DEAR ABBY: I am responding to "Lost Mother in the Midwest," who ran away from her family and now yearns to return to the fold. She should see a counselor immediately and begin to climb out of the horrible pit she is in. I have been there and recognize the words "unneeded, disrespectful, ignored, my fault," and "don't deserve their forgiveness."

Her self-confidence is bankrupt, and professional help can guide her through rebuilding who she is. She must learn to care for and love herself before anyone else can love her. She must learn to confront and halt abusive treatment. She deserves better. Life outside the "pit" is worth living.

I wish her the joy I now have. -- FREE IN GAINESVILLE, FLA.

DEAR FREE: I received some criticism for calling what "Lost Mother" did "irrational behavior." While I do not believe that her leaving was irrational, I do take exception to the WAY in which she did it -- leaving behind her clothes, mementos, friends and even her mother for a year without a word. She could have achieved the same effect without isolating herself. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: If that woman had been in a work setting and her boss had talked to her in irritated tones, and her co-workers were disrespectful or ignored her altogether, she would have cause for filing harassment charges.

Were she in a school setting and the teacher always spoke to her in irritated tones, and her classmates were disrespectful or ignored her altogether, you would have advised her to take the teacher to task and be concerned that her classmates were harassing her.

Is that behavior more acceptable in a family setting because the perpetrators are her husband and sons? Absolutely not!

It appears she was at the breaking point and escaped the only way she could. Many people have chosen suicide at that point, but she chose to run away from home.

She should seek counseling, but only to see if she would really care to go back to an abusive situation. -- DISAPPOINTED IN NEILTON, WASH.

DEAR DISAPPOINTED: I did not advise her to return to an abusive situation. I told her to seek counseling to be sure she was strong enough to face what might lie ahead. Once she was on firmer emotional footing, the counselor -- or a clergyperson -- could mediate and facilitate the family reunion. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Had her family been supportive and seen to it that she had been evaluated physically and mentally, maybe she would owe them an apology. But as it stands, the husband and the sons should be begging her for forgiveness. She should not return to them until the entire family has completed therapy. Only then will they deserve HER forgiveness. -- ROBYN IN TACOMA

DEAR ROBYN: On that point I certainly agree. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I would like to say to "Lost Mother": Get help, get strong -- and THEN tell your kids how much you love them. It may take a while for them to fully understand why you left -- but in time they will. Also, don't go back to your husband unless he is willing to admit that he was wrong and agrees to go to counseling, too.

Good luck. I'm rooting for you. -- BEEN THERE, TOO

DEAR "TOO": I hope "Lost Mother" sees your letter -- and that she knows we are all rooting for her.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I loved your reply to the woman whose nasty mother-in-law expects her college-bound grandson to call and visit and do her chores on weekends. This after years of playing favorites with his cousins and disrespectful treatment of his mother. The woman asked what to say to her mother-in-law when she called and demanded the young man's phone number.

You advised her to tell her mother-in-law that college is a big adjustment, that the young man has her telephone number with him, and in the meantime she'll have to find someone else to do her chores.

I have a further suggestion -- turn the phone over to her husband when nasty grandma calls and starts complaining. Let HIM do the explaining.

I'm sick of people who advise turning the other cheek or keeping peace in the family. If people want respect, they had better act like they deserve it. -- EX-RELATIVE AND GLAD OF IT

DEAR GLAD: You are correct that respect is something that cannot be demanded or bought. It's something that must be earned. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: That "mean" grandmother could have been my grandma. She never liked my mother and constantly criticized her in front of us and other relatives. She favored the other grandkids and ignored us.

My mother never held a grudge against my grandmother. Mother encouraged us to ignore the nasty comments. She said that in time, Grandma would realize the error of her ways.

For years, I would go to my grandmother's house and clean the pool, do housework and pull weeds in her yard. My sister would also help, but my brother was less forgiving. He wanted nothing to do with her.

My sister, brother and I have all turned out well. We have college educations and successful careers. The "favored" grandkids are either unemployed or still living with their parents.

Grandma passed away recently. Her "last will and testament" speaks volumes. In it, she stated that she had given money and gifts to her other children -- none of whom had ever lifted a hand to help when she needed it -- so she was leaving her sizable estate to my family, including my mother.

My mom cried. -- A BIG FAN IN CANOGA PARK, CALIF.

DEAR FAN: Your mom may have cried, but each time I read your letter I can't help smiling. Your mother's kindness and a lifetime of turning the other cheek paid dividends -- literally.

CONFIDENTIAL TO "SHAFTED AGAIN" IN SILVER SPRING: One of the most exhausting burdens in the world is the weight of bearing a grudge. Read on:

FORGIVENESS

(Author Unknown)

The friend who ran off with your wife,

Forgive him for his lust;

The chum who sold you phony stocks,

Forgive his breach of trust;

The pal who schemed behind your back,

Forgive his evil plot;

And when you're done, forgive yourself

'Cause you are all you've got.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR READERS: My New Year's column has become an annual tradition. These New Year's resolutions are based on the original credo of Al-Anon with the addition of some variations of my own.

Just for today, I will live through this day only, and not set far-reaching goals to try to overcome all my problems at once. I know I can do something for 24 hours that would overwhelm me if I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

Just for today, I will be happy. I will not dwell on thoughts that depress me. I will chase them out of my mind and replace them with happy thoughts.

Just for today, I will adjust myself to what is. I will face reality. I will correct those things that I can correct and accept those I cannot.

Just for today, I will improve my mind. I will not be a mental loafer. I will force myself to read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.

Just for today, I will make a conscious effort to be agreeable. I will be kind and courteous to those who cross my path, and not speak ill of others. I will look as good as I can, dress becomingly, speak softly, and not interrupt when someone else is talking. Just for today, I'll try not to improve anybody except myself.

Just for today, I will do something positive to improve my health. If I'm a smoker, I'll make an honest effort to quit. If I'm overweight, I'll eat nothing I know to be fattening. And I will force myself to exercise -- even if it's only walking around the block or using the stairs instead of the elevator.

We know so much more today about nutrition and how exercise and sensible living can extend life and make it more enjoyable; so just for today, I'll take good care of my body so I can celebrate many more happy new years.

Just for today, I will have a program. I may not follow it to the letter, but I will have it -- thereby saving myself from two pests: hurry and indecision.

Just for today, I will gather the courage to do what is right and take responsibility for my own actions.

To one and all, a happy, healthy New Year! -- LOVE, ABBY

P.S. I'm sure anyone who lives with a football addict will appreciate the following letter I've been saving for today. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: No earth-shaking problem, just a day-brightener:

A man bought his mother, a sweet old lady of 75, a portable television set for Christmas. After the excitement of the holidays was over, she finally sat down on New Year's Day to watch some TV. Anticipating a game show or a soap opera, she turned it on -- and got the Rose Bowl game. She changed the channels and saw the Cotton Bowl and the Orange Bowl. In disgust, she turned the set off.

The next day she phoned her son: "I'm sorry to tell you this, son," she said, "but there's something wrong with the television set you got me. The only thing you can get on it is football games." -- DEAN BUNN, BROOKLYN CENTER, MINN.

DEAR DEAN: The football crowd may not appreciate that joke, but anyone who is "bowled over" today will.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)