DEAR ABBY: I am a 45-year-old divorced mother of three.

"Jeff," the man I am seeing, is kind, patient, understanding

and generous. He is a gentleman. There isn't anything I want

or wish for that he does not get for me. Jeff sends me

flowers several times a month. He loves my children dearly. I

could not ask for a more perfect man.

The problem is: HE'S STILL MARRIED. Jeff and his wife

have been separated for 10 years. He refuses to see a lawyer,

even for consultation, because he says he can't afford a

divorce. He's convinced his wife will take "everything." How

can he be certain if he doesn't talk to someone?

I love Jeff with all my heart, but quite frankly, I am

tired of waiting. I want to be his wife. I know Jeff loves me

with all his heart, mind, body and soul -- but maybe not

enough to get married.

Abby, how much longer do I wait? -- EVERYTHING EXCEPT

THE RING

DEAR EVERYTHING: The gentleman you are seeing may love

you with his heart, mind, body and soul -- but he loves his

current economic status more.

Ask yourself: Can I live like this indefinitely, or

should I push for a commitment with the risk of "losing" him?

Only YOU can answer that.

DEAR ABBY: I work in an office where people often bring

food: doughnuts, casseroles, birthday cake, etc., for special

events. On these occasions, "Cora" will fill an extra plate

with food and say, "I'm taking this home for 'Susie'" (her 5-

year-old daughter).

I wouldn't mind if Cora couldn't afford to feed Susie.

But that isn't the case. Cora owns her own home, has a nice

car, and frequents restaurants several times a week.

I think Cora is rude. I often want to say to her, "I

didn't know Susie worked here," hoping it will stop her from

pilfering our food for her child. Can you think of anything

we can say to her to get the point across that what she is

doing is wrong? -- NO FREE LUNCH IN OHIO

DEAR NO FREE LUNCH: Oh, come on! How much can a 5-year-

old consume? I'm sure it makes the child happy to feel

remembered. In the interest of office morale, refrain from

criticizing and being so possessive about the leftovers.

DEAR ABBY: I write this as a warning to older people

about lending their credit cards to a new friend or neighbor.

Normally, it's done because the older person can't pick up

his or her own prescription or run an errand, so he or she

gives a credit card to the new acquaintance.

My friend's mother gave her credit card to a woman who,

in one afternoon, ran up more than $10,000 in charges and

then took off. The police can do nothing about it because the

"kind person" had written permission to use the card. The

poor trusting victim had to declare bankruptcy because she

could not pay off the debt on her small pension.

Abby, please warn your readers never to blindly trust a

person they do not know well. -- WANTS TO HELP IN HEMET,

CALIF.

DEAR WANTS TO HELP: What a horror story! The lesson here

is that people who blindly trust get robbed blind. A safer

way to handle such a situation would be for the credit card

owner to call the pharmacy (or store) and give the card

number when the item is being picked up.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter

Jeanne Phillips.

Abby shares her favorite recipes in a two-booklet set.

To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope,

plus check or money order for $7.90 per set ($9 per set in

Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount

Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 45-year-old divorced mother of three. "Jeff," the man I am seeing, is kind, patient, understanding and generous. He is a gentleman. There isn't anything I want or wish for that he does not get for me. Jeff sends me flowers several times a month. He loves my children dearly. I could not ask for a more perfect man.

The problem is: HE'S STILL MARRIED. Jeff and his wife have been separated for 10 years. He refuses to see a lawyer, even for consultation, because he says he can't afford a divorce. He's convinced his wife will take "everything." How can he be certain if he doesn't talk to someone?

I love Jeff with all my heart, but quite frankly, I am tired of waiting. I want to be his wife. I know Jeff loves me with all his heart, mind, body and soul -- but maybe not enough to get married.

Abby, how much longer do I wait? -- EVERYTHING EXCEPT THE RING

DEAR EVERYTHING: The gentleman you are seeing may love you with his heart, mind, body and soul -- but he loves his current economic status more.

Ask yourself: Can I live like this indefinitely, or should I push for a commitment with the risk of "losing" him? Only YOU can answer that.

DEAR ABBY: I work in an office where people often bring food: doughnuts, casseroles, birthday cake, etc., for special events. On these occasions, "Cora" will fill an extra plate with food and say, "I'm taking this home for 'Susie'" (her 5-year-old daughter).

I wouldn't mind if Cora couldn't afford to feed Susie. But that isn't the case. Cora owns her own home, has a nice car, and frequents restaurants several times a week.

I think Cora is rude. I often want to say to her, "I didn't know Susie worked here," hoping it will stop her from pilfering our food for her child. Can you think of anything we can say to her to get the point across that what she is doing is wrong? -- NO FREE LUNCH IN OHIO

DEAR NO FREE LUNCH: Oh, come on! How much can a 5-year-old consume? I'm sure it makes the child happy to feel remembered. In the interest of office morale, refrain from criticizing and being so possessive about the leftovers.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

Abby shares her favorite recipes in a two-booklet set. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $7.90 per set ($9 per set in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

Abby shares her favorite recipes in a two-booklet set. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $7.90 per set ($9 per set in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: The letter about a loved one's ashes touched me personally. Please accept one more letter on the subject.

Our 39-year-old son died a few years ago. Most of his ashes are buried in a veterans cemetery near his father.

My daughter wanted some of his ashes, and I have a little container of them on my shelf, along with a ceramic guardian angel.

We returned to our home state and, like the other mom, I scattered a few of his ashes on his beloved grandmother's grave. Then we went to the river where he loved to fish as a youngster, and I dropped some of the ashes along the river's edge. Abby, I'll never forget how they sparkled like diamonds as they settled to the bottom. We were amazed at the sight.

I was a bit conflicted about dividing the ashes, but after reading your columns and seeing those "diamonds" from my son, I knew it was OK. Thanks for letting me express my thoughts. -- HIS MOM IN LAS VEGAS

DEAR MOM: You're welcome. I have received some terrific letters on the subject. If other grieving families can gain comfort from your letter, it was worth the space in my column. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Driving was my father's greatest joy and source of pride. He founded, chaired and belonged to several local sports car clubs.

His wish upon his death was to donate every usable organ, including his brain, to Parkinson's disease research, then to be cremated.

His sister (my aunt) asked to bury his ashes on their parents' gravesite. Although I knew this would not be his preference, I agreed in order to bring her some comfort. But first, I spread a few of his ashes near every exotic and sports car dealership -- Ferrari, Mercedes-Benz, Alfa-Romeo, etc. -- in our area. I also keep a small vial of his ashes in my glove compartment. I'm nowhere near the driver he was, but at least he's still spending a fair amount of time on the road. -- HUB WHEELMAN'S DAUGHTER

DEAR DAUGHTER: From your description of your father, he was also a driving force while he was alive. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: When my beloved wife died at a young age, I couldn't bring myself to have her placed in a box and dropped in a hole. We were truly free spirits. Our love developed while sky-diving. We were married in a hot-air balloon. She went on to receive her own pilot's license to fly balloons, and then broke a world's record.

Less than a year later, she died -- not from parachuting or ballooning, but from cancer.

I had her cremated and watched the process, for it was best for closure. Her ashes were divided in two -- one half released in front of our home off Marina Del Rey. The other half was released from her balloon in the high desert where she broke the record. Whenever I see the desert or the ocean, I see her, and she is smiling. -- GEORGE E., CARMEL BY THE SEA

DEAR GEORGE E.: I'm sure she's smiling because you did exactly what she wanted. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: When I read the letter about the widower who wore his wife's ashes in a vial around his neck while making love to his subsequent ladyfriend, my response was, "I wish I could be married to a man that devoted to me."

My female co-worker's response: "At that age, she should be glad she's getting sex. She should IGNORE the vial!" -- DEVOTED READER, ALTOONA, PA.

DEAR DEVOTED: Funn-ee! How little your co-worker knows about mature women -- I wonder if she'll still feel that way when she's a little older.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)