DEAR ABBY: Father's Day is coming soon, and with it comes the challenge of selecting a special gift for Dad. I would like to offer a suggestion: Schedule him for a medical exam to determine his risk for heart attack and stroke -- truly a gift of love and hope.

I know from personal experience how important that exam can be. My grandfather died at 76 of his second stroke (after my mother had been his caretaker for nine years). And I am a dad who had heart bypass surgery 18 years ago, and an angioplasty this spring to widen narrowing arteries near my heart.

I have suffered and watched others suffer. I have lost and watched others lose. I have seen the fear, dread and uncertainty of those who live with someone who has heart disease or stroke.

But there's good news: Although diseases of the heart are the nation's No. 1 killer and stroke is No. 3, for men and women alike, THEY'RE NOT INEVITABLE. Lifestyle changes -- diet, exercise, etc. -- can eliminate some risks; medical treatment can control others.

So, for the sake of Dad's health, please schedule that appointment. It's a loving gift that the entire family will appreciate. -- LARRY SADWIN, CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD, AMERICAN HEART ASSOCIATION

DEAR LARRY: While your gift idea may not be traditional, thank you for a heartfelt suggestion. And what better gift can a husband and father give to his family than peace of mind?

DEAR ABBY: I am a single guy and would like to know at exactly what time adults lose their minds after having kids. Allow me to share two recent experiences involving irresponsible parents.

My sister called to ask if I could help her husband fix their car. The repairs were major and would take four to six hours. Imagine my surprise when my brother-in-law showed up with my 4-year-old niece. When I questioned the logic, he mumbled something about it being "his turn" to watch her. But, Abby, he brought nothing along for her to do -- no toys, no books -- nothing. You can imagine how many times we were interrupted by this poor bored-to-tears child. I called my sister after they left to ask her reason for sending the kid. She accused me of not loving my niece and hung up on me!

The next day, some friends showed up unannounced with their 3- and 5-year-old sons. I ran out to get snacks and returned to total chaos. The younger child had trashed my living room and was throwing things at my dog. The 5-year-old had gone into my bedroom and was playing with my new, expensive guitar, while Mom and Dad merrily drank beer in the kitchen, ignoring their children. When I raised my voice, they proceeded to berate me, saying they don't talk to their kids that way, and I should childproof my house! They left in an uproar.

Maybe I'm missing something, Abby, but I don't feel I did anything wrong. Neither party is speaking to me. Any advice? -- SINGLE FOREVER IN NEW ENGLAND

DEAR SINGLE FOREVER: Only this. If you want a relationship with these friends and relatives, keep on hand a supply of age-appropriate books and toys "in case of emergency." Not only would it be the kind thing to do, but it would reduce further childish behavior on the part of the adults.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am dying of cancer. For the past few days, I have been pondering the wasted years I have spent with my wife. We never savored our time together.

Surely I am at fault, but from the early days of our marriage, my wife was always "too busy" to sit and talk or go for walks. There was always another load of clothes or dishes to wash, or an important phone call to make.

When we had children, she was too busy to go with us to the playground or church. Even though I would bathe the kids and clean up the bathroom, she'd follow behind me and clean it again because it wasn't "clean enough." She wouldn't let me change the baby's diapers because I "might not do it right." I couldn't even put the dishes in the dishwasher correctly -- only she could. So, as you can see, I wasn't much help around the house. As an attorney, I brought home more than enough money to hire a housekeeper, but no one was up to her standards.

She was usually asleep when I left for work. We were seldom ever awake in bed at the same time -- so we rarely made love. I don't even know what time she comes to bed. I often find her still awake when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom.

Abby, I love my beautiful wife and have never strayed, but I suspect she will be too busy to miss me much after I have gone. I am writing this because I hope other couples will use their time together more wisely. -- LEARNED TOO LATE IN FORT WORTH

DEAR LEARNED TOO LATE: I'm sure your wife thought that by being "Superwoman" she was meeting your needs. How sad that no one ever told her that there is far more to being a good wife than having "whiter whites" and spot-free dishes.

You and she seem to have lived parallel lives -- always on the same freeway, but never in the same lane. Although it is too late for you, thank you for wanting to warn other couples for whom it is not too late. Peace be with you.

DEAR ABBY: I love my boyfriend, "Joe," with all my heart; however, we have a communication problem. Sometimes I feel he is dodging me or doesn't want to talk to me. Joe thinks our conversations always lead to an argument, so he tries to avoid talking.

Joe recently moved six hours away, making it even harder to talk. I understand he may be excited about living in a new town, but I feel I deserve a little more respect than I'm getting. I'd like to talk to Joe about this, but every time I call him he ignores my questions and practically hangs up on me.

Abby, how can I improve our communication? -- ALONE BY THE TELEPHONE

DEAR ALONE: I hate to appear negative, but where do you get the idea that this man is your boyfriend? It's time to move on, because Joe already has -- physically and emotionally.

DEAR ABBY: After being married for 30 years, I told our oldest son (just home from the Navy) that I could still feel my heart lift when his dad walked into the room. My son said it was just infatuation.

It has been 61 years now, and I still feel the same. Do you think my son was right? -- MOTHER OF 10

DEAR MOTHER: No. Your son was mistaken. If after 61 years of marriage your heart still "lifts" when you see your husband, you have the special kind of love that everyone aspires to.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: You have stated that when a child feels unable to talk to his or her parents about a serious problem, the young person should confide in a trusted adult. However, I am confused about something: When a teen-age girl goes to that adult, is the person supposed to keep her secret or intercede with her mother for her?

What if the girl chooses to talk to a friend of her mother's and the mother finds out? It could destroy the friendship between the two women because one of them withheld the truth. On the other hand, if the adult tells the girl's mother, she has betrayed the girl's confidence.

What should a responsible adult do? -- KEEPING SECRETS IN CHICAGO

DEAR KEEPING SECRETS: Either keep the confidence or offer to talk to the mother with the girl present. That way, no one's confidence is betrayed. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I was in the same situation as "Sue in Pennsylvania," except I was the unmarried teen-age daughter who told my mother's best friend, "Kassie," I was pregnant. I was afraid to tell my parents. Kassie offered to tell them for me. I was with her when she did it. It wasn't easy -- but it would have been a lot harder without Kassie's emotional support.

My parents were hurt that I couldn't tell them on my own. But they couldn't have been more supportive during my pregnancy. My mother and Kassie were in the delivery room when I had my beautiful baby girl. I will be grateful to my parents and to Kassie for the rest of my life for being there when I needed them most. -- LOVED DAUGHTER IN VIRGINIA

DEAR LOVED DAUGHTER: Love is what enables us to bridge the gap of disappointment when others don't live up to the expectations we have of them.

DEAR ABBY: A while back you printed a letter from a woman who said her boyfriend had not shown up for their planned vacation together. She left messages on his answering machine, but he never returned the calls. You told her she should consider herself lucky to have found out he had a "seven-year itch" before they married.

I am a policeman, and I see it differently. She should have called the police department in the city where her boyfriend resides. The police would have driven by his residence and knocked on his door to make sure he had not had an accident that would keep him from answering his phone.

Police in every city will do "welfare checks" for anyone who is worried about a friend or loved one. It could make the difference between life and death. -- COP IN ALABAMA

DEAR COP IN ALABAMA: You're right. It could. I checked with the Los Angeles Police Department and was informed that this is part of their community service, too. Your solution is better than the one I offered.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Sophie Tucker once said, "Success in show business depends on your ability to make and keep friends," to which I would like to add: "Success in ANY business depends on your ability to make and keep friends."

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)