DEAR ABBY: I'm a 34-year-old mother of four kids, ages 17 to 6. My 9-year-old boy has been raised by my mother since he was 6 months old. I was in the middle of a divorce when he was born. I wanted to give him up for adoption, but Mother would not have it. I usually never let my mother make decisions for me, but in that case, I thought she might be right. My dad, mother and older sister took the baby and moved away.

Three years ago, they all moved back into the subdivision in which I live with my second husband and three other kids. Dad died four months later. My sister (age 50) died the following year. Now my 76-year-old mother -- who does not drive -- depends on my two older brothers and me to get around.

My brothers won't allow Mother to move in with them unless she gives my son back to me, because their children are grown and gone. She said, "Over my dead body." Now she is asking my husband and me to sell our home so we can buy a bigger one with her.

Abby, I'm not sure I can handle my mother living with us, constantly checking on me and my every move. My husband and I like to have time alone. We can't afford to do much, so we let the kids stay overnight with friends so we can have the house to ourselves. Mother told me it's wrong to have sex in the middle of the day, and that I should spend all my waking hours with the kids until they're grown. Only then will I have time alone with my husband. I told her that may have been good for her, but it's not for me.

What do you think? -- TRYING TO DO THE RIGHT THING

DEAR TRYING: While I understand your mother's firm stance in not "giving back" her grandchild, what she is proposing is a recipe for disaster. Do NOT buy a home with her unless it is a duplex or one that includes a separate mother-in-law unit. Privacy is essential to your marriage, and your mother's ideas, while they may have worked for her, are outdated.

DEAR ABBY: After reading the letter from "Hurting in New York," I feel compelled to share my story. Her son's wife had died, but "Hurting" didn't attend the calling hours at the mortuary because there had been a falling-out after the family business split up.

Several years ago, my husband and his father also parted ways in business. He spoke to his father only if absolutely necessary. I didn't talk to anybody. A few years later, our son was killed in an accident, and my mother-in-law was one of the first people at our door. She wrapped her arms around me, and we cried together. Many years before, she had lost a son, too, and I knew she understood my pain more than anyone. Our relationship isn't perfect now, but it's much better than it was.

I know "Hurting" was trying to do the right thing in a difficult situation, but times of grief often give us the opportunity to say, "I'm sorry," in more ways than one. -- HEALING IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR HEALING: Your argument is a compelling one, and you may very well be right. However, I caution people who are trying to bridge a family rift during an emotionally charged situation to be prepared for at least the possibility of another rejection.

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DEAR ABBY: "Stan" and I have been married 45 years. He was always a loving and attentive husband. Two years ago, things began to change.

I had a best friend I'll call Clara who was like a sister to me. Stan, Clara and her husband and I would often go to dinner. We were a close foursome. Unfortunately, Clara's husband was diagnosed with advanced cancer. He had to be hospitalized many times. Clara and I would walk together in the mornings before she went to the hospital. It seemed to help her face the day. Stan asked to join us, and the three of us would walk and go to breakfast, sometimes at her house.

As time went on, Clara opened up to Stan, and he would tell her things to make her feel good about herself. Well, one thing led to another. They would communicate on the computer day and night, sharing their feelings.

Abby, they fell in love.

Clara's husband passed away a few months ago. Now Stan says he has two women to worry about. Clara has told people at work that Stan is her boyfriend. He has told her she is his girlfriend, and if she ever found someone else "it would break his heart."

He takes her to lunch and they often spend the day together. He says all they do is talk, but he finally admitted they hug and kiss each other.

I have begged Stan to end the situation. He refuses. He says it's going to be like this from now on. He tells me he loves both of us and can't give either one of us up.

He blames me and says I should have told him to stop before it got out of hand. He says it's the first time in our entire married life that he has fallen in love with another woman. He feels no guilt because he says nothing sexual is going on.

My stomach is in a constant knot, and I cry all the time. They both know how hurt I am and say they feel bad about it, but it hasn't stopped them from being together. Please advise me about what to do. -- DEVASTATED IN DELAWARE

DEAR DEVASTATED: Whether anything sexual is going on between your husband and Clara is almost beside the point. What IS going on is a full-blown affair of the heart, and because of it your marriage will never be the same. The two people closest to you have betrayed your trust. Particularly outrageous is your husband's insistence that this is your fault because you should have told him to stop sooner. Talk about blaming the victim!

Consult an attorney to determine what your rights are as a wronged Delaware wife with 45 years of equity in her marriage. Then ask your doctor to refer you to a therapist who can give you the emotional support you need as you decide how to deal with this. Insist your husband join you. If you have adult children, talk to them about what is going on. Do not isolate yourself. You have a right to be angry. Decide nothing in haste. Give yourself one year to decide what is best for you.

DEAR ABBY: Is it proper to send a thank-you note to an attorney and a county prosecutor for working out a deal that had charges against you dismissed? Please help. -- NEEDS TO KNOW ASAP, GRENADA, MISS.

DEAR NEEDS TO KNOW ASAP: Absolutely! One good turn deserves another.

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DEAR ABBY: I read your column daily and have found the questions concerning when to talk to children about sex very interesting.

I feel it's up to the children to bring up the subject first. If you have made them comfortable talking to you, they will expect their questions to be answered honestly.

I was working in the kitchen one day when my daughter, age 8, broadsided me with, "Mommy, how old do I have to be before I can have sex?"

I took a deep breath and told her not until she found a man she really loved and wanted to be her baby's daddy, because when you have sex you could get pregnant and have a baby.

She responded matter-of-factly, "You could always use the pill." I told her there were other ways, and she said, "You could just say no." I praised her and thought the exchange was over when she asked if, when her daddy and I were dating, did I ever tell him no? Here I copped out and told her that was something she needed to ask her daddy.

My husband was outside and unaware of what was taking place in the kitchen, so he was unprepared when his 8-year-old daughter approached him and pointedly asked if, when he was dating Mommy, did she ever say no to having sex? He and I are on the same page when it comes to parenting. Without hesitating he answered, "Yes, repeatedly." She said OK and walked away, discussion over.

My daughter did wait for the man she truly loved to come along. They now have two beautiful sons.

I'm relating this story so that young parents will know the importance of listening to their children and answering their questions honestly. This holds true throughout their lives. You may not always like what you hear, but if you have always been willing to listen, they will continue to talk to you. -- HAPPY GRANNY IN WALDO, FLA.

DEAR HAPPY GRANNY: Thanks for a letter that's sure to promote discussion among people of all ages. It addresses the importance of responding to children's questions in an age-appropriate way. It reminds me of a story I heard years ago: A young mother was asked by her 7-year-old son, "Mommy, where did I come from?"

The mother had prepared herself well in advance for that question and was ready with the answers, in all their anatomical detail. When she finished her lecture, her son replied, "Oh. My friend Jimmy said he came from St. Louis."

DEAR ABBY: I am a 79-year-old grandmother of 17 and great-grandmother of eight. I am writing about the grandma letters you printed in your column. I was shocked at how some of them talk about their "terrible" grandchildren. I love all my grandchildren and great-grandchildren.

They come with their pink and blue suitcases that say "Going to Grandma's" and spend the weekend with us. I have had as many as seven stay overnight at one time. In the morning, I ask what they want for breakfast. They all want something different: waffles, pancakes, biscuits and gravy, eggs, bacon and toast. Guess what? I fix it all.

I live for the times when they visit. I always have five days to get my house back in order. I do laundry, clean and make beds until Friday -- when they come back again. I love it! -- GRANDMA SUSIE, SHAWNEE, OKLA.

DEAR GRANDMA SUSIE: Some people may say you are giving up your life for your grandchildren. The truth is, you are receiving love and making precious memories for the children with whom you are sharing your life.

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