DEAR ABBY: After many years of part-time college classes squeezed in between working and parenting our children, finally at age 42, I have earned my bachelor's degree. I skipped the traditional graduation activities, such as the commencement exercise, but I did order announcements to send to close friends and relatives.

My husband said I shouldn't send announcements. He views them as bids for gifts, which he thinks are for 20-somethings just starting out in adult life.

Abby, I mailed the announcements anyway. Some people did respond with gifts, none of which were inappropriate or overly expensive. Others brought bottles of wine to our party to celebrate my accomplishment. However, I would still like to know if announcements for mature graduates are in poor taste. -- PROUD "OLDER" GRADUATE

DEAR GRADUATE: Announcements of accomplishments such as obtaining one's degree are not in poor taste. It's never too late to celebrate becoming the person you want to be. Just because it took you longer to get your degree than those who were fortunate enough to study full-time, no one should minimize your hard work.

Congratulations on your tenacity and your degree. You are a role model for your children and other adults.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 17-year-old high school student. Until I was 13, I did some modeling and my mother entered me in beauty pageants. I constantly worried about my appearance and considered myself ugly if I didn't win. At 13, I began what my mother called "the ugly years."

At my last pageant, the judge told me I was gaining some "chub" and needed to lose weight. After that, I became bulimic for a year. Fortunately, I realized what I was doing to myself and stopped bingeing and purging.

During the four years I have not competed in pageants, I've become happier and more self-confident. My mother recently told me that now that I'm through the "ugly" stage, it is time to begin modeling again.

Abby, I don't think I can do it. I never told my mother about my bulimia, and she refuses to listen to my reasons for not wanting to model. I don't want her to know about this disorder, especially since I am over it. What should I do? -- NO NEED TO SHOW OFF

DEAR NO NEED: Tell your mother exactly what her ambition cost you the first time around. It's time she stopped projecting her own ambitions on you. At 17, you are nearly an adult. Under no circumstances should you allow yourself to be pushed into a career that's potentially so damaging to your physical and emotional health.

DEAR ABBY: My brother-in-law's father recently passed away. We had met him several times, but were unable to travel to the funeral services.

My husband and I want to share our sympathies with the family, but we don't know to whom we should send our condolences -- my brother-in-law, his mother or both. What is proper in this situation? -- WONDERING IN WASHINGTON

DEAR WONDERING: Send an individual note of sympathy to each of them. While one letter might suffice, they are both grieving and would appreciate a personal message acknowledging their loss.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Hello? Is anybody home? How could you agree with "Lucy in Cheyenne, Wyo.," who admonished married couples not to shower together because they leave the children unsupervised when they do? Tell that ice cube to get a life!

Are we to assume that single parents don't bathe? Or that in a two-parent household, Mom doesn't shower unless Dad is at home to watch the kids? Do they take turns sleeping?

Obviously, Lucy never had kids. And, with her negative attitude about physical closeness, she probably never will! -- JOYCE IN DOLTON, ILL.

DEAR JOYCE: Cool off. Lucy and I both stand corrected. As long as the child is secured in a playpen or a child-proofed room, it's probably going to be just fine if the parents take a shower break. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I am so steamed, I can hardly sit still to write you!

As an extremely busy mother of three active boys (one with special needs), I want to tell "Lucy" to MYOB.

Couples have to give up a lot (albeit willingly) when their children are born. Sneaking a few private moments in the shower while their little ones are asleep or behind a security gate is neither neglectful nor unsafe.

Why? Baby monitors! They are so sensitive you can hear your child breathing, much less waking up and crying for attention.

Loving, affectionate parents who enjoy intimacy are among the greatest gifts you can give a child, assuring them of a stable home life. -- MAD REDHEAD IN TEXAS

DEAR MAD REDHEAD: That's true. Couples who play together usually stay together.

DEAR ABBY: "Smokeless but Outnumbered in Pennsylvania," who dreaded the thought of her heavy-smoking in-laws holding her newborn baby, has a legitimate concern. Many smokers have the mistaken idea that their secondhand smoke is a gas that is "gone with the wind" when the cigarette goes out.

Quite the contrary. Cigarette smoke produces microscopic particles of carcinogenic substances that land on clothing, skin and hair. These particles are stirred up with every movement and drift into the air and can be inhaled by those around them long after the cigarette is out.

People who are subject to secondhand smoke have a four times greater chance of getting lung cancer than those not exposed. As a respiratory therapist who works in pediatric intensive care, I am always outraged when I have a pediatric patient who is struggling to breathe, and Mom and/or Dad and/or relatives come into the room reeking of cigarettes. I try to explain that even though they go outside to smoke, they are bringing particles into the room that have clung to their hair and clothing.

Smokers should take a paper towel and wipe down the windows of their cars. That yellow stain on the paper towel is not a gas but an accumulation of microscopic particles that also lodge in people's lungs.

I would urge "Smokeless" to allow her in-laws to hold her baby only after they shampoo, shower and put on clean clothes since their last cigarette. A baby can't defend itself. If her husband won't, then she has to. -- BOB CRONIN, CAPE ELIZABETH, MAINE

DEAR BOB: You have written a powerful letter. If it convinces just one set of young parents to assert themselves on their child's behalf, then it was well worth the space in my column.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: National Fire Protection Association President John M. Buckman III urged families to change the batteries in their smoke alarms when changing their clocks back to standard time.

I recently installed two smoke alarms in my home with the help of an elderly gentleman friend. When the job was done, I pushed the test button and the sound nearly knocked me off my feet.

My friend didn't bat an eye. When I asked him if he had heard it, his response was, "Heard what?" I asked him to put his ear next to the alarm and pushed the button again with the same result. I knew he couldn't hear high-pitched sounds like the singing of birds, but the alarm sound was so sharp and intrusive I couldn't believe he didn't hear it.

I called the 800-number listed on the brochure and was told the alarms are manufactured with only one pitch!

Are people afflicted with this condition expected to remain at risk should fire erupt in their home because no one makes an alarm attuned to their disability?

It would seem like a simple adjustment to make alarms with a lower pitch audible to everyone. Mr. Buckman asked you to remind readers about the importance of maintaining working smoke alarms. I would like to remind him about how important it is they work for everyone, including people with hearing impairments.

Now that I've sounded my alarm, I hope it is heard by those who can respond to it. -- CONCERNED READER, NEWPORT, VT.

DEAR CONCERNED READER: Your letter is news to me -- and I'm sure it will be of interest to many others. Surely some enterprising manufacturer will see the wisdom of producing a smoke alarm with an adjustable tone that would make it audible to almost everyone. There is clearly a market for such a product.

DEAR ABBY: After reading the letters about the elderly widower whose daughters drove away his second wife and thwarted his subsequent attempts to find love, I offer some suggestions:

1. Rather than telling his daughters to take a flying leap or rewriting his will, he should pick up the phone and call his daughters every day. If they're not home, he should call again and demand to know where they were.

2. Call them several other times a day just to tell them how lonesome he is.

3. Tell them how much he misses their mother -- and whine.

4. Try the phrase, "I don't want to worry you, but ..." and complain he's not feeling well, making sure to fully describe every ache and pain.

5. Invite them to his house, saying he needs their help with something -- and whine some more.

6. Drop by for meals unannounced. Better still, stop by any time of day or night and hang around, making a nuisance of himself.

7. Be sure to criticize their housekeeping, child-rearing and anything else he can think of.

If he does this often enough, he'll make them wish he WOULD remarry. -- ANN RIDDELL, PORTLAND, ORE.

DEAR ANN: You're a clever psychologist. If Dad were to become unrelentingly needy and demanding, his self-centered daughters would probably waste no time in distancing themselves.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)