DEAR ABBY: I can't agree with your advice to "Poor Little Butterfly in Oklahoma," whose mother went on an eight-hour harangue after finding out her married daughter got a tattoo when she was 20.

I think the couple did the right thing to put Mom on a plane home. I do not agree with your advice to "mend fences" and take the "high road." This is 2002 -- not 1940. Tell the mother to get over it. There is nothing she can do about it now. -- TATTOOED MOM IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR TATTOOED MOM: That's true. I may have been smoking the peace pipe for too long. Many readers agreed with you. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I feel strongly that MOM should apologize for making all of the fuss. An eight-hour attack from one's mother cannot be -- and should not be -- borne by an adult. Mom was out of line. "Poor" has a right to her life and beliefs. If her tattoo pleases her and her husband, that's good enough!

Abby, I, too, was a victim of attack by a relative -- my daughter. She was so adamantly against my getting a tattoo that I decided it wasn't worth the hassle. (I had always wanted an anklet of roses and leaves.) Then, several summers ago, my daughter had an accident. Her truck was totaled, but fortunately she walked away unharmed. She came home and said, "Mom, if you want that tattoo -- go get it. Life is too short. I'll even buy it for you." And she did! I got my tattoo at the ripe old age of 69 -- and have not regretted it. -- HAPPY WITH ROSES IN KINGMAN, ARIZ.

DEAR HAPPY: Thanks for the input.

DEAR ABBY: Your response to "Poor Little Butterfly" was wrong, wrong, wrong. This is an issue of the daughter preserving her self-esteem, not an argument over a tattoo. This butterfly had every right to ask her mother to take off! -- YOUNG MOM IN WASHINGTON

DEAR YOUNG MOM: I suspect you're right that the mother was reacting to more than the tattoo.

DEAR Abby: That couple did the right thing sending her mother home. They stuck up for each other in the face of adversity. That marriage is going to endure.

Unfortunately, mine will not. Ten years ago, on the morning of my first daughter's christening, my mother-in-law looked over her newspaper and proceeded to lecture me about how they do things in "their" family. She made the mistake of giving me this lecture while an overnight guest in our home (which, by the way, my wife and I bought with no help from her mother).

Abby, I sent her packing the next day. My mother-in-law proceeded to bad-mouth me to the rest of the family, trying her best to turn them against me. My wife never once took a stand against her mother. She let her mom criticize me to everyone without ever setting the record straight.

My wife made a decision that day about where her allegiance stood. The events of that day were the single greatest indictor of how the rest of our marriage was to go. -- GETTING DIVORCED 10 YEARS LATER

DEAR GETTING DIVORCED: How sad that a loving daughter was forced to choose between her husband and her mother -- and made the wrong choice.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a sophomore in high school and the middle child. I get good grades, do the laundry, and usually don't complain when my parents ask me to do something. Overall, I'm a pretty good kid.

I asked my parents if I could get my tongue pierced if I got all A's on my report card. They won't even consider it. My mom said she would never change her mind. Every time I talk about it, they change the subject and it's really annoying.

I just got my progress report back today and I got all A's. In English and math, I got 100. Most of my friends didn't get straight A's.

Don't you agree my parents are being unfair and unreasonable? My mom is scared of my being rebellious. My dad just thinks they look trashy. Abby, this is how I want to express myself. It is who I am, and I don't think my parents should prevent me. What should I do to convince them? -- DEPRESSED IN DECATUR, GA.

DEAR DEPRESSED: Tongue piercing may seem like a terrific way to "express yourself," but it can lead to chipped teeth and a speech impediment, not to mention a nasty infection if you're unlucky. While your parents may seem excessively controlling, they have your best interests at heart. (They probably think you already have enough holes in your head.)

Your intelligence is far above average. When you are 18 and out on your own, you can pierce to your heart's content if you wish. I'm sure you can find a less radical way to express your inner self if you put your mind to it.

DEAR ABBY: How can you make friends understand that they should wait for an invitation before coming to visit? They also need to stay in a motel when they do come. We have friends who invite themselves once a year to spend about five nights in our home.

I have a serious medical condition and have undergone several operations. I make subtle hints about being in pain and not needing company, yet they never seem to understand that I am talking about them. Even though they often take us out to dinner and pick up the tab, I am not up to having them stay with us.

I hate to lose their friendship, but I cannot take another one of their visits. If I tell them they cannot stay, they are going to be very offended. -- HURTING AND SOCIABLE IN FLORIDA

DEAR HURTING: The next time the visitors call to tell you they're coming, your husband should say: "Wonderful! We're looking forward to seeing you. Now give me your credit card number because I'm making motel reservations for you. My wife's doctor has said she's not up to entertaining houseguests this year, but you're such good friends I know you'll understand."

Their response will tell you both how strong that friendship is from their perspective. I hope they don't cancel their annual visit, but don't feel guilty if they do.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I had to respond to "Tired in Tennessee," who was advised by a marriage counselor that she and her husband needed time for themselves, but complained that her mother never offered to baby-sit their two small sons.

My wife and I have three children, five years apart in age. We solved the problem by finding friends in the neighborhood who have children of similar ages. We take their kids for a week, and they reciprocate while my wife and I go on vacation. Taking care of six children isn't all that difficult. In some ways it's easier because each child has a playmate living in the house. The kids like it because they are not with strangers. I hope this helps. -- BEEN THERE IN OREGON

DEAR BEEN THERE: It's a sensible suggestion, and I'm sure it will be welcomed by more parents than "Tired in Tennessee." Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Why would anyone want Grandma to take responsibility for two young children if she isn't thrilled about it? My mother-in-law isn't speaking to me because I won't permit her to have my baby in her home. She has an unfenced pool, an explosive husband, and a proven inability to exercise good judgment. Bottom line: Don't expect what isn't offered.

In the meantime, paid help is the best help if you want to call the shots. Also, many nice resorts offer excellent kids' programs and bonded baby sitters for evenings out. You'll meet lots of other parents like yourselves making use of them. -- REALISTIC IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR REALISTIC: You're right; a paid professional is better than a reluctant relative.

DEAR ABBY: I could be that grandmother. The key words in her complaint were "active children." Translation: "brats."

When my daughter's family visits, the children are like wild animals. They won't eat at mealtime, but are in the refrigerator and cookie jar constantly. They jump on the furniture, break things and lie. They constantly beg to go shopping so Grandma can buy them a toy. They are an embarrassment in the store, and I no longer take them to a restaurant because they crawl under the tables and upset other diners.

One time I lost my temper and scolded them. My daughter became furious with me and didn't speak to me for several weeks. When they visit, I hold my breath, bite my tongue, and can't wait for them to go home. I am not about to volunteer to sit with these kids and put myself through such misery. I love my grandkids, but sometimes I don't like them -- and it is the fault of their parents, who never learned to say no to them. -- M. IN ARIZONA

DEAR M.: I agree. However, you're saying it to the wrong person. That comment should be made closer to home.

DEAR ABBY: I could be that grandmother. The key words in her complaint were "active children." Translation: "brats."

When my daughter's family visits, the children are like wild animals. They won't eat at mealtime, but are in the refrigerator and cookie jar constantly. They jump on the furniture, break things and lie. They constantly beg to go shopping so Grandma can buy them a toy. They are an embarrassment in the store, and I no longer take them to a restaurant because they crawl under the tables and upset other diners.

One time I lost my temper and scolded them. My daughter became furious with me and didn't speak to me for several weeks. When they visit, I hold my breath, bite my tongue, and can't wait for them to go home. I am not about to volunteer to sit with these kids and put myself through such misery. I love my grandkids, but sometimes I don't like them -- and it is the fault of their parents, who never learned to say no to them. -- M. IN ARIZONA

DEAR M.: I agree. However, you're saying it to the wrong person. That comment should be made closer to home.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)