DEAR ABBY: My father passed away five years ago. In May, my parents would have been married for 50 years.

My problem is that my mother wants to have a 50th wedding anniversary party in a hall and intends to invite 200 people to the event. She wants to have a head table with her surviving bridesmaids, best man and groomsmen, and she will even have a place setting for my father with his picture on the table, as if he were still here!

Mom has also requested a family photo with all six of us kids and our spouses and children -- which totals 26 people. She wants to be seated on a chair with a large photo of my deceased father beside her, and all of us gathered around her.

I absolutely refuse to participate in any of this, as do my brothers and sisters. We have expressed our feelings to her, but she says she doesn't care and will throw the party herself.

Her friends have phoned me and asked me to talk her out of this, as they also do not want her to make a fool of herself. They expressed that it would be impossible to act as if it were a happy event without my father present.

Abby, Dad died from cancer. It was a slow, hard death. However, my mother will not let his memory rest in peace. Should we let her have her party and grin and bear it, or should we try to convince her how deeply it bothers all of us? -- CONFUSED IN ALBERTA, CANADA

DEAR CONFUSED: What a sad situation. Take one last stab at trying to convince your mother that a small family gathering would be more appropriate than a large celebration. If she refuses to budge, she is either in a stage of dementia, or she hasn't properly dealt with the death of your father. She should be evaluated medically and psychologically at the time of her annual physical exam, if not sooner.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 42-year-old man with three wonderful children. They are all grown and in their 20s. (Yes, we had them young.) I have been married for 23 years and things have been good between my wife and me.

About a year ago, my wife -- who is an accountant -- decided she wanted to try real estate. She took a class, got her license, and now sells real estate part time. She's doing so well at it that she plans on quitting her accounting job soon and concentrating on real estate full time.

My problem is I have been having empty nest syndrome, and now my wife is working every weekend. On week nights, I sit and watch TV by myself while she works away on her computer. On the weekends I try to keep busy doing jobs around the house and cleaning, but I'm bored, lonely and depressed. I have mentioned this to my wife; she says I should find a hobby.

Abby, I don't want a hobby. I want to be with my wife. She absolutely loves her new job and talks about it constantly. I don't want to ask her to quit her job, because she would resent me for it. (And no, I don't want to sell real estate with her.) Any suggestions? -- MISERABLE IN MICHIGAN

DEAR MISERABLE: For the sake of your marriage there has to be a compromise. One or both of you must adjust your work schedule to accommodate the other.

P.S. Your wife is correct that you need something to keep you occupied while she's working. You would be far less lonely if you filled those hours with volunteer work. Nothing banishes loneliness like feeling needed.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I just finished reading the letter from "Desperate Mother in N.C.," who wanted to terminate the rights of her son's emotionally distant father, including stopping his support payments. My daughter's father also wanted nothing to do with her, and regarded her as a financial burden.

A few years ago, I was scheduled to have surgery and decided it was time I made a will. I was shocked when the attorney told me that no matter what I stated in my will, my daughter's father would have full custody of her if something happened to me. He could even put her up for adoption!

At my request, the attorney helped me to terminate her father's paternal rights. I thought it was sad that in the courtroom, her father asked, "Does this mean I don't have to pay child support?" The judge answered, "Yes." He said, "Then let's get this over with!" and hastily signed the papers. We never saw him again.

Please, "Desperate," do NOT base your child's future on how much money you might lose or gain. I could have used the financial support, but sometimes there are more important things than money. Children are gifts from God, and if you work hard and believe in yourself and God, you'll be guided down the right path. -- DOING FINE IN KANSAS

DEAR DOING FINE: I took a scolding from fathers' rights advocates and single mothers for encouraging "Desperate" to go forward with her decision. However, in instances where the father hasn't bonded with the child and is relieved to be off the hook, and raising the child doesn't create an undue financial burden for the mother, I think it's best for everyone if he's out of the picture. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I did the same thing "Desperate" did 25 years ago. I raised my two children alone until I remarried and my new husband adopted them. There were no problems for 17 years. Then, my ex-husband contacted my 17-year-old son and wanted back in his life big time.

My point: The children did without my ex-husband's support money that was rightfully theirs. Like a bad penny, he turned up and laughed that he had "outsmarted" me.

My advice to "Desperate Mother" is take the support money and put it in the bank for your son's education. -- BEEN THERE IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR BEEN THERE: Having not been in your situation, I can't argue with you. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: A judge sets child support based on the parent's ability to pay and the child's needs. The child has a RIGHT to be supported by the parent(s). The mother can't waive the child's support, or rights, or needs.

Abby, your answer was neutral, but the above language sets out the important formula. -- MERRILL STEEB, CIRCUIT JUDGE, ST. JOSEPH, MO.

DEAR JUDGE STEEB: Thank you for your legal expertise. Single mothers, take note. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: So what if "Desperate" doesn't want the father to be part of her son's life? The money he sends is for the kid -- not her! If she doesn't need it, she should tuck it away in a savings plan for her son's education. When the boy gets older, he may want special sports equipment or a musical instrument. Whether "Desperate" likes it or not, this man is the child's natural father. The money she receives will show her son that his father cared for him in his way. -- A GRANDMA IN ARIZONA

DEAR GRANDMA: In his way? Children are not stupid. They know that a parent who cares about them takes time to be with them, and that a loving, responsible parent will give more than a child support payment.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Last summer, my husband and I visited a zoo. In the petting area, we saw a group of young children on a field trip. The teachers had made name tags out of construction paper and hung them around the children's necks. I remarked to my husband that the identification tags were not a good idea.

As he approached the teachers to express my concerns, I heard a "gasping" noise behind me. I turned and saw a goat chewing the cord that had twisted around a small boy's neck. The name tag was already eaten, and the goat was working its way up the cotton string. I frantically pried enough of the string out of the animal's mouth to free the strangling child.

By then, another goat was jerking a little girl around by the string on her name tag. My husband rescued her.

Abby, it's unwise to hang anything around a child's neck, especially when the child will encounter animals that may be attracted to dangling objects. Also, some animals routinely eat plant products. Cotton of any kind, paper and jute -- which are made from plants -- are considered "food" by goats.

Those unwitting teachers were sending the children into the animal pen dressed like a salad bar! I know they didn't realize the danger, but they should consider it in the future.

Thanks for helping me caution parents and teachers who take children to petting zoos. -- COUNTRY GAL FROM SACRAMENTO

DEAR COUNTRY GAL: You're welcome. And now I'll add a thought of my own. A small child wearing a tag that reveals his or her name on an outing is all the more vulnerable to being approached by a stranger. All the person has to say is, "Hi, Suzie. I'm a friend of your mommy's." I think they're a bad idea entirely.

DEAR ABBY: My niece married a few months ago. A month before her wedding, I gave her a wedding gift of eight Waterford goblets in her pattern. Because I had purchased them somewhere other than where she was registered, I asked her twice if they were what she wanted. She assured me that they were "perfect." I also gave her a gift of cash. Several weeks after the wedding, she sent me a gracious thank-you note.

She recently informed me that the goblets I had given her were shorter than she wanted. She told me the store where she had registered would take them back and give her credit toward taller goblets for half the price I had paid. Then she asked me to pay the difference.

Abby, I love her dearly. I do not want to upset our relationship. But I am hurt that she thinks the gift she assured me was perfect is no longer good enough for her. I could pay the difference to save face, but I would be unhappy with myself for allowing myself to be manipulated. Is it proper etiquette for her to ask me to come up with the difference for a more expensive set of goblets than those I gave her? -- EAST COAST AUNT

DEAR EAST COAST AUNT: Your niece's greed is as crystal clear as the goblets you gave her. Stand your ground and refuse her attempt to flatten your pocketbook. Assure her that you love her and value your relationship, but breaking the bank for her to have taller goblets isn't in the cards. The responsibility of exchanging the goblets should be hers and hers alone.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

Abby shares her favorite recipes in a two-booklet set. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $7.90 per set ($9 per set in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)