe thinks our conversations always lead to an argument, so he tries to avoid talking.

Joe recently moved six hours away, making it even harder to talk. I understand he may be excited about living in a new town, but I feel I deserve a little more respect than I'm getting. I'd like to talk to Joe about this, but every time I call him he ignores my questions and practically hangs up on me.

Abby, how can I improve our communication? -- ALONE BY THE TELEPHONE

DEAR ALONE: I hate to appear negative, but where do you get the idea that this man is your boyfriend? It's time to move on, because Joe already has -- physically and emotionally.

DEAR ABBY: After being married for 30 years, I told our oldest son (just home from the Navy) that I could still feel my heart lift when his dad walked into the room. My son said it was just infatuation.

It has been 61 years now, and I still feel the same. Do you think my son was right? -- MOTHER OF 10

DEAR MOTHER: No. Your son was mistaken. If after 61 years of marriage your heart still "lifts" when you see your husband, you have the special kind of love that everyone aspires to.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)