DEAR ABBY: Recently when I dropped by my sister "Judith's" home for a visit, I found my 13-year-old niece, "Libby," curled in a fetal position on the sofa. Her face was red and wet from tears. After half an hour of coaxing, she confided what caused her to be distraught.

Libby had confronted Judith that morning with suspicions that her mother was having an affair. Not only did Judith confirm her daughter's suspicions, she informed Libby that the affair had been going on for several years and was nowhere near finished. Then my sister swore Libby to silence. Libby said Judith was not only not sorry, but she was proud of what she was doing.

I held Libby for the next two hours while she poured out her sorrows. Then she asked me what she should do. Abby, I didn't know what to say. I've always lived by the "mind your own business" dictate, but I'm not so sure about it now.

I don't doubt Libby's story. I know of two other affairs my sister has had. What upsets me is Judith's lack of good sense. Tell me, what kind of mother proudly confirms her affair and then forces her 13-year-old daughter to keep the secret from her father? -- MY HEAD IS SPINNING

DEAR MY HEAD IS SPINNING: A very shortsighted, cruel and unrealistic one.

Stay close to your niece. She needs someone to talk to. Tell your sister you know about her affair. Suggest she and her husband go to marriage counseling -- or else you will have to tell him for the sake of your niece's emotional health. Whatever the outcome, this is an unfortunate and traumatic event in your niece's life. She will need counseling.

DEAR ABBY: This is for "No Name, No City, No Hope, No Life," who remained in an abusive marriage "for the sake of the children." She said she'd leave when the children were grown, but now her husband has health problems and she has responsibilities.

Abby, this woman is only middle-aged. I was 72 when I left a miserable 45-year marriage. My message to her:

You say you have "responsibilities." What responsibilities? To him? Get out! Don't look back! I love being free! Abby is right. It is never too late until you are dead. I love living alone. -- FREE AT LAST IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR FREE AT LAST: Bless you for writing. Your letter may be just the push that others need to reclaim their lives and self-respect.

DEAR ABBY: I am wildly in love with a wonderful man. We have been seeing each other for two years. There is only one problem: He has one long, bushy eyebrow that grows above both eyes. It's very unattractive. I have tried dropping hints about how quick and easy waxing and plucking can be. It does no good.

What can I do, short of attacking him with a tweezer while he's asleep? -- SPLITTING HAIRS, SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR SPLITTING: Stop hinting and tell him that many hairy, masculine men have their eyebrows shaped. Also, consider presenting him a gift certificate for a day at a spa for a hair cut, manicure, massage and facial. If you do, he'll be so "mellowed out" he won't protest the wax job.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Our daughter, "Kristen," is almost 17. She's always been a good kid -- keeps her grades up and makes the honor roll regularly. She's never been a problem.

What worries me is Kristen's choice of boyfriends. I know parents are not supposed to like the boys their daughters date, but it's worse than that. The guy she is going with is so far below the standards her dad and I have set for her, it terrifies me.

This boy is only 16, but has dropped out of school and comes from a family that has nothing, including pride. Their house is filthy and falling apart. Frankly, I am embarrassed their name is associated with ours in this small town.

How can we get our daughter to understand she is playing with fire by associating with this guy? Should I forbid her to see him, or would that backfire? Don't tell me to have a heart-to-heart talk with her, Abby; she knows all too well how I feel. -- SCARED FOR OUR GIRL

DEAR SCARED: Don't judge the boy by his family. Unless he's into drugs, alcohol or violence, do not "forbid" your daughter to see him. It will only make him more attractive if he's off limits.

A more effective way to handle this might be to take an interest in the young man. Include him in family activities, and let him learn about your lifestyle and standards. Encourage him to go back to school. Your example could show him the advantage of completing his education. In fact, your family could be the best thing that ever happened to him.

DEAR ABBY: Your response to "Frightened Mom in Arizona" is sure to generate a huge response. My mouth literally dropped open upon reading what happened to her little boy at the day-care center.

Your response regarding reporting the incident to the police immediately was right on. However, adding that you have received letters from day-care providers complaining that parents pick up their children late was a big NO-NO.

Parents are frequently caught in traffic, bad weather, late meetings, etc. In these instances, parents should call the day-care center or provider and notify them he/she is running late and is en route, or if necessary, should arrange for someone else to pick up the child, if possible. We don't know the reason why "Mom" was late, but you almost made it sound as though if the parent was late, it was her fault if something happened to the child.

A responsible day-care supervisor would never let an employee's boyfriend or girlfriend supervise a child. Which brings me to my next point: Children should be informed that no one is to touch or look at their "private parts" ever in a day-care or baby-sitting setting. Parents need to let children know what is permissible and what is not.

My heart goes out to "Frightened Mom," and I will pray for her son. -- MOM IN SAGAMORE HILLS, OHIO

DEAR MOM: I received a stack of mail from readers who were offended that I wrote, "Let this be a warning." They felt I was blaming the mother for her son's possible abuse.

Perhaps I should have been more clear: It was intended as a warning to parents to have an emergency plan in place in case they are detained, so they know who will be responsible for their child until they arrive. Also, it is mandatory that the day-care center be licensed and that all personnel have passed background checks.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

Abby shares her favorite recipes in a two-booklet set. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $7.90 per set ($9 per set in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: In 1941, when the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor, I was a 17-year-old seaman on a destroyer in the North Atlantic. There were several other teen-agers on board. We all smoked, as did the rest of the crew. Cigarettes were 6 cents a pack. At that price, the saying was, we couldn't afford NOT to smoke.

We happily discussed the merits of Lucky Strikes, Camels and Chesterfields. Old Golds and Pall Malls were not as popular; Kools were for sissies. None of us realized that all the brands we smoked contained the same poisonous, addictive substances. People who didn't smoke were considered odd. If they didn't like to be around smokers, THEY were the ones with the problem.

It wasn't until years later that I realized the purpose of selling cigarettes so cheaply to servicemen was to get our generation hooked for the profit of tobacco companies. My addiction lasted until after I was married and had small children. Fortunately, I realized in time that if I was going to live to see them grow up, I was going to have to kick the habit -- and by the grace of God I was able to.

Why am I writing this? Because two of my grandsons have succumbed to the slick advertising and lies of the tobacco companies in spite of warnings from those who love them most. I pray they'll realize the self-destructiveness of the habit before they're as old as I was when I knew I had to quit in order to live.

Keep up the good work, Abby, and God bless. -- LEON J. SIMS, DORAVILLE, GA.

DEAR LEON: If your grandsons refuse to listen to you, perhaps they can learn from the letter that follows. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I have asked my wife, Martha, to send this to you immediately upon my death. I want teen-agers to know I died from a self-inflicted disease -- smoking.

Back in the 1940s, a majority of Americans smoked. It was the ADULT thing to do. I "knew" I wouldn't get hooked. We knew smoking wasn't good for us, but we were willing to take our chances. We called cigarettes "coffin nails" and laughed as we lit up.

Years later, I was diagnosed with emphysema. My heart was weakened because it had enlarged, trying to pump blood into lungs that could no longer expand. I had to stop smoking or die an early death from a heart attack, stroke, cancer or slow suffocation. "No sweat," I thought. "I can quit anytime." How wrong I was.

I spent more than $1,000 on smoking-cessation programs. I tried acupuncture, hypnosis, gum, patches, pills and cold turkey. Nothing worked. I was addicted, dying and couldn't quit.

You say you want "freedom"? How free are you when you want to go dancing or hiking but can't because your nose is hooked to plastic tubing attached to an oxygen tank 24 hours a day, just so you can breathe?

I could have had 20 more years of active, healthy, productive life. I could have bought a new car with the thousands I spent on cigarettes, doctors and oxygen equipment. I could have had more happy years with my loving wife. I chose to smoke instead.

Abby, I wish I had listened to my dad. He once told me, "Graveyards are filled with people who said, 'It won't happen to me.'" -- BERT HUDSON, SAND COULEE, MONT.

DEAR READERS: Bert Hudson died on March 11. My deepest sympathy goes out to his widow, Martha, as well as my thanks for forwarding her husband's letter. I'm honored to print it. I pray it has an impact. The American Cancer Society estimates that in 2001, 172,000 cancer deaths will be attributable to tobacco use.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)