DEAR ABBY: You've published letters from wives complaining about their husbands. You should know that there are also husbands who put up with verbally abusive wives.

I make close to a six-figure salary, but my wife isn't satisfied. She complains because many of our friends and neighbors make more.

My wife works, but believes she should spend all she earns on herself. Would it hurt her to pay for some of our children's school clothes or contribute to their school tuition, instead of me selling company stock?

She's forgotten what intimacy is. I send her flowers and take her to nice places for dinner. I don't even get a goodnight kiss.

I work 10 to 12 hours a day and still manage to wash the clothes, do the dishes and put everything away. She complains she doesn't have enough help around the house.

I buy her thoughtful presents. She gives me gift certificates from video stores.

What my wife doesn't know is that when the kids are out of college, this provider will be history! -- IDEAL HUSBAND IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR IDEAL: Why keep it a secret? If you tell your wife now, it's possible the two of you can save your relationship with marriage counseling. A mediator might be able to convince her to make a drastic attitude adjustment. It's worth a try. If it doesn't work, you'll be free sooner rather than later.

DEAR ABBY: I am in a spot. One of my best friends is being married in December the same day as my college graduation. I have worked very hard these past few years trying to obtain this graduate degree. I didn't graduate with any honors when I received my bachelor's, and so far I have a 4.0. I would receive a special award for this.

I am so confused. I don't know what to do. Should I just attend my graduation and show up for the reception? Or should I skip my graduation and go to the wedding? The bride is expecting me to forgo my graduation.

I am the first from my circle of friends to get a graduate degree. What should I do? -- IN A BIND IN TEXAS

DEAR IN A BIND: You have worked hard to earn your graduate degree and the honors that go with it. Attend your graduation ceremony and then go to your friend's wedding reception. If she begrudges you the validation you worked so hard to achieve, clip this and show it to her. She needs a dose of reality. It may be her big day, but it's your big day, too.

DEAR ABBY: I am a recycling nut. I throw nothing away that can possibly be recycled. I have long used worn-out panty hose as stuffing material, or cut it into strips to tie back house and garden plants.

But my newest discovery is fantastic: Cut the panty hose off about one-half inch below the panty line, cut out the crotch, slip it over your head, and voila! -- you have the neatest strapless bra. The control-top hose are firm enough to hold my 90-year-old sagging breasts, and it's very comfortable. No stays, no wires, no stiff cloth. Wherever you wear it, it stays -- high or low. I just had to share this idea. –- MISSOURI RECYCLER

DEAR RECYCLER: Thank you for the uplifting letter, and for your original addition to the recycling support effort.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My wife, "Delia," is normally a very caring person, but she has a volatile temper. When she loses it, she shouts, curses, slams doors, etc. Even as a child, Delia had a reputation for being a hothead. But she's no longer a little girl. We're both over 50. Recently her temper has escalated to hitting in addition to verbal outbursts.

While I was driving during our vacation, I made the mistake of laughing at something Delia considered serious. In full view of our children in the backseat, she hauled off and hit me across the face. This was no love tap; my jaw was stiff the entire next day. Even more troubling, now that the vacation is over and she has cooled down, she sees no need to apologize. She claims I deserved it.

I have my faults, but violent behavior is not one of them. I've suggested anger management to Delia -– she even went for a few sessions -– but now this. How can we help her to change? -- NEVER BEEN HIT BEFORE IN TINSELTOWN

DEAR NEVER BEEN HIT BEFORE: Violence, whether verbal or physical, cannot be tolerated. Your wife's out-of-control anger must be harnessed before she inflicts serious injury on someone.

Everyone feels angry at some point. It can be triggered by many things, including feeling fearful and helpless. Many people have never learned to express that anger in acceptable ways.

Suppressing her anger until it erupts is one cause of the violent outbursts. Venting is like releasing steam from a pressure cooker. Explain to Delia that the challenge is not to deny her anger, but to understand what is making her angry and to express it in ways that will be more effective and constructive. Rather than flaring up, a few well-chosen words that make the point are more likely to achieve the desired results.

There are more proven methods for coping with anger without lashing out or hurting those around us. I have incorporated some of them in my booklet, "The Anger in All of Us, and How to Deal With It." To order a copy of this booklet, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby –- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: After reading a recent column of yours, I feel compelled to write. One of your letter-writers included "massage parlors" with vices such as lap dancing and strip clubs.

I realize there are some businesses that call themselves massage parlors and are no more than fronts for prostitution. However, therapeutic massage is a growing field that is doing well at getting past certain unsavory stereotypes.

As a massage therapist, I implore you to remind your readers that therapeutic massage is a valid means of enhancing one's personal well-being. Massage can increase circulation, improve muscle tone, relieve pain, and improve a range of motion in stiff joints. Some large companies actually contract on-site massage therapists in an effort to reduce repetitive-motion or static-positioning injuries and also to improve employee morale. -- JOY IN FORT COLLINS, COLO.

DEAR JOY: You're absolutely right, and you'll get no argument from me. I enjoy massages myself from time to time. I consider them to be the ultimate luxury.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:

Be careful of your thoughts, for your thoughts become your words.

Be careful of your words, for your words become your actions.

Be careful of your actions, for your actions become your habits.

Be careful of your habits, for your habits become your character.

Be careful of your character, for your character becomes your destiny. -- AUTHOR UNKNOWN

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

DEAR ABBY: This is for "Sally in Fort Collins, Colo.," who is trying to convince her husband to take some time off from their plumbing business to spend with the family.

I, too, used to work a lot of hours, sometimes working two jobs just to have that "extra cash." It seemed important to make sure my kids had the best clothes, toys, went to the best schools –- whatever. I wanted to drive a nicer car, have a nicer house, etc. There was always tomorrow for field trips or the park. We could wait until next year to take that family vacation.

Now there is no tomorrow. My son died last year. He was only 14. I would live in a cardboard box for the rest of my life to be able to go to a football game or a concert with him. I would take the bus every day if it meant we could hit golf balls in the back yard again.

Sally should tell her husband to think long and hard about what is really important. Things are replaceable. Time is not. -- FILLED WITH REGRET, CHATTANOOGA, TENN.

DEAR FILLED WITH REGRET: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your son. I hope Sally shows your letter to her husband. I can't imagine a more powerful motivator. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I also owned a plumbing company and worked long and hard to be successful. However, we made our kids and our marriage a priority. Kids grow up quickly, and you can lose sight of what's important in your marriage if you don't remember what you're working for in the first place.

My husband and I made a date once a month -– just the two of us. We also made sure we spent quality time with our kids.

I want Sally to show this letter to her husband. My hardworking, healthy-as-a-horse husband was diagnosed with kidney cancer and was dead eight months later. The kids and I are left with the happy times we spent together. Please urge Sally and her husband to make the time TODAY. They might not have tomorrow. -- SOUTH TEXAS WIDOW

DEAR WIDOW: You're right. There are no guarantees. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: My husband also said he was working hard for an early retirement. For 20 years, the boys and I did all the things families do -– only without their father. I was more or less a married single mother. The boys' barber once asked them if they ever visited their father, because he hadn't seen him for years and assumed we were divorced.

When it was time for the good life, my husband found someone else and left us. Sticking around for 20 years was stupid on my part, but I wouldn't trade the relationship I had –- and still have -– with my two sons for anything in the world. I have tried to teach them to work hard and play hard. Life is too short not to. Workaholism destroys relationships. I don't consider myself a loser, but I do think my ex-husband is. He missed out on a great family. -- HAPPY IN INDIANA

DEAR HAPPY: How sad for him. We usually get out of relationships what we invest in them. I don't think you were stupid for sticking around; you were finishing the job you started, and your signature shows it was the right thing for you.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)