DEAR ABBY: My mother is being married again this summer. This is her fifth marriage, and I fear she is doing it for all the wrong reasons.

It all started 30 years ago when, as a teen-ager, she married my father. She married him to get away from her family. My father abused her, she divorced him, then remarried him again. They stayed together 10 more miserable years before divorcing. Within three months she met and married another man. He was addicted to "the chase." Mother was his fifth wife. (He is currently on No. 8.) She divorced him and married husband No. 3, even though he was obviously drug-addicted. It eventually caused their divorce.

For the past few months, my mother has been looking for love on the Internet and through personal newspaper ads. Within two weeks, she found a man she claimed to love. They picked a wedding date. He was a drug addict and dealer who ended up taking everything from Mom's house. Fortunately, they did not marry.

Mom has recently met another man on the Internet -- a recovering alcoholic, active in meetings and social functions. Of all the men she has brought home, he is definitely the best prospect for marriage. She confided that she is not in love with him, but they have set a summer wedding date. She feels love will come later, and she "likes" him enough to marry him.

I should mention that Mother is a successful professional woman with a great job. She owns a beautiful home and is financially secure. However, she is very lonely, has no friends, rarely speaks to her 10 siblings -- and hardly ever visits me and my daughter, even though we live only 20 minutes away.

We have had a strained relationship for years. I feel that she abandons me whenever a new man enters the picture. I want what's best for her, but I don't believe she has the self-confidence or insight to pick a man who doesn't come with a lot of "baggage."

Can you think of anything I can say or do to make my mother reconsider this marriage and start getting some therapy? -- DAUGHTER OF A MARRYING MOM

DEAR DAUGHTER: I'm not sure there is anything you can do now to "save" your mother. Wait to see if marriage No. 5 "takes." If it doesn't work out, then will be the time your mother will be most receptive to getting professional help.

DEAR ABBY: My fiance and I are being married in Wilmington, N.C. The pastor who will perform the ceremony lives two hours away in Raleigh. He will have to arrive in Wilmington on Friday afternoon in order to supervise the rehearsal that night -- and stay in town overnight, as our wedding is the following afternoon.

Are we required to pay for a hotel room on Friday night for the pastor and his wife? If he stays Saturday night after the wedding, should we also pay for that?

We're also unsure if we should tip him in addition to the officiant fee. None of our friends or family has ever dealt with this dilemma, so we are hoping you can set us straight, Abby. We want to do the right thing. -- ALMOST NEWLYWEDS

DEAR ALMOST NEWLYWEDS: Since the pastor will be in town officiating at your wedding, the gracious thing would be to see that the hotel bill is taken care of. If he and his wife are staying on Saturday to attend your wedding reception, the room should be included. However, after compensating him for the ceremony, I see no reason to add a gratuity.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: A year ago, I led a picture-perfect life. I was a junior at a prestigious university, an All-American wrestler, in a wonderful relationship with my fiancee, "Libby," the father of a handsome 19-month-old son, driving a luxury car and living in a three-bedroom home. All of that came to an end. I was living two lives. One part of me was an honor student, loving boyfriend and father. The other was a violent drug dealer.

Libby had no clue about what I was doing. She thought I was a club promoter and that was why I was out most nights. Abby, I wasn't promoting clubs. I was selling boatloads of Ecstasy.

Last summer, I told Libby I had to go to Los Angeles to promote a club event. Another lie. I went to L.A. to pick up more Ecstasy. I never made it home. I was arrested, tried, and sentenced to four years in prison. When I told Libby the truth, she left me. She and my son moved 2,000 miles away to live with her family.

For the past year, I have written Libby, but she doesn't answer my letters. I understand she and my mother talk and write to each other frequently. My mother is desperately trying to get us back together, but I don't think there is any hope for us. My mother says there is always hope.

When I get out, I'll need to get my act together and finish my last year of college. I can't bear the thought of not marrying Libby and settling down with her and my son. I am sorry for what I have done, but she is hurt and unable to forgive me. Can you think of anything I can do or say to get Libby and my son back in my life? -- STUCK BETWEEN A ROCK AND A VERY HARD PLACE

DEAR STUCK: Only this. After serving your sentence, finish your college education so you can eventually support your son. That way you can prove that you have learned your lesson and can be a strong role model. Only time will tell whether you and Libby have a future together. But hold a good thought.

DEAR ABBY: I am a single mom with a daughter who is a sophomore in high school. She has a male friend she likes "more than just a friend." However, he has a girlfriend and talks to my daughter only when his girlfriend isn't around. Also, he's a freshman in college.

I do not like this guy at all and have been so concerned about my daughter that I did some snooping in her room. What I found has me very upset! He wrote her a letter that sounds like it came straight out of an X-rated movie! I cannot begin to tell you how sick it made me.

I cannot confront my daughter unless I confess that I violated her privacy and read something I shouldn't have.

The only alternative is to say nothing and hope my daughter will see this person for who he really is. Please help because the situation is driving me crazy. -- WORRIED SICK ABOUT MY DAUGHTER

DEAR WORRIED SICK: Motherhood isn't a popularity contest. You and your daughter are overdue for a serious mother/daughter chat. Tell her that out of concern, you did some snooping and found the letter. Then be quiet and listen.

Your daughter needs to know that young men who respect girls do not send them X-rated letters. Since this fellow is officially going with someone else, for him to encourage your daughter under the circumstances shows a lack of character. Then inform your daughter that you want communication stopped with this male "friend." That's what mothers are for.

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DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Hurting in Virginia," the distraught widow who discovered her previously married husband still carried snapshots of his first wife in his wallet, resonated with me. She feared that it meant he was still in love with his first wife.

I have been happily married for 15 years. We have three great children. My husband's wallet is literally falling apart, so I bought him a new one and gave him updated pictures of the children. They remained in his nightstand drawer. After a few years, I even put the most current pictures into the new wallet and mentioned to him that I had done it so he would throw away the old wallet and start using the new one.

You guessed it. The new wallet is still in the drawer.

Please assure "Hurting" that cleaning the wallet was probably such a low priority it never crossed her husband's mind. -- VERY MUCH IN LOVE IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR IN LOVE: You have already done an excellent job of that. Talk about letters that generate letters -- read on:

DEAR ABBY: I have an old boyfriend who was to be married, but right before the wedding the "lady" ripped him off. She ran up his credit cards, wrecked his credit and broke his heart. This happened almost 10 years ago.

He still carries her picture in his wallet -- so he can sit on her face. -- LISA IN INDIANAPOLIS

DEAR LISA: Or maybe it's to remind himself where he felt the pain.

DEAR ABBY: For some reason, we seem to want to look for hidden or ulterior motives rather than simple, straightforward ones. Being a man, my first thought while reading that letter was, "I bet he hadn't cleaned out his wallet in years." It's the same thought that was echoed in your P.S. -- AN UNTIDY MALE IN L.A.

DEAR MALE: Many readers said the same thing.

DEAR ABBY: My parents died within 17 days of each other. I had the grim task of taking apart a household and sorting through personal belongings. It was a year and a half before I could bring myself to go through their wallets, but I had to laugh when I finally did.

There were membership cards that had expired 20 years earlier, sales receipts, phone numbers with only five digits -- can you remember that far back? There was also the worst photo of me ever taken.

I wish I had photographed the contents of those wallets and that "Hurting" could see it. It would put her worries to rest and provide a much needed laugh. -- ANNE IN PERU, IND.

DEAR ANNE: I believe it. One reader related that when she finally got around to cleaning out her own wallet, she discovered a store coupon that had expired in 1989.

DEAR ABBY: One day, a neighbor of mine who had been divorced for many years received an unexpected phone call. It was from a nurse in the local hospital emergency room calling to say that her husband was seriously ill.

My neighbor rushed to the hospital. When she entered what she thought was her husband's room, whom should she find instead but her ex! When he opened his eyes and saw her, he moaned, "Oh my God, have I died and gone to hell?"

It seems the former husband hadn't cleaned out his wallet after he got rid of his wife. She was still the person named as his next of kin! -- FLORENCE IN OTTAWA, CANADA

DEAR FLORENCE: Thanks for an amusing letter with a useful message. I'm sure it will inspire a lot of procrastinators to clean out their wallets today.

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