DEAR ABBY: Over the years, you have advised many people -– mothers-in-law and so on. But I have never seen advice for parents. I am a 13-year-old reader who has decided to write my own set of "guidelines" for moms and dads. Here goes:

(1) Don't expect your kids to like the same things you do.

(2) Tell your kids you love them every day.

(3) When your kids do something wrong, don't keep reminding them. Chances are they feel bad enough already.

(4) Remember, you weren't perfect when you were growing up. Don't expect your kids to be.

(5) If you have more than one kid, don't compare them. They are completely different people.

(6) Be patient with your kids. They're just learning.

(7) If something goes wrong, don't blame it on them. It isn't always their fault.

(8) Surprise your kids sometimes -– even if it's something little.

(9) Accept that your kids are getting older. They can't always be 5 years old.

(10) Don't fight in front of your kids. (That should be a no-brainer.)

(11) Don't assume that you know what your kids are thinking.

Thanks for letting me contribute to the column, Abby. -– 13-YEAR-OLD

DEAR 13-YEAR-OLD: You're welcome. If you were older, you would have seen the following "commandments" that first appeared in my column in 1981 (!). They clearly address the subject of parenting:

A CHILD'S TEN COMMANDMENTS FOR PARENTS

by Dr. Kevin Leman

(1) My hands are small; please don't expect perfection whenever I make a bed, draw a picture or throw a ball. My legs are short; please slow down so that I can keep up with you.

(2) My eyes have not seen the world as yours have; please let me explore safely. Don't restrict me unnecessarily.

(3) Housework will always be there. I'm little for only a short time -– please take time to explain things to me about this wonderful world, and do so willingly.

(4) My feelings are tender; please be sensitive to my needs. Don't nag me all day long. (You wouldn't want to be nagged for your inquisitiveness.) Treat me as you would like to be treated.

(5) I am a special gift from God; please treasure me as God intended you to do, holding me accountable for my actions, giving me guidelines to live by and disciplining me in a loving manner.

(6) I need your encouragement to grow. Please go easy on the criticism; remember, you can criticize the things I do without criticizing me.

(7) Please give me the freedom to make decisions concerning myself. Permit me to fail so that I can learn from my mistakes. Then someday I'll be prepared to make the kind of decisions life requires of me.

(8) Please don't do things over for me. Somehow that makes me feel that my efforts didn't quite measure up to your expectations. I know it's hard, but please don't try to compare me with my brother or sister.

(9) Please don't be afraid to leave for a weekend together. Kids need vacations from parents, just as parents need vacations from kids. Besides, it's a great way to show us kids that your marriage is very special.

(10) Please take me to Sunday school and church regularly, setting a good example for me to follow. I enjoy learning more about God.

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to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: Here's one I've never seen in your column. I am a stay-at-home mom with two kids, a 5-year-old and a nursing 7-month-old. My husband provides for us. In return, I do all the child care, housekeeping, cooking, dishes, bill-paying, laundry, etc., and other things as they come up. We have a large, five-bedroom, four-bath house.

Needless to say, at the end of the day I am exhausted, and in 24 hours the house is a mess again. I feel more like a mother of three than a wife. I pick up his used tissues (he has allergies and leaves them around the house), used dental floss, empty beer bottles, food scraps, etc. I get grossed out, but he says it's part of my job.

Right now I'm looking at the kitchen table, and his dirty dishes, hot sauce and salad dressing are still there from last night. Apparently the "waitress" fell asleep with the kids.

At what point does a wife draw the line in picking up after the husband? Are husbands today responsible for any housework if the wife stays at home with the kids? –- INDENTURED SERVANT

DEAR INDENTURED SERVANT: Apparently you married a man whose mother waited on him hand and foot, and he expects his wife to do the same. He's a big boy now, and he should be ashamed of himself. There is no excuse for a grown man not to pick up his own garbage –- and that includes tissues and dental floss. There is also no reason why he cannot help set and clear a table.

Many husbands today pitch in to help with household chores -– it's called partnership.

DEAR ABBY: My husband's brother was married to "Ellie" for 17 years. She was a wonderful woman. They had two great kids. Ellie always treated his parents and siblings with respect. Sadly, they were not as nice to her. In spite of it, she considered them her family.

When Ellie finally decided to divorce my brother-in-law, after years of emotional and verbal abuse by him and his parents, it was a gut-wrenching decision.

Although Ellie and my brother-in-law continued living together for more than a year while their divorce was pending, my in-laws cut off all contact with her. They removed her pictures from the walls of their home, "uninvited" her to a family wedding for which she had already attended the bridal shower, and never once asked her children (their grandchildren) about her. It was as if Ellie never existed. She was very hurt, but never bad-mouthed any of them to her kids.

Shortly after the divorce was final, my brother-in-law died in a car accident at the age of 47. Ellie's children, now 13 and 11, no longer want anything to do with their grandparents. They feel very angry about the way their mother was treated. Ellie has told them she would like them to have a relationship with their dad's family, but will not force them.

Who should make the first move, Abby? –- SISTER-IN-LAW ON THE SIDELINES

DEAR SISTER-IN-LAW: If you have a relationship with the grandparents, urge them to apologize to Ellie for the way they treated her. However, truthfully, it may be too late to make amends. Children can smell hypocrisy a mile away.

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DEAR ABBY: I was going through my grandmother's Bible and found this old column of yours tucked between the pages. It is yellowed with age, but I laughed aloud when I read it. I had no idea that Grandma read your column. I thought you might like to print it again so others may enjoy it as I did. -– MIMI SEVERA, BLOOMINGDALE, ILL.

DEAR MIMI: I'm sure they will -– and that's no bull. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: We have a cow on our farm named Helen Mae and she hates women. Helen Mae is a beautiful Guernsey with soft brown eyes and a gentle manner, but she won't let a woman within 20 feet of her. She's very friendly to all men whether she's seen them before or not, but any woman who has tried to milk her has had to run for her life. You can't fool Helen Mae, either. She can tell women from men regardless of how they're dressed.

Is there any explanation for this? And if you can find out if there is some way to get Helen Mae to let a woman milk her, I'd appreciate it, as my husband can't always get to her at milking time. –- FARMER'S WIFE

DEAR WIFE: None of my farm experts have studied psy-cow-ology, but they tell me that cows have their hang-ups just like humans. However, I'll milk my readers and try to come up with an udder opinion.

DEAR ABBY: I could have been the teen-ager in the letter signed "Had It in Denver." He was the live-in grandfather who complained about his 15-year-old granddaughter's bratty behavior.

My grandmother moved in with my family when I was 15. She shared my room; we even slept in the same bed. It was no secret that I wasn't happy about it. I was jealous of the time Grandma spent with my mom and dad. I never yelled at my parents, but did a few things I was sorry about later.

That grandpa in Denver should talk with his granddaughter and find out her interests and concerns. (That's what my grandma did.) If Grandpa and the girl could find anything in common, maybe he could help her, rather than making things worse by complaining.

As far as Gramps' objection to "no rules, no discipline, no punishment, no guidelines" in their home, I ask, "Oh, really?" House rules may have changed big time in the last 50 years. Maybe Gramps' rules are stricter than her parents'.

Over time, my grandmother and I became good friends. I even interviewed her for my senior term paper on dating customs prior to World War I. It was a hit. (Now THOSE were the days of strict rules and regulations!)

In 1966, my beloved grandma died at the age of 75, three months after my first child was born. I shall forever treasure the close friendship we shared. –- DOROTHY SELLERS, BRAZORIA, TEXAS

DEAR DOROTHY: Your point is well taken. The generation gap can be difficult to bridge, but it's not impossible. Since Grandpa is the adult, the first attempt at peacemaking should be his. As your experience proves, it can be a bonding experience for all concerned.

CONFIDENTIAL TO MY MUSLIM READERS: Happy Id Al-Adha.

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