DEAR ABBY: Six months ago, my 31-year-old daughter and her 40-year-old boyfriend moved in with my husband and me. They have financial problems. We didn't ask them for money, but did expect them to help around the house.

I just had an argument with my daughter over the fact she works only 15 hours a week and does nothing to maintain the house. My husband and I are in our late 50s and both work full time.

We don't expect them to scrub floors every day, but it certainly wouldn't hurt them to vacuum, shovel snow and pick up after themselves. I know we should have set ground rules when they moved in, but we figured since they were adults they didn't need to be told what to do.

Abby, are we wrong expecting them to help around the house? -- GETTING MAD IN MICHIGAN

DEAR GETTING MAD: Not at all. Lay down the law NOW and tell your freeloading daughter and her boyfriend exactly what you expect from them.

P.S. If your daughter worked a traditional 35- to 40-hour week, they'd solve their financial problems much faster -- and the faster they could move into their own place.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 34-year-old single male, never married. I recently met a woman I want to marry, but here is my problem: She wants a big wedding, and it makes me uncomfortable.

I have no close male friends, so I would have a hard time finding a best man, much less groomsmen. Also, I don't have a good relationship with my family, so I don't think many guests on my side would attend. Because of this, I think a big wedding would be embarrassing. Her family would think I am a loser. Any suggestions? -- TIED UP IN KNOTS

DEAR TIED UP: One of the most important ingredients in a successful marriage is communication. Tell your fiancee how you feel. A wedding is for both the bride AND groom. It shouldn't be a fantasy created only by the bride. Therefore, she may have to alter her dream wedding to conform with reality.

P.S. If you are unhappy not having male friends, you may have self-esteem issues that need to be explored. Please consider counseling to resolve them.

DEAR ABBY: Everyone has heard the saying, "Don't drink and drive." Well, here's a new one: "Don't drink and COOK!"

Late last night the fire alarm in our condo complex went off. The hallway was filled with smoke. The firemen arrived and traced the smoke to the unit next door to mine.

After banging on the door and getting no response, they broke down the door. Inside, they found two guys "asleep." They had been cooking something on the stove, got drunk and passed out.

So, if you cook, please don't drink -- and if you drink, please don't cook! -- STEAMING IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR STEAMING: I'm sure you're still steaming, but you're lucky you were not burned up -- literally. I hope your neighbors learned from that expensive lesson. They could have died from smoke inhalation had the fire department not responded in time.

A drunk in the kitchen is a danger to property, life and limb. In an apartment house or condominium complex, the danger is compounded because the neighbors are also vulnerable.

Abby shares her favorite recipes in a two-booklet set. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $7.90 per set ($9 per set in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I must comment on the letter you reprinted from "Your Son's Wife" about grandparents who don't buy gifts of equal value for their grandchildren. I am a grandfather who would like to treat each of my grandchildren equally, but I don't. Here's why:

One of my daughters-in-law is loving and respectful toward my wife and me as grandparents, has taught her children good manners and, in short, is a joy to all of us.

My other daughter-in-law has done exactly the opposite. Much as we might like to, we do not treat this granddaughter the same as her cousins. Of course, this granddaughter is not responsible for her mother's conduct, but she suffers the consequences in more ways than one. In short, she's spoiled, and it shows.

If a son's wife feels her children's paternal grandparents don't treat her children as well as they treat their cousins, I suggest the son's wife do some soul-searching. Perhaps she'll find the reason lies, at least in part, in the different relationship she and the other son's wife have established with their husbands' parents. -- H.C. IN TAMPA

DEAR H.C.: I hate to see children suffer for the sins of the parents. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: My grandmotherly reaction to the letter from "Your Son's Wife" is that many times -- but not in all cases -- sons' wives are the carpenters of their own crosses. Perhaps unintentionally, they don't encourage their children to treat their paternal grandmothers with as much attention and respect as is accorded maternal grandmothers. THIS grandmother finally decided to treat grandchildren as they treat her! -- TOUGH-LOVE GRANDMA, HOULTON, MAINE

DEAR TOUGH LOVE: Please read the reply to H.C. (above). Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I have a few questions for "Son's Wife":

-- Do you treat your mother-in-law the same as you treat your own mother?

-- Do your children write thank-you notes and show appreciation when they receive gifts?

-- Do you involve your mother-in-law in activities such as school programs?

-- Do your children take care of their toys and clothes, or do they lose pieces and break toys?

-- Do you buy so many things for your children that they cannnot appreciate what others give them?

Perhaps there's a reason for the favoritism. -- ALSO HURTING, MAYFIELD VILLAGE, OHIO

DEAR ALSO HURTING: A parent who has a bone to pick with a child or in-law should verbalize it rather than making the grandchildren bear the brunt of their passive-aggressive anger. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I had to laugh when I read the letter from "Your Son's Wife." For years, we have laughed with our children about not being their grandmother's favorites. We have accepted the fact that being a stepgrandchild brings with it consequences: fewer gifts, less attention and support at events, and less recognition of accomplishments.

Life is not always fair. Sometimes we have to realize that's the way it is and find humor in the situation. Parents will defend themselves and their actions to the end. What we can do is recognize something we don't appreciate in a parent -- AND BE SURE WE NEVER REPEAT IT. -- BEEN DOWN THAT ROAD, ST. GEORGE, UTAH

DEAR BEEN DOWN THAT ROAD: I admire you for your perspective. That's excellent advice.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a teen who self-injures. I cut myself and hurt myself constantly, and I also tried to kill myself. I'm depressed all the time and so stressed it makes me sick. I hear a voice that tells me things, and it says if I tell anyone about it, it will kill me. Please help me. -- DESPERATE IN SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA

DEAR DESPERATE: The voice you're hearing is a symptom of your illness. If you keep secret the fact that you're hearing a voice, the voice will become stronger. The best advice I can give you, and this is from the heart, is to tell your parents or another trusted adult what you are experiencing. Your problems can be overcome, but not without professional intervention. You need medical and psychiatric help right away. Please don't wait.

DEAR ABBY: I just finished reading the letter from "Jamie's Family," about the 11-year-old girl who was killed in an auto accident while reclining in the front seat of the car. I was stunned when I read their letter.

I would like to let that family know that she did not die in vain. Although I don't do it frequently, I have allowed my 11-year-old son to do the same thing. You can be certain I'll never do it again.

A heartfelt thank-you to Jamie's family for taking the time to send a letter that I'm sure was difficult to write. They may have saved the life of at least one other 11-year-old today -- mine. -- GRATEFUL MOM IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR GRATEFUL MOM: Several readers have reminded me that new-car operating manuals warn against reclining in the seat while a vehicle is in motion. Although nothing can lessen their grief, I am sure that Jamie's family will find some degree of comfort in knowing they have averted a possible tragedy. Thank you for speaking up.

DEAR ABBY: My parents are in their 80s, in moderately good health, and live a modest lifestyle. They are active and youthful in many ways. We children and grandchildren love them dearly and look forward to spending time with them.

Our relationship is sustained by mutual enjoyment instead of guilt. They have many old friends and constantly make new ones. What is it about my folks that draws people to them? What makes them so popular with people of all ages? Here's the answer:

-- They listen more than they talk.

-- They rarely complain about anything.

-- They show a genuine interest in others by asking meaningful questions without being judgmental.

-- They live in the present, and although they appreciate the "good ol' days," they don't dwell on them.

-- They enjoy young people and recognize that each generation has both good and bad.

-- They are fun and interesting to talk to because they are learning new things and want to share them with us.

-- And finally, they can laugh at themselves. Growing old can be a real grind, but through it all, they find a little humor.

Relationships are a two-way street, and a lifelong endeavor. I hope that when I'm as old as my parents I will be like them. -- LUCKY DAUGHTER IN MINNESOTA

DEAR DAUGHTER: Your parents sound like wonderful people. However, the traits that make them sought after apply not only to seniors, but to people of all ages. So if you want to be the kind of person your parents are when you reach the age of 80, start practicing now.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)