DEAR ABBY: I now see the damage I did to my adult children by remaining in an abusive marriage during their formative years. They have all been divorced -- one of them twice.

My husband was verbally, emotionally and physically abusive. I tried to be the peacemaker. However, by not standing up to him, I taught my children that they should not stand up for themselves. All of them have been verbally abused by their spouses and are still intimidated, just as I was.

When I was a young wife, women were trapped with no place to go when abuse occurred. Now, with just one phone call to the police, action is taken. I hope someday I can forgive myself for the damage I have inflicted on my family. Is there a way I can help them now -- or is it too late? -- FILLED WITH REGRET IN FLORIDA

DEAR FILLED WITH REGRET: It's never too late to admit a mistake and to try to right a wrong, particularly an error of omission. Tell your children their upbringing wasn't normal -- and why -- and urge them to seek counseling.

The following signs of an abusive partner have been adapted with permission from the Project for Victims of Family Violence in Fayetteville, Ark.:

(1) PUSHES FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Comes on strong, claiming "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." An abuser pressures the new partner for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.

(2) JEALOUS: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because "you might meet someone"; checks the mileage on your car.

(3) CONTROLLING: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you're late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.

(4) UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.

(5) ISOLATION: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of "causing trouble." The abuser may deprive you of a phone or car, or try to prevent you from holding a job.

(6) BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS OR MISTAKES: It's always someone else's fault if something goes wrong.

(7) MAKES OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS: The abuser says, "You make me angry," instead of, "I am angry," or says, "You're hurting me by not doing what I tell you."

(8) HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustices of things that are just a part of life.

(9) CRUELTY TO ANIMALS AND CHILDREN: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also, may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper), or may tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children.

(10) "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.

(11) VERBAL ABUSE: Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel, hurtful things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you up with relentless verbal abuse.

(12) RIGID SEX ROLES: Expects you to serve, obey, remain at home.

(13) SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweet to violent in minutes.

(14) PAST BATTERING: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person "made" him (or her) do it.

(15) THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Says things like, "I'll break your neck," or "I'll kill you," and then dismisses them with, "Everybody talks that way," or "I didn't really mean it." If the abuse has gone this far -- it's time to get help or get out! The toll-free number for the domestic abuse hotline is (800) 799-7233.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been working for the same company for more than three years. I have a good relationship with my boss, "Al." However, I think he has fallen in love with me. I don't know how to handle this delicate situation since he is married. Al says he and his wife no longer have anything in common -- including sex.

Al and I are good friends, but he has mentioned several times that he wants to take our relationship "further." He gets moody because my feelings toward him are not the same. I am not physically attracted to Al. I don't like to see him depressed, so I tell him things to make him feel good about himself. The problem is, I'm beginning to think I am leading him on. Al's been there for me through some tough personal times and has helped me financially as well. I feel as though I need to stop letting him do things for me since it makes me feel obligated.

Abby, how can I deal with this without losing Al's friendship? -- JENNIFER IN MISSISSIPPI

DEAR JENNIFER: Remain cordial. Start repaying the money Al gave you. That way you will no longer feel obligated. Limit the amount of time you spend alone with him -- his problems are not your problems unless you foolishly choose to make them so. If he keeps pressing you for "more," it could be considered sexual harassment.

DEAR ABBY: My best friend and I are 12 and in the sixth grade. We recently discovered that "Joe," a close friend of ours, has been shoplifting.

This situation has us worried because it might turn into a habit. My friend and I don't want Joe to lose his parents' trust or get into even bigger trouble. We want to tell his parents, but then Joe might get angry at us.

We want Joe to keep being our friend. Abby, please give us some advice. -- WORRIED PRETEENS IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR WORRIED PRETEENS: You are wise to be concerned. Rather than reporting Joe to his parents, a more effective method might be to tell your parents -- and ask them to discuss it with Joe's parents.

If left unchecked, Joe is risking arrest and criminal charges. It's only a matter of time. And in the meantime, in order to avoid being implicated in his shoplifting, do not accompany Joe into any stores.

DEAR ABBY: There is a way that "Bursting With Joy in San Antonio" could include her out-of-town family and friends in her baby shower.

I have no family where I live and knew they would be unable to attend my baby shower, so I made special announcements to out-of-towners indicating we wanted to share our joy with them, but to please not send gifts (which can be expensive to mail).

Instead, my best friend, who was hosting the shower, suggested that they send a card or letter with their best baby tips written on them. This turned out to be a wonderful idea! I received tons of congratulations, along with numerous suggestions that helped me care for my newborn.

My baby is now 15 months old, and I still use many of the tips. Plus, I have a unique keepsake for my daughter, showing how many people loved her before she even arrived. -- BRENDA SPAGNOLA-WILSON, HOUSTON

DEAR BRENDA: What a terrific idea! Thank you for sharing it. Not only would it be helpful to someone planning a shower for an honoree whose friends and family are far away, but also for those who already "have everything."

CONFIDENTIAL TO OUR MILITARY VETERANS: Thank you for your many sacrifices that we may live in freedom. All of us who enjoy freedom salute you.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to a wonderful man for more than a year. (We've been together for seven years.) It's a second marriage for both of us, and together we're raising four beautiful children.

When I married this man, I knew full well his sister bitterly disapproved of me but hoped she would get over it with time. Now that we've been happily married for a year, she's worse than ever.

I don't know what I ever did to cause my sister-in-law to hate me. She was like a mother figure to my husband when he was young, as she is 25 years older. She disliked my husband's first wife, too, but wasn't nearly as cruel to her. In fact, now that they're divorced, she's friendly with her.

It's gotten back to me that my sister-in-law has told hurtful lies about me and my children to family members and the community. She has also insulted me to my face at family gatherings. Now I get anxious to the point of feeling ill before attending a family function.

My mother-in-law sees how much pain her daughter causes me and becomes upset, as do my husband and children. Everyone thinks she is jealous of me. That's no excuse, as far as I'm concerned.

I am a respected mother and wife and have given this woman no reason to hurt me. Please, Abby, could you advise me on the best way to handle her? I have carried this heartache for too long. -- SCORNED SISTER-IN-LAW IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR SCORNED: I'm mystified that you and your family continue to attend gatherings that make you physically ill. Whoever hosts these family get-togethers and allows this verbal abuse to happen is partly to blame by not letting her know her behavior is unacceptable and will not be tolerated. If she refuses to cooperate, it would be a relief to all concerned if this sister-in-law were excluded from family gatherings until she agrees to be civil and act like a lady.

DEAR ABBY: Recently a reader asked if it was appropriate to renew her wedding vows after only five years of marriage. You encouraged her to go for it. I agree.

Here's my story: After only one year of marriage, my husband and I encountered some serious problems and were on the verge of going our separate ways. However, we both knew if we put forth the effort, we could turn things around -- so I came up with a plan:

The night of our first wedding anniversary my husband and I went out to dinner. Afterward I blindfolded him in the car and drove to one of those little instant wedding chapels, so we could renew our vows. I had made arrangements with the chapel the day before.

We arrived early and waited outside the chapel because another wedding was still taking place inside. A group of young people were standing nearby, and they couldn't help but giggle when they saw my blindfolded husband. They probably thought this poor fella was being tricked into marrying me!

When it was our turn, we entered the chapel and I removed the blindfold. When my husband realized what I had planned, his eyes filled with tears.

The minister was exceptional and encouraged us to make a fresh start. My husband and I have had our share of ups and downs (as couples do), but that night we vowed to hang on to that "special something" we always had. We truly are each other's best friend, Abby. We will celebrate our third anniversary next October. -- FULLY COMMITTED IN WEST VIRGINIA

DEAR FULLY COMMITTED: It appears you have both taken your blinders off and are recommitted to your vows to each other. Sometimes it's helpful to go back to square one when trying to resolve a problem. May your union be a long and happy one.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)