DEAR ABBY: A few months ago, new neighbors moved into the house behind ours. The lots in our development are small and the houses are close together. The new people are not friendly. I don't know their names. The man installed sliding glass doors in their ground-level bedroom. He also built a 6-foot-tall privacy wall in front of it.

Our house is on a slight knoll, and when I am standing at my kitchen sink, I can see over the fence directly into their bedroom. They have drapes, but at night they turn on their lamps, watch TV and leave the drapes open.

I am uncomfortable seeing them get intimate on their bed. Since I can see them, I assume they can see me. Should I knock on their door and tell them? Or should I ignore it and put up a window shade in my kitchen window? -- BLUSHING IN BALTIMORE

DEAR BLUSHING: Since your new neighbors are "not friendly," I see no reason to knock on their door with the news. Write them a short note and explain that when the lights are on in their bedroom, it is illuminated like a stage at night. They can't see the audience, but the audience can see them clearly. You'll be doing them a favor.

If they ignore your note, instead of putting up a window shade and closing yourself in, consider planting a tree or large bush on your side of the fence that will block the view from your kitchen sink.

DEAR ABBY: The letters about the "shopping" grandma and the "cooking" grandma reminded me of my own two grandmothers who, though never competitive, were very different. Each created her own unique way.

My father's mother, Grancie, lived in a small Oklahoma town. She was a pillar of the church and was involved in many groups. When we visited Grancie, we attended Bible school, dances and sleep-overs with the kids from her church, sang in the choir, went to the rodeo, swimming pool, the famous catfish restaurant in town -- always something sociable and fun.

My mother's mother, whom we called Grandmother, was a homebody and an artist who had studied with Georgia O'Keeffe. When we visited Grandmother, we gardened, learned to sew, played dress-up in her 1930s-'40s clothes, climbed and dreamed in her three-story-tall magnolia tree. We made roads and castles in the sandbox she built for us, slid down the hill in cardboard boxes, experimented with the laundry chute -- and most exciting of all, we were allowed to paint in "our" corner of her studio.

She encouraged us to pursue whatever creative, imaginative avenue we found in her house, yard, garden, garage or basement.

Abby, each of my grandmas was wonderful in her own way, and I looked forward to being in their company. Today, I see the imprint of both these delightful, distinctive ladies in my own lifestyle. Best of all, I carry the warm memory that they both loved me enough to have shared their lives with me. I now have four grandchildren of my own, and I want to love and share myself with them as my grandmas did with me. -- KAREN SLIKKER, DAYTON, TENN.

DEAR KAREN: Thank you for a heartwarming letter. When God handed out grandmas, you were doubly blessed. Your grandchildren are fortunate indeed.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 16-year-old girl, raised to be old-fashioned. I am very uncomfortable with how the rules of courtship have changed over the years. It used to be that guys pursued the girls. Now, the situation has reversed and girls have become the aggressors.

Most of the guys I know won't ask me out unless I make the first move and call them. They are so used to being chased that they think if a girl doesn't do it, she's not interested.

How can I encourage a guy to ask me out without being the aggressor? -- OLD-FASHIONED GIRL IN INDIANA

DEAR OLD-FASHIONED: Most males like to be chased. It's flattering, and that way they know they won't be turned down. However, there are ways a girl can let a guy know she's interested without coming on like a shark that smells blood.

(1) Be friendly.

(2) Have a reason for calling other than just to talk.

(3) If you share a genuine interest in something he's interested in, let him know it.

(4) If you want to see him outside of school, ask him to join you and a group of your friends. It will take the pressure off.

Last, if you think you're alone in having this problem, read on:

DEAR ABBY: I'm writing regarding a letter from "Regretful in Springfield," who said she would have married "Todd" if he had only let her know how he felt. Her mother revealed on her deathbed that Todd had left the state on "Regretful's" wedding day because "Texas wasn't big enough to hold his grief."

He probably told her mom believing the way to the calf is through the cow, thinking she would tell her daughter. Unfortunately, many of us are too trusting and indirect. Believe me, the best way to get a message across is to deliver it yourself and not count on someone else to do it for you. Leave nothing to chance. -- BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, LAKE WALES, FLA.

DEAR BT/DT: You're 100 percent right. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: "Regretful" could have stepped up and asked Todd, the shy guy, out for a cup of coffee. (How simple!) This somewhat current -- in the scope of modern history -- mostly American habit of women playing coy rarely works out well.

I believe that a woman waiting for her knight on a white horse is a stupid fantasy that has been sold to us by the entertainment industry for the last 75 years. Someone once said: "Where are all the nice men? Well, they're usually standing right next to you."

I have talked to many senior citizens, in particular senior women. I always asked them the same question: "Did you court or somehow 'go after' your husband"? About 75 percent of these women admitted they had made the first move to get their man's attention -- dropping by the pond where they fished, or asking them about their job or family.

Abby, I have had two women tell me they had a crush on me in high school, and yet these same two women dated only popular athletes. I don't remember either of those beautiful girls looking my way. If women want to miss out on the "shy guy" and continue to date the wolves out there, it's very easy -- just continue doing nothing. Nice guys are everywhere. -- ROBERT IN CARLSBAD, CALIF.

DEAR ROBERT: Well said. To which I add: If nice guys would simply look around instead of focusing solely on their own insecurities, they might discover they have a host of admirers.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Last year I took time from work to assist my mother-in-law who was facing surgery in another state. During my visit, her next-door neighbor told me my visit was a "positive sign." When I asked what he meant, he said my in-laws had told him that I had kept their son from visiting and having a relationship with them since we married more than 15 years ago.

Abby, I was stunned! The truth is, my husband calls or visits his mother only when I insist on it. I have even dialed their number and put the phone in his hand so he HAD to talk to them. He feels closer to my family and enjoys the time we spend with them.

I told my husband what the neighbor said. He dismissed it and said his parents are just unhappy people. Abby, should I tell my in-laws the truth, or let them continue to believe I am responsible for driving a wedge between their son and them? -- PUZZLED DAUGHTER-IN-LAW

DEAR DAUGHTER-IN-LAW: Blaming you for the distance between them and their son may be an easier pill to swallow than placing the blame where it belongs. However, I see nothing to be gained by telling them "the truth" at this late date. They probably wouldn't believe you if you did.

DEAR ABBY: I read with interest the letter about the college student whose grandmother blatantly favored her other grandchildren, yet expected him to do chores around her house. I loved the irony of the woman who responded. She said her mother was also treated badly, but the grandmother left her entire fortune to them. There's no cash inheritance in my life, but I wouldn't trade what I learned for any amount of money.

My mother was the child of a failed first marriage. I realized when my grandmother died that she had never told my mom or me that she loved us. At her funeral, I heard stories from my half-cousins of hugs, kisses, declarations of love, shopping trips, lunches and sleep-overs. In my entire life, she took me to lunch and shopping once. Period.

Through my mother's love and assurance, I realized the problem was my grandmother's, not mine. More important, I learned from my mother's example:

(1) Tell your family often that you love them.

(2) Forgive and forget; don't hold a grudge.

(3) Tell the truth with love and tact.

(4) Treat people with respect and kindness -- even when it isn't returned.

(5) Your grandmother can be a bitter, hateful woman, but you don't have to follow in her footsteps.

(6) Life isn't always fair, but it can be wonderful in spite of it.

Abby, I am grateful that I carefully watched my grandmother when I was growing up because I learned at a young age what I did NOT want to be. -- KAREN IN SALT LAKE CITY

DEAR KAREN: You are an intelligent woman who was able to take a bitter lesson and turn it into a growth experience. Most people are not so wise. I commend you for it.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)