DEAR ABBY: I am writing in response to "All Alone in Tucson, Ariz.," who is 14 and had a miscarriage. I had a similar experience. I, too, began having sex at an early age. It caused a lot of problems I am still dealing with in adulthood.

Sex is not fun and games. It can ruin your self-esteem faster than a speeding bullet. Once you lose your self-esteem, it can take years to get back.

Also, having sex without regular visits to a gynecologist can jeopardize your fertility. In other words, when you finally find a man who deserves you, you may not be able to get pregnant. That's what happened to me, and it is heartbreaking.

I hope "All Alone" gets to a doctor and resolves her issues with her mother. They need to talk. It's important that she tell her mother that she needs her guidance. Boys come and go, but the mother-daughter bond lasts forever. -- FINDING MY WAY BACK IN SACRAMENTO, CALIF.

DEAR FINDING: I'm sorry you have to learn these life lessons the hard way. I hope "All Alone" will learn from your experience and take your advice. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: We mothers need to remind ourselves that when our daughters are teen-agers, it's not important whether their room is neat or what kinds of clothes they wear. It's more important that they know we care for them -- that we'll always be there for them no matter what happens in life. Many times mothers are the primary source of support and love. We must fulfill that role.

The only thing "All Alone" wants is the assurance that someone cares for her unconditionally. She wanted love from the boy who shunned her, from the child she lost, and from the mother she feels will "kill" her when she finds out she was having sex.

A mother's job is not so much to teach a child how to make a bed, study hard, or even not to have sex before marriage, as much as it must be to love her child, make sure he or she knows it every day, and to teach the child to love him or herself. If a mother can do these things, the child will be empowered to live life in a positive way. -- A MOTHER WHO LEARNED IN TIME

DEAR MOTHER: You have said it beautifully.

DEAR ABBY: You should have told "All Alone" that there are helpful agencies like Planned Parenthood that provide help for teen-agers without requiring legal consent of an adult. Not only can they provide medical attention to ensure that "All Alone" is safe and can have children in the future, but they provide the emotional support and peer counseling necessary to give her confidence and renewed self-esteem.

In an ideal world, parents would all be approachable and helpful in a crisis. If they were, perhaps there would be no crisis. Since an ideal world doesn't exist, helpful agencies do -- thank God. -- TEEN ADVOCATE IN NAPA, CALIF.

DEAR TEEN ADVOCATE: I'm glad you wrote. I have long been a supporter of Planned Parenthood, which offers a full range of reproductive health services for both men and women, including premarital blood testing, contraceptive services, prenatal care and counseling -- to name only a few.

Tomorrow I'll share more of the letters I have received from young women who identified with "All Alone's" experience.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: Your readers who have expressed concern about hungry children in their communities expose one of our nation's worst secrets.

Despite our abundance, some 12 million American children are not getting the food they need because low-wage jobs don't permit their parents to pay the rent, pay medical bills and still buy enough food. My colleagues in the scientific community agree that the cost of child hunger is simply too steep to ignore. Even the mildest form of under-nutrition robs children of their natural abilities, sapping their capacity to think and diminishing the value of their classroom education.

Fortunately, we have some answers to this problem in the form of EXISTING federal child-nutrition programs -- school lunch, breakfast, summer food, and after-school snacks and meals. The federal government reimburses states and schools for the cost of the meals, and any school or qualified community agency can use these programs to ensure that no child goes hungry.

Abby, these programs have been proven to work. Research shows that kids who get fed are sick less, pay more attention in class, and even do better on standardized achievement tests. The problem is that many districts offer only lunch and not the other programs.

Please tell your readers they can help to end hunger by seeing that responsible adults in their communities fully use these programs to protect the youngsters who need them. -- DR. J. LARRY BROWN, BRANDEIS UNIVERSITY, BOSTON

DEAR DR. BROWN: Thank you for an important letter. Ending hunger seems overwhelming to many people. However, there are things we can all do to end this disgrace. I recently participated in a national child hunger symposium, led on a bipartisan basis by Sharon Davis, wife of California governor Gray Davis, and Columba Bush, wife of Florida governor Jeb Bush. A national initiative to address this issue is being led by actor/activist Jeff Bridges and the Entertainment Industry Foundation. It is designed to mobilize elected officials and educators in all 50 states to end childhood hunger, in part by ensuring that these available and effective programs reach the vulnerable children who need them. It offers a remedy for a problem that no longer needs to endanger millions of our youngest citizens.

Readers interested in expanding these programs in their communities should visit the Entertainment Industry Foundation Web site at www.hungerfreeamerica.org or write: Hunger Free America -- DA, 11132 Ventura Blvd., Suite 401, Studio City, CA 91604.

DEAR ABBY: I want to tell you about a little boy named Jakub. His family went to the Dominican Republic for a vacation. They could not believe the poverty they saw there. Jake's parents caught him trying to give away his shoes, but they were too small for the other child.

Jake returned home and told his Uncle Tony, who owns a construction company: "You have to go there with me and my parents and bring your men. We have to build houses for those kids."

Abby, Jakub is 4 years old. I love that kid. -- LEO R. LALONDE, EASTPOINTE, MICH.

DEAR LEO: From the mouths of babes. Jakub is not only a caring and generous child, but wise beyond his years.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband of eight years went to work a couple of weeks ago and never came home. He put a card under a friend's door saying he wasn't coming back.

When I sorted through the belongings he had left behind, I found a "good luck" card from my mother to him and more than $1,000 worth of money order receipts. We had planned to move to Reno in April when we had enough money saved. However, according to some of the letters I found, my husband never intended to take me with him to Reno -- and my mother knew it.

I am extremely hurt and feel betrayed by this turn of events. Abby, should I confront my mother about this? -- BETRAYED IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR BETRAYED: Your feelings are valid -- you were betrayed by the two people you trusted the most. By all means confront your mother. You deserve some answers. Sadly, you married a cowardly scoundrel, and your mother appears to have aided and abetted him.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 20-something single woman whose best friend happens to be male. I'll call him David. David just became engaged and wants me to be part of the wedding party, so he asked his fiancee, "Tiffany," to include me as one of her bridesmaids. Tiffany has a close male friend whom she wants to be one of David's groomsmen.

I would prefer to stand next to David to show my support for his marriage. Perhaps Tiffany's male friend and I should switch places and stand beside our respective friends. If we do this, would I wear a dress like the bridesmaids, or would I wear a tuxedo like the groomsmen?

Please check with your wedding experts and clue me in, Abby. -- THE GROOM'S BEST BUD IN SAN ANTONIO

DEAR BEST BUD: Although a woman can serve as "best man," it's important to remember that David did not ask you to be his best man or a groomsman. He and his fiancee asked you to be a bridesmaid.

You would be wise to defer to the wishes of the bride and groom regarding your attire and where you will stand during the ceremony.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter is 14 and the kind of young lady every mother dreams of having. She is respectful, considerate, loving, behaves well, and is a good student.

My dilemma is whether or not I should pay her to do chores even if she doesn't do a good job. She has never been motivated by money, but asks for things all the time.

I've told her that if she would do a better job with her chores, I'd reward her with spending money. She's such a good kid, I feel as though she deserves to be rewarded, but I also want her to learn that she must do a good job if she wants to be paid. That's the way it will be when she's out in the world, so I'd like her to learn that lesson now. Any pointers would be appreciated, Abby. -- KIM FROM THE WINDY CITY

DEAR KIM: Stick to your guns. Children should learn the value of completing tasks properly. The old saying, "A job worth doing is worth doing well," holds true. It's a lesson that will benefit her for the rest of her life.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)