DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married three years. We have a great relationship except for one problem: When "Chad" gets angry, he breaks things and punches holes in the walls. He eventually calms down and regains his composure, leaving broken dishes and cracked plaster.

This upsets my 9-year-old daughter. She was especially scared when Chad picked up our dog and flung him to the ground. She cried and wrote a prayer to God asking him to help her daddy.

I've told Chad he should attend anger control classes, but he says he doesn't need them. When Chad is himself, he adores my kids and they adore him. He is a far better father to my children than their natural father was.

Abby, how can I convince Chad to take the classes? I'm afraid if I push him he will walk out, leaving my kids without another father. -- WANTING PEACE AND QUIET IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR WANTING: You can't "convince" him. Your husband is the one who must realize that for the sake of his family he needs the anger control classes.

I am worried about your children's emotional health. When they see Chad violently throwing their dog to the ground, it's an implicit threat that he could do the same thing to them if they displease him. As a responsible parent, you must protect them from further intimidation. It's important that they feel secure in a safe environment.

Since Chad refuses to get help, I urge you to go to counseling yourself. It will help you to get your priorities in order and give you a more complete understanding of what you must do. Please don't wait.

DEAR ABBY: My sister-in-law and close friend of 20 years died of breast cancer two months ago. "Jane" was only 43. Her husband, "Brad," seemed loving and supportive until the end. Since then, however, his behavior has changed dramatically.

Jane died on Tuesday. The following Sunday, Jane's daughter called and said Brad was getting rid of Jane's clothes and asked if we wanted any of them. The following Thursday, Brad had a vasectomy. Two weeks after that, he brought his new 25-year-old girlfriend over to "meet the family"!

Abby, in the weeks since the funeral, Brad has been out on the town doing all the things Jane could never get him to do in the 20 years they were married. He and his girlfriend dine out in nice restaurants, go to ball games, you name it.

Brad acts like he's glad to be rid of Jane and all of her things. We are all appalled by his behavior. We are still grieving over Jane's death. We will never accept this woman into our lives. We realize that life goes on, but how soon is too soon? -- BOILING MAD OVER BRAD

DEAR BOILING MAD: There is no timetable for grief when the deceased died from a lingering illness. Hold on to the fact that Brad was a loving and supportive husband to Jane until the end -- when it counted. Try to be supportive. Brad may be assuaging his depression with this rebound romance, and it may not last. Try not to judge him harshly; the truth is, nobody knows what any marriage is like behind closed doors.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 36-year-old "super mom." I'm active in PTA, shuttle our two daughters and their friends around town, play on a community softball team, go to a gym twice a week, and work Wednesdays in a small sports equipment store owned by my in-laws.

My older daughter, "Jenny" (a junior in high school), stopped by the store last Wednesday after school. A few minutes later a nervous-looking man entered. He asked me about some ski equipment, and then -- holding what he claimed was a gun in his pocket -- demanded money from the register.

Abby, if I had been there alone I would have walloped him and run for the door, but I didn't want to take any chances with my daughter there. I told him to take what he wanted and leave.

Well, that wasn't the end of it. He ordered us into the back room, told us to lie face down, bound our hands and feet with duct tape, gagged us and left. Despite heroic tugging and squirming, neither Jenny nor I could free ourselves. It was more than an hour before a customer came in, heard us moaning and found us trussed up in the back of the store.

Thinking back, I was more angry than scared during the time we lay bound. Mostly I was worried that Jenny would be traumatized for life. I felt completely helpless.

I could hardly believe what happened next. When we were freed, Jenny wasn't traumatized. She became furious -- at me! She literally screamed at me, "Why did you let him tie us up, Mom?" She apparently felt -- and still feels -- that we could have used kung fu on him or something.

Although I still think I did the right thing, I feel guilty that my daughter is disillusioned because her mother allowed someone to tie us up without a fight. I have gone from super mom to super schnook. Any ideas on how to win back my daughter's admiration? -- BOUND AND GAGGED, NEWTON, PA.

DEAR BOUND AND GAGGED: You acted appropriately. Real life is not a martial arts movie where heroines take risks and live beyond the closing credits. If you had tried to "wallop" the robber, one or both of you might not be alive today.

Don't be so quick to conclude that your daughter "wasn't traumatized." She is blaming you for what happened because she felt helpless and humiliated. Both of you could benefit from some short-term post-traumatic stress counseling so that what happened can be put in proper perspective.

DEAR ABBY: This may be a bit "racy" for your column, but consider it an alternative to your advice to "Furious in Adrian, Mich.," the 14-year-old whose ex-boyfriend wrongly claimed to have had sex with her.

Rather than forcing a potentially ugly confrontation, a more effective way to shut the guy up would be to follow an example related to me by a colleague from Italy:

A braggart once boasted to all who would listen that he'd had sex with the class beauty. When someone would mention it to her, she'd simply shrug it off by saying, "Yes, he tried -- but he was sooo small ..." -- NO BIG DEAL IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR N.B.D.: I'd like to take it a step further. Only a small-minded person would try to make himself look better by making another person look worse. People who brag about their sexual exploits are usually lying.

CONFIDENTIAL TO DEAREST MOM AND AUNT EPPIE: Happy birthday and love to the prettiest, wittiest "firecrackers" in the world. XXX -- JEANNE

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: "Mortified Daughter in Michigan" wrote that when there is a death in or outside her family, her mother always sends a card with cash in it to the grieving family. The daughter thought it was "tacky." Thank you for siding with the mother.

That girl should stop criticizing and rethink her stance. A little extra money could help with the larger phone bills that are generated when others are notified of the death. Money will be needed for stationery and postage for thank-you notes. Sometimes there are travel expenses if the deceased is buried elsewhere. Money might also be needed for hospital bills. -– SPEAKING FROM EXPERIENCE, ESCONDIDO, CALIF.

DEAR SPEAKING: Thank you for so astutely pointing that out. "Mortified Daughter's" letter generated a flurry of mail -- all of it illuminating. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: The president of an organization to which I belong lost her husband suddenly. When I attended the funeral, I gave her a card in which I had enclosed some cash. This woman appeared to be fairly prosperous. (I later learned that she made all of her own clothes.)

At the meeting of our organization following the funeral, she drew me aside and told me that her Social Security check had been withheld pending settlement of the death benefits. It would be a month before she would receive a check from Social Security for her benefits. She added that the funeral expenses had absorbed all the money she had. Without the money I had given her, she would not have been able to buy food. -– JOAN IN OXNARD, CALIF.

DEAR JOAN: That's shocking. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: When my husband died from a sudden heart attack, I don't know how I would have managed without the generous cash gifts I received. Our joint credit card account was canceled, and I had to redo the paperwork.

While "Mortified Daughter" may think giving money is tacky, I'm sure there are many bereaved families in my position. Believe me, we are grateful for monetary gifts to help us over the rough spots. -– WIDOW IN ROY, UTAH

DEAR WIDOW: I believe you. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Most people don't realize how long it actually takes for paperwork to be handled before death benefits are paid. Some insurance companies take up to eight weeks before they pay the beneficiaries. Try telling your mortgage company the check is in the mail for eight weeks.

No matter what financial situation you think the family is in, money is the most practical and useful gift. -– D.S. IN CRYSTAL LAKE, ILL.

DEAR D.S.: Well put. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: When my husband passed away suddenly, we were living on a fixed income and I was raising a grandchild we had adopted. We were in our late 70s. Had it not been for friends who gave money, I don't know how I would have paid the bills. Their kindness will always be remembered. Flowers are beautiful, but in a few days they are gone.

When someone I know passes away, I always tuck a little money in my sympathy card. It is my gift of love to them. It's not the amount I send, but the thought that counts. –- GRATEFUL IN TAMPA, FLA.

DEAR GRATEFUL: You're right. Any amount will do. If it puts fuel in the car, or pays for a meal, it's one less thing for the grieving family to worry about. Thanks to all the caring people who wrote to confirm this.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)