DEAR ABBY: I'm a 36-year-old "super mom." I'm active in PTA, shuttle our two daughters and their friends around town, play on a community softball team, go to a gym twice a week, and work Wednesdays in a small sports equipment store owned by my in-laws.

My older daughter, "Jenny" (a junior in high school), stopped by the store last Wednesday after school. A few minutes later a nervous-looking man entered. He asked me about some ski equipment, and then -- holding what he claimed was a gun in his pocket -- demanded money from the register.

Abby, if I had been there alone I would have walloped him and run for the door, but I didn't want to take any chances with my daughter there. I told him to take what he wanted and leave.

Well, that wasn't the end of it. He ordered us into the back room, told us to lie face down, bound our hands and feet with duct tape, gagged us and left. Despite heroic tugging and squirming, neither Jenny nor I could free ourselves. It was more than an hour before a customer came in, heard us moaning and found us trussed up in the back of the store.

Thinking back, I was more angry than scared during the time we lay bound. Mostly I was worried that Jenny would be traumatized for life. I felt completely helpless.

I could hardly believe what happened next. When we were freed, Jenny wasn't traumatized. She became furious -- at me! She literally screamed at me, "Why did you let him tie us up, Mom?" She apparently felt -- and still feels -- that we could have used kung fu on him or something.

Although I still think I did the right thing, I feel guilty that my daughter is disillusioned because her mother allowed someone to tie us up without a fight. I have gone from super mom to super schnook. Any ideas on how to win back my daughter's admiration? -- BOUND AND GAGGED, NEWTON, PA.

DEAR BOUND AND GAGGED: You acted appropriately. Real life is not a martial arts movie where heroines take risks and live beyond the closing credits. If you had tried to "wallop" the robber, one or both of you might not be alive today.

Don't be so quick to conclude that your daughter "wasn't traumatized." She is blaming you for what happened because she felt helpless and humiliated. Both of you could benefit from some short-term post-traumatic stress counseling so that what happened can be put in proper perspective.

DEAR ABBY: This may be a bit "racy" for your column, but consider it an alternative to your advice to "Furious in Adrian, Mich.," the 14-year-old whose ex-boyfriend wrongly claimed to have had sex with her.

Rather than forcing a potentially ugly confrontation, a more effective way to shut the guy up would be to follow an example related to me by a colleague from Italy:

A braggart once boasted to all who would listen that he'd had sex with the class beauty. When someone would mention it to her, she'd simply shrug it off by saying, "Yes, he tried -- but he was sooo small ..." -- NO BIG DEAL IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR N.B.D.: I'd like to take it a step further. Only a small-minded person would try to make himself look better by making another person look worse. People who brag about their sexual exploits are usually lying.

CONFIDENTIAL TO DEAREST MOM AND AUNT EPPIE: Happy birthday and love to the prettiest, wittiest "firecrackers" in the world. XXX -- JEANNE

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: "Mortified Daughter in Michigan" wrote that when there is a death in or outside her family, her mother always sends a card with cash in it to the grieving family. The daughter thought it was "tacky." Thank you for siding with the mother.

That girl should stop criticizing and rethink her stance. A little extra money could help with the larger phone bills that are generated when others are notified of the death. Money will be needed for stationery and postage for thank-you notes. Sometimes there are travel expenses if the deceased is buried elsewhere. Money might also be needed for hospital bills. -– SPEAKING FROM EXPERIENCE, ESCONDIDO, CALIF.

DEAR SPEAKING: Thank you for so astutely pointing that out. "Mortified Daughter's" letter generated a flurry of mail -- all of it illuminating. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: The president of an organization to which I belong lost her husband suddenly. When I attended the funeral, I gave her a card in which I had enclosed some cash. This woman appeared to be fairly prosperous. (I later learned that she made all of her own clothes.)

At the meeting of our organization following the funeral, she drew me aside and told me that her Social Security check had been withheld pending settlement of the death benefits. It would be a month before she would receive a check from Social Security for her benefits. She added that the funeral expenses had absorbed all the money she had. Without the money I had given her, she would not have been able to buy food. -– JOAN IN OXNARD, CALIF.

DEAR JOAN: That's shocking. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: When my husband died from a sudden heart attack, I don't know how I would have managed without the generous cash gifts I received. Our joint credit card account was canceled, and I had to redo the paperwork.

While "Mortified Daughter" may think giving money is tacky, I'm sure there are many bereaved families in my position. Believe me, we are grateful for monetary gifts to help us over the rough spots. -– WIDOW IN ROY, UTAH

DEAR WIDOW: I believe you. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Most people don't realize how long it actually takes for paperwork to be handled before death benefits are paid. Some insurance companies take up to eight weeks before they pay the beneficiaries. Try telling your mortgage company the check is in the mail for eight weeks.

No matter what financial situation you think the family is in, money is the most practical and useful gift. -– D.S. IN CRYSTAL LAKE, ILL.

DEAR D.S.: Well put. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: When my husband passed away suddenly, we were living on a fixed income and I was raising a grandchild we had adopted. We were in our late 70s. Had it not been for friends who gave money, I don't know how I would have paid the bills. Their kindness will always be remembered. Flowers are beautiful, but in a few days they are gone.

When someone I know passes away, I always tuck a little money in my sympathy card. It is my gift of love to them. It's not the amount I send, but the thought that counts. –- GRATEFUL IN TAMPA, FLA.

DEAR GRATEFUL: You're right. Any amount will do. If it puts fuel in the car, or pays for a meal, it's one less thing for the grieving family to worry about. Thanks to all the caring people who wrote to confirm this.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married four years. I love her very much, and we have a good marriage.

Years ago, I became fascinated with strip bars. I even dated a couple of strippers in the past. My problem is I can't seem to stay away from these strip clubs. I go once or twice a week. I find seeing the women –- all shapes, colors and sizes –- very relaxing, almost like taking a tranquilizer.

My wife is very straitlaced. She would probably leave me if she found out. I have thought about joining a group for men with sexual addiction at our church to help me overcome this problem, but I'm afraid if I start attending weekly meetings she'll find out.

I know I need help. I can't kick this on my own. --HOOKED IN PORTLAND

DEAR HOOKED: You have already taken an important step by admitting you have a problem with sexual addiction. Since you are concerned about issues of confidentiality if you join your church group, consider contacting Sexaholics Anonymous. The organization has chapters all across the United States –- and in 16 countries –- and its program is based on the AA 12-step model. The only requirement for membership is a desire "to stop lusting and become sexually sober." There are no dues, no fees, and it is not affiliated with any sect, denomination, organization or institution. People attend the meetings and learn to be open and honest about their addiction. Confidentiality is respected, and nobody comments about another member.

For more information about Sexaholics Anonymous, write: S.A., P.O. Box 111910, Nashville, TN 37222-1910 or call: 1-615-331-6230. The Web site is � HYPERLINK "http://www.sa.org" ��www.sa.org�, and the e-mail address is: saico@sa.org.

DEAR ABBY: My fiance won't marry me on July 18 because it's his former wife's birthday. He says he doesn't want to hurt her. We would be on a Hawaiian cruise, and the 18th is the day we will be in Waimanalo Bay for the wedding. I didn't pick the date on purpose. He says no, and also says I don't "get it."

Why is he so able to hurt me? -- HURT 2 THE CORE

DEAR HURT: He's able to hurt you because you refuse to accept the message he's sending. A man who is more concerned about his ex-wife's feelings than his fiancee's is not fully committed to marrying.

If the tickets are paid for, go on the cruise yourself and take a friend. Send him a postcard on the 18th. Tell him you finally "got it" and, for better or for worse, "Aloha!"

DEAR ABBY: In response to the question from "Getting Pesky Over Pollen" about how many times it's necessary to say "God bless you" after someone sneezes, I offer the following:

My son, Brian, was in high school math class. He sneezed, and the instructor said "Gesundheit" (health). When Brian sneezed several times more, the math teacher said, "Gesundheit squared." -- PATTI FAIRCHILD BARTEE

DEAR PATTI: Chalk one up for the teacher.

CONFIDENTIAL TO MOM AND DAD IN BEVERLY HILLS: Wishing you a happy, healthy 62nd anniversary. No daughter could wish for more devoted and loving role models for a successful union. –- JEANNE

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)