DEAR ABBY: This is in response to "Lee in Walnut Creek, Calif.," whose husband was on 11 different medications and experienced either drug interactions and/or dosage problems that led to increasing disability.

My immediate reaction to that letter was WHERE WAS HIS PHARMACIST? Could it be that the family used several pharmacies and were never asked for a complete medication list? However, someone should have asked. Pharmacists are required by state and federal regulations to counsel patients on all new prescriptions. Being aware that a patient is taking multiple prescriptions should have sent red flags up in the mind of any pharmacist taking care of that man.

I have been a practicing pharmacist for 30 years. Any time a patient takes more than eight different medications a day, I start asking questions. Often I find that some of the medications are being used to treat side effects of other medications! Then the appropriate solution is to find an alternative medication with fewer side effects.

Poly-pharmacy (the use of multiple medications for one patient) can be very dangerous. Unfortunately, many pharmacists may be hard-pressed to find the time to counsel adequately. Also, some doctors view us as police and resent our intrusion into their field of expertise.

I know doctors who listen and doctors who don't. However, those who always listen are the patients or caregivers, because they are the most affected. So I educate the patient and send him or her back to the doctor with alternatives and the tools necessary to adequately communicate their concerns. It's the biggest part of my job, and the one I don't get paid for.

To answer Lee's question about what happens to patients who have no reliable caregiver to look out for them: They enter nursing homes, or -- if the statistics can be believed -- they die. It is estimated that more than 100,000 persons in the United States die every year because of poly-pharmacy.

How do we protect the people we care about? Ask questions! Ask the doctor, the nurse and the pharmacist. Make a list of all prescribed and over-the-counter medications the patient is taking. Know what each medicine is for and what it will do. When given a new prescription, ask what current medication it replaces.

Abby, health care will not change unless we force it to. As patients we should all expect the best from each member of the team who helps us stay well. I hope your readers will make good use of this information. -- MARTHA G. MOSHER, R.PH., SENECA CASTLE, N.Y.

DEAR MARTHA: You have written an important letter. I hope it will persuade patients and caregivers to discuss their medications -- and possible drug interactions -- with their physicians and pharmacists. One can never be too careful. If someone is having prescriptions filled at several pharmacies, serious consideration should be given to ending that practice.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: When we learned our baby was going to be a boy, my wife and I settled on a name we both loved.

My mother-in-law has been gravely ill with Alzheimer's disease for several years, but she is now terminal. So my wife is facing the loss of her mother at almost the same time as the birth of our son. My wife asked what I thought about changing our son's name so the first letter of his name will be the same as her mother's. She told me it is customary to use the first letter from the name of a deceased relative when choosing a name for a child.

Common sense tells me I have no choice in this matter, but I don't want to change the name we have already chosen. Part of the bonding between me and my son has been talking to him in the womb. I fear the bond may be damaged if I have to name him something else.

What should I do? -- DISAPPOINTED FIRST-TIME DAD

DEAR DAD: Satisfy both your needs by giving your son a first name that begins with the first letter of your mother-in-law's name, but call him by his second name -- the one you and your wife chose in the first place. It happens all the time.

DEAR ABBY: I had to write when I read the letter from "Been Down That Road, St. George, Utah." She said that for years she and her children had laughed about the fact that being a step-grandchild brings with it the consequences of receiving fewer gifts and less recognition.

Exactly the opposite is true in my family. My mother-in-law, Cherylene, has gone to great lengths to include my daughters from my first marriage in everything. When my husband and I had two sons together, nothing changed.

I recall the time while shopping when Cherylene impulsively picked up a gift for the boys. She then spent time looking for something for the girls. When I told her it wasn't mandatory -- that the girls would understand, and that they needed to know life wasn't always fair -- she replied: "You're right. They do need to learn that lesson. But they're not going to learn it from me!"

The attitude in our family toward step-grandchildren has been one of acceptance and love. How sad that anyone thinks it must be any different. -- ELIZABETH IN PHOENIX

DEAR ELIZABETH: I agree. Acceptance and love usually beget more of the same. Children raised in an accepting, inclusive environment feel good about themselves and others. A child cannot pick its parents, and to discriminate on that basis is unfair to the child.

DEAR ABBY: My 16-year-old daughter has invited a young man to escort her to an upcoming formal dance. Who should pay for the tickets? If they go out to eat before or after the dance, who should pay for their meals?

If a young man invited my daughter to a dance, I would expect him to purchase the ticket and pay for her meal. But since the invitation came from my daughter, who foots the bill? -- NEW ORLEANS MOM

DEAR MOM: Since your daughter invited the young man to the dance, she is responsible for buying the tickets and paying for the meal. It would be nice if the young man offered to pay for his ticket, but if he doesn't, your daughter should ante up.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am shocked and outraged by your reply to "Married to an Overprotector," whose second husband insisted her 15-year-old daughter give him "all the personal details" of the dates she had with boys -- whether they held hands, kissed, etc.

My two stepdaughters are now 20 and 21. I, too, was probably "overprotective" during their teens. Yes, men tend to remember how we acted with girls when we were teen-agers -- when our bodies overflowed with testosterone and not enough common sense. That's one reason we are overprotective now. But you are wrong to imply that it is motivated by jealousy and sexual fantasy.

Perhaps, like me, the man just loves the girl as his own and fears that mistakes she might make during her formative years could affect her future. You owe him and all of us "overprotective" stepdads an apology. -- A CARING STEPDAD IN COLORADO

DEAR CARING: I certainly do not believe that all protective stepfathers have sexual fantasies about their stepdaughters. However, in this case, the stepfather's interrogation was excessive -- and many readers agreed with me. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: You'll get many letters telling you that you were wrong in your comments about the "overprotective" stepfather. But stick to your guns, Abby.

The woman who wrote that letter could have been describing my ex-husband. He regarded every young man who showed interest in our adopted daughter as though he was a pervert. It made the young men so uncomfortable they would no longer come to our home. They would ask our daughter to meet them at a friend's house. Talking to my husband got me nowhere.

Once I asked him to talk to her about the "lines" boys use to convince a girl to have sex. He claimed never to have used any. I asked him in front of our daughter, and it made him uncomfortable.

You must have guessed by now -- he was sexually abusing her. I never suspected it. Our daughter did not divulge what happened to her until she was grown. She thought I had known about it all along and tolerated it.

We were estranged for years and only recently have begun to talk. -- ANONYMOUS MOM IN VIRGINIA

DEAR ANONYMOUS: I'm pleased that the lines of communication between you and your daughter are being mended. I hope her stepfather is being prosecuted to the full extent of the law. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I, too, was a stepdaughter. My father died before I was born. My stepfather, like "Overprotector," was overly concerned about any boy I dated. He opened and read my letters and insisted on knowing every detail of my dates. He would ask how I felt when kissed, and did I like it. He became angry if I had a date and didn't share all the details with him.

It wasn't long before he was exposing himself to me and touching me in inappropriate places. I was also 15. It continued for three years. My mother did not believe me when I told her what he was doing. I left home at 18. -- STILL HURTING IN KNOXVILLE, TENN.

DEAR STILL HURTING: You were betrayed by two adults who were supposed to protect you. If you haven't received counseling to lessen your pain, I urge you to do so. Your doctor can refer you to a qualified therapist.

There are self-help groups for survivors of abuse and incest: Incest Survivors Anonymous, P.O. Box 17245, Long Beach, CA 90807-7245; and, Survivors of Incest Anonymous Inc., P.O. Box 190, Benson, MD 21018-9998. The Web address is www.siawso.org.

P.S. If you write for information, please enclose a long, self-addressed, stamped envelope (68 cents) for the reply. Survivors of Incest Anonymous requests a $2 donation to cover cost of materials.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)