DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are in serious debt -- college tuition payments, property tax, car repairs, etc. I would like to tell my husband's grown children and grandchildren we can't afford to give them gifts this year. My husband says we HAVE to buy them gifts. (I am usually stuck doing all the gift shopping alone.)

Throughout the year, I am included in all family gatherings, but when the grandchildren's pictures are sent, the note is addressed only to my husband. I have never received a birthday or Mother's Day card from any of them. I don't think it's because they consider it disloyal to their own mother. She's happily remarried, and we get along great.

Abby, I don't know why I must get "another day older and deeper in debt" for people who would walk right over me if I happened to fall in their path.

Am I being selfish or is there a point where you can "just say no" to Christmas gift giving? -- DEPRESSED THIS DECEMBER

DEAR DEPRESSED: If your husband insists on going deeper into debt, tell him that this year HE is in charge of gift buying -- as well as managing the bills when they arrive in January.

You are "Depressed" because you are overwhelmed by your financial situation and feel unappreciated by your husband's children. You and your husband would benefit from some sessions with a marriage counselor. It would give each of you an opportunity in an emotionally supportive setting to express what you expect from each other and what you want for yourselves. Ask your physician for a referral. It will be the best Christmas gift you have given yourselves in years.

DEAR ABBY: This is in response to "Clothespin Connie on Long Island," whose husband won't shower before bed.

When my sons were old enough to date, I taught them that old men shave and shower in the morning, while young men shave and shower at night. It's based on the old adage, "You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar."

I still shave and shower at night -- and I'm 79 years young. -- CHET IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR CHET: With an emphasis on the "young"! Perhaps that saying should be amended to, "You can catch more HONEYS with honey than you can with vinegar."

DEAR ABBY: For the past few years, our elderly neighbor has come over to our house on Christmas morning. We are usually still in our pajamas watching our children opening their gifts.

Abby, I would prefer to enjoy this special morning with my immediate family ONLY. I don't want this neighbor intruding. How can I handle this delicate situation without hurting her feelings? -- FEELING LIKE THE GRINCH

DEAR FEELING: Your family may remind her of her own -- or the one she always wanted. However, your lonely neighbor won't stop coming for early morning festivities until you set limits.

A few days before Christmas, invite her to come to your home at a specific time -- for example, 1 p.m. to 3 p.m. on Christmas Day, or on Christmas Eve, if that is more convenient.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm 16, normally a good kid, but I made a major goof. Ordinarily I'd be punished, but my parents think I've suffered enough. They suggested I write to you as a way of reminding other kids about the importance of obeying their parents.

Last Saturday, my parents had a dinner engagement and said I could have two girlfriends over for the night. They gave me three rules: no mess, no boys and don't open the door to strangers. My parents left at 7. My girlfriends and I made popcorn and put on some CDs. We flopped in the living room and started munching. About 8 p.m. the doorbell rang. Glancing out the window I thought it was a guy I am dating and opened the door. Big mistake.

Three guys pushed their way in, threatened us with guns and said they wanted money. They asked if it was my house and if anyone else was around. I was too scared to tell them anything but the truth. Two of them started tying up my girlfriends, the other tied my wrists behind my back with cord and led me from room to room opening drawers, closets, cabinets and taking jewelry, cash and other items. When we got back to the living room, my friends were lying face down on the carpet, hogtied and gagged. I was then bound up like a salami, gagged and pushed to the floor. They told us not to move for half an hour and left.

When we were sure they were gone, we started struggling, but couldn't get loose or communicate with each other. My parents weren't expected home until well after midnight, and I was not content waiting three or four hours for help.

Since I had not been hogtied, I was eventually able to get to my feet, hop to the door, get it opened, and hop across the lawn -- falling three or four times. Fortunately, our neighbor saw me. By the time she untied me and we got back to the house, my poor friends, still bound on the carpet, were sure I had fallen into the shrubbery and couldn't get up.

Luckily, aside from a few aches, none of us was hurt. But I'm sure we'll have nightmares for quite some time. Meanwhile, I urge kids to obey their parents. I wish I had. -- TIED UP ON SATURDAY NIGHT

EAR TIED UP: Your letter gave me chills. You and your friends are lucky you weren't beaten, raped or murdered. I'm printing your letter as a warning for other young people. Parents may seem overprotective much of the time -- but they usually have good reasons for setting the rules they do.

DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Happy Mom in North Carolina" about her 6-year-old son's reaction to the "facts of life" reminded me of my 6-year-old daughter's reaction.

She, too, prodded me for more details about where and how babies were made, until I carefully and gently explained the process.

When I finished my speech, she wrinkled her little nose and said, "Do you get to wear a blindfold or something?" -- MOM IN AUBURN, N.Y.

DEAR MOM: Your explanation must have been a real eye-opener.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am responding to the letter from "A Reader in St. Louis," who was indifferent to sex until she rediscovered a loving relationship with her husband and learned the true meaning of intimacy.

Her letter made me wonder how many women whose sex drive has diminished or disappeared have husbands like mine, who regards the romantic side of lovemaking as "sissy stuff," saying "real men" don't act that way.

My husband's image of a real man is any actor in a porno flick. Unfortunately, I am partly to blame for his attitude. I admit that we were both hooked on porn films as a turn-on. When we had sex, my husband expected me to writhe in ecstasy, moan and utter expletives for several minutes -- just like the porn actresses did. Never was the word "love" mentioned. It was as if it didn't belong in this scenario.

Because my husband has no other bad habits, doesn't cheat, and demonstrates his love in everyday acts of kindness, I went along with this play-acting for many years. However, the arousal I once felt from this contrived sex wore off for me a long time ago. It hasn't for him, though. He can't understand why I've gone from being a hot tamale to a cold fish.

When "Reader in St. Louis" wrote that "sex isn't entertainment," that line really hit home. The truth is, I have come to this same realization, while my husband has not. And, after 30 years of marriage, he probably never will.

In spite of all the advice we hear about experimenting with sex in different ways to keep the excitement in a relationship, take it from one who's tried it all: Cheap thrills don't last forever and can even have a damaging effect if there is no communication or intimacy between lovers. -- BEEN THERE, DONE IT ALL

DEAR BEEN THERE: It's time you and your husband attempted a new kind of sex thrill -- a frank and honest conversation about what is and is not going on in your bedroom. If you haven't verbalized your feelings to your spouse, you cannot blame him for continuing to do what he still thinks is "thrilling" to both of you. I agree with you that communication is vital. Marriage counseling can help you to achieve it. Please don't wait.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 67-year-old widow of two years. I live alone in the country, about a mile from a small two-stoplight town. My problem is that a nice gentleman who lives about seven hours away has been coming to see me from time to time, and he calls me every day, sometimes twice a day. He would like to come to see me and stay at my house, since he lives so far away. I am reluctant to let him because I don't know if it would be proper. I trust him, but I don't want to do anything that would embarrass my children and grandchildren.

What do you think? Should I let him stay at my house? -- LONELY IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR LONELY: By all means allow him to come and visit -- it's the only way the two of you will be able to decide whether the relationship has a future. However, because there are no secrets in a community as small as yours, invite one of your grandchildren to "chaperone" during his visits. If the relationship becomes romantic, the two of you should arrange to take some trips together. The tongues may still wag, but at least you'll have a degree of privacy.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)