DEAR ABBY: At our Halloween party last year, which included both parents and children, my brother and I somewhat jokingly debated the two presidential candidates. My brother was for Bush. I was for Gore.

Sometime during the evening, my then 11-year-old daughter asked me why her uncle was for Bush and I was for Gore. I explained why I was for Gore and gave her four or five reasons. She asked again why her uncle was for Bush. I told her to go ask him.

During the merriment of the evening, I forgot about the subject until we were on the way home and my daughter asked me how I could think that killing a little baby was OK. I was speechless! I asked her where she had gotten such an idea. She said her uncle had told her that Gore thought it was OK to kill babies, and if I was voting for him, so did I. I tried to explain about a woman's right to choose -- and that I DO think a woman should have that choice, but I was so shocked I hardly knew how to defend myself.

It has been nearly a year now. Ever since that night my daughter has been very distant toward me. I have tried to talk to her about it several times, but she refuses to discuss it.

I'm at my wit's end. My daughter is now 12 and our closeness has been destroyed. I found out her class made Mother's Day cards, but my daughter never gave hers to me. There are no more hugs and kisses at bedtime -- just "good night."

What can I do? I love my daughter with all my heart. I'd give anything to have her the way she was before. -- DESTROYED MOTHER IN DALLAS

DEAR DESTROYED MOTHER: Sit your daughter down and tell her that the subject of a woman's right to choose is a controversial one, and that it is OK if she disagrees with you about it. It's a topic about which everyone has to make up her (or his) own mind. Her uncle thinks the way he does, and you love him in spite of it.

Explain that you are not in favor of killing babies, but that you feel it is important for a woman to have the right to choose. Some women's lives have been saved because they were legally empowered to make that choice. It wasn't always the case.

Tell her that as she grows older, you want her to examine her reasons for feeling the way she does about this subject -- but you also want her to be open to different points of view, because there are more than one, and people have a right to their own opinions. It may not heal the breach your brother has caused, but it's a beginning.

And finally, I urge you to talk to your daughter's uncle about this entire situation. He could help a great deal by reinforcing what you have said -- and he should. He was out of line from the beginning for having given your daughter his inflammatory answer to her question.

DEAR ABBY: I burst into tears at my kitchen table when I read the "Father's Day" poem written by the four Phoenix teen-agers to their single-parent mom. It was called, "To Father on Her Special Day."

Their words made me feel recognized, honored and affirmed. Even though the world often tells me otherwise, raising and loving my two children, who are now 11 and 20, with the help of friends and family, is the most important work in my life.

Abby, I would like to remind your readers that there are also single dads out there doing their best for their kids.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you for printing that poem. -- SINGLE MOM STILL ON THE JOURNEY

DEAR MOM: You're welcome. And you're absolutely right -- there ARE many dedicated single fathers who are also "doing their best" for their kids -- with great results.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: You were correct to advise "Survivor in San Francisco" that acquaintance rape must be reported as soon as possible. Drug rapes can be difficult to prove. GHB (a common incapacitating drug) leaves the victim's body in 12 hours without a trace. Filing charges immediately enables police to obtain a search warrant to look for evidence that supports the charges -- such as vials of drugs, or drug residue in a glass.

A friend of mine was drugged and raped last summer. I'll spare you the details, but she had the guts to go immediately to the police. After the rapist was arrested, other victims came forward. No one knows for sure how many victims there are, but it's alleged that he had been drugging and raping for years.

I believe that failure to report such a crime makes one an accomplice. The price of freedom is eternal vigilance; part of one's responsibility as a citizen is to fight for justice. If any of the previous victims had reported their rape, perhaps my friend might not have been raped.

I'd also like to begin a campaign to eliminate from the lexicon the words "date rape" and "acquaintance rape." "Incapacitation rape" is more appropriate. We don't say "date murder" or "acquaintance murder," despite the fact that most murders are committed by someone known to the victim. Let's not supply euphemisms to heinous crimes. Criminals should be reported, tried and punished accordingly if found guilty. -- ANGRY BOYFRIEND IN VERMONT

DEAR ANGRY BOYFRIEND: I agree. It is unfortunate that in cases of sexual assault, many people still tend to blame the victim. And because of that mind-set, many rape victims also blame themselves for what happened to them. Until that attitude changes, and until parents get the message across to their children of both sexes that women have the right to say no to sex, sexual assaults will continue. Victims must find the courage to report these crimes so the predator can be stopped.

DEAR ABBY: Here's a topper for your "can you top this" collection. My wife and I attended a lovely wedding. The groom was a 45-year-old physician; his bride is a 38-year-old professional. It was a first marriage for both, a lavish affair with a reception and formal dinner following the ceremony.

Six weeks later, we received the following e-mail from the newlyweds: "Dear Friends: We're back from our glorious honeymoon romp through the game parks of East Africa, and still basking in the glow of our wedding.

"Tomorrow we're meeting with the catering manager at the hotel where our wedding was held, because we're disputing the liquor bill from the wedding dinner. Their claim works out to seven drinks per person! This is separate from the wine and champagne served during dinner.

"Would you please e-mail us the number and kind of drinks you drank at our wedding? We are meeting at 9 a.m. so we need your response ASAP. Thank you (all) for making our wedding so special."

Abby, my wife and I are aghast at this request. What's your take on this? -- APPALLED IN LEUCADIA, CALIF.

DEAR APPALLED: That bill must have been a sobering reality after an intoxicating honeymoon. Either some guests from another wedding wandered into the doctor's reception, or a horde of free-loaders bellied up to the bar. Whatever the cause, the problem needs investigation.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

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DEAR ABBY: I am a social worker at a large, church-owned group home for abused, abandoned and neglected children. I hear many stories similar to the letter from "Wanting Peace and Quiet in Oklahoma," who described how her "wonderful husband, Chad" breaks things, punches holes in the walls, and had even flung the family dog to the ground in a fit of anger.

I wonder if that woman is really considering what's best for her children, or if she's like some single mothers whose desire to feel loved by a man has clouded their decisions.

If her children grow up with Chad as their father, they may end up attaching themselves to an abuser or even becoming abusers themselves, believing violence is acceptable because it's familiar.

That woman should leave Chad for now. It's healthier to be a single-parent family than a two-parent family in an atmosphere of violence, incest or discord. If Chad really loves his family, he'll do whatever it takes to become the husband and father he needs to be to get them back. If he doesn't -- he's no asset to the family.

That mother should protect her children now, rather than risk their becoming statistics in the foster care system. -- SOCIAL WORKER, FALCON, N.C.

DEAR SOCIAL WORKER: I agree that for the sake of her children, "Wanting Peace and Quiet" must end the fear and disruption in their lives. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: "Chad's" actions have nothing to do with an "anger" problem. They have everything to do with controlling his spouse. His behavior is a planned technique to control through fear and intimidation. He does not need anger management. At a minimum, he needs to be in a batterers treatment program and to be prosecuted for his abusive treatment and do some jail time. It should not be jail in lieu of treatment, but a combination of the two.

I am a law enforcement officer who has spent years working with survivors of violent relationships. I see a tremendous need for society to stop the violence and hold batterers accountable. My experience shows that the husband is abusing the pet to show the wife and children what he'll do to them if they tell anyone.

That woman should seek help immediately to begin safety planning and counseling. -- OFFICER DAN

DEAR OFFICER DAN: "Wanting Peace" did not describe her husband as violent to her or the kids. She said she was afraid to assert herself for fear that he would walk out on her. I advised her to get counseling ASAP to get her priorities in order and to give her a more complete understanding of what she must do.

While violence to animals, intimidation of children and destruction of property are deplorable, it appears that some women do not have the emotional strength to leave their abusers without outside intervention. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: No matter how "wonderful" her husband is the rest of the time, anyone who deliberately hurts the family pet (in front of the children, no less!) is clearly a danger to the rest of the family.

People who scapegoat and abuse defenseless animals are also prone to hurt human beings. In recent years, cruelty toward companion animals has been increasingly recognized as a warning sign of other actual or potential violence within the family.

The Humane Society of the United States began a campaign last year called "The First Strike Campaign," to alert the public to the connection between animal abuse and violence toward humans.

Abuse toward any living being -- human or animal -- is a serious problem that should never be tolerated. -- CONCERNED READER IN NEW YORK CITY

DEAR CONCERNED: You're right. According to a 1997 survey, in the largest shelters for battered women in 19 states and the District of Columbia, 85.4 percent of women and 63 percent of children described incidents of pet abuse in the family.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)