DEAR ABBY: I am engaged to a wonderful man who lives in a neighboring state, roughly six hours away. We see each other by taking turns driving on the weekends. One weekend he drives here, another I drive there. He has a steady job with a generous salary and a son he would be unable to move because the mother has custody and won't permit it. I have two children, 11 and 3, and want to relocate to his area.

My problem is my 11-year-old son, who insists he wants to live with me but doesn't want to move away. He has never visited the area, but is convinced he will hate it. His father is no help and tells our son he will never get to see his friends or family. I don't feel comfortable letting my son stay here with his father because of his past drug and alcohol abuse, and because he works 14-hour night shifts and lives in a one-bedroom apartment. I don't think he can give our son the time or upbringing he needs.

My son has a great relationship with my fiance, but doesn't want to move to his area. I have insisted my son go and at least give it a chance. This is tearing me apart.

Is it wrong or selfish of me to insist my son go with me when he has expressed that he doesn't want to relocate? -- STUCK IN NEWARK, N.J.

DEAR STUCK: Not at all, considering the alternative of leaving him where you presently live, in the care of a single parent who is absent 14 hours at a crack.

While your son's fears about leaving the familiar and moving to another state are understandable, you cannot allow your child to make this decision for you. Your husband is unable to provide for the boy, and there really is no other choice for him.

Tell your son that you insist he go with you and at least give his new surroundings a chance. Give him your assurance he will see his friends and family, and that he can call and correspond by e-mail. Arrange for his friends to visit in his new home occasionally. And hope that his father will also come to see his son.

If, after one year, your son still "hates" it, promise to discuss what his other options might be.

P.S. If the boy appears to have trouble adjusting, get him counseling immediately.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I just returned from a two-day visit at the home of our son and daughter-in-law. They have two guest rooms. Ours is a loving marriage and we like to sleep in the same bed. The room with the double bed was given to our daughter-in-law's widowed mother. We were put in the guest room with two single beds.

No explanation was given as to why we were assigned the room with the two single beds. We felt it was a deliberate choice made by our daughter-in-law, and it hurt us deeply. It made us feel unwelcome in their home.

We would still like to visit them, but are tempted to stay in a hotel next time. Have you any suggestions as to how this should be handled in the future? -- COZY COUPLE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR COZY: I don't think your son and daughter-in-law meant any offense. But don't take this lying down. The next time you plan to visit your son and daughter-in-law, request the double bed. If it is already spoken for, arrange to stay at a hotel where you'll be comfortable.

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DEAR ABBY: I recently discovered that a mentally disabled woman who attends our church has become suicidal. She's a warm, friendly, bright individual whose company I thoroughly enjoyed. I have even been a visitor in her home.

The realization that she has considered taking her own life has me so upset that I find myself wanting to avoid her. This doesn't make me feel very good about myself, because she has few friends and waits for my greeting each Sunday. My sensitivity is defeating my good intentions of trying to welcome her in a spirit of love and acceptance.

How do I keep from being just another Judas to complicate her already difficult life? I believe in the power of love to heal, but have I overestimated my own spiritual strength to deal with this? I feel trapped by my own good intentions.

How do I handle this? Please help me. -- WELL-MEANING CHURCHGOER, DENVER

DEAR WELL-MEANING: Why are you running away? Unless the woman confided her suicidal thoughts to you, it may not be true. Even if it is true, her depression is not contagious. There is no reason to stop being friendly with her at church. It may be one of the few positive things she has going in her life.

"Healing her" is not your responsibility. While I, too, believe in the power of love to create positive change, your love cannot possibly cure her chronic depression. Medical intervention is required for that.

The most supportive thing you can do for that dear woman would be to greet her lovingly when you see her, tell your clergyperson what you have discovered, and see to it that she seeks medical and psychological attention if she is, indeed, suicidal.

DEAR ABBY: I read with interest the letter about which hand you should hold your knife and fork in. In Europe, people eat with the knife in their right hand and the fork in their left. It reminded me of a good story about this:

During World War II, an American pilot was shot down over France. He landed in his parachute, and the French underground found him and tried to sneak him across the border to safety. During the journey, they stopped to eat in a cafe. He cut up his food with his knife and then picked up the fork in his right hand to eat. This identified him as an American. He was captured by the Germans and spent the rest of the war in a prison camp. -- DONALD D. GROSS, MSG. (RET.), U.S. ARMY

DEAR DONALD: He should have heeded the old saying, "When in Rome, do as the Romans do," and learned more about the customs of the country he was trying to escape.

DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law passed away unexpectedly. My husband, who is the executor, has her cremated remains in our home. It was agreed that when all of the children and their spouses were ready, her ashes would be dispersed with all of the family present.

Now one of the sisters wants to open the container that holds the ashes and scoop some out to be put in trinket boxes for the other sisters. I feel this is very disrespectful, and that the container should be opened only once -- when everyone is present -- and only when it's time to disperse all of the ashes. What do you think? -- APPALLED DAUGHTER-IN-LAW

DEAR APPALLED: I see nothing disrespectful about saving a few of your mother-in-law's ashes, if any of her surviving "children" think it will be comforting. Please try not to be judgmental. There are no hard-and-fast rules when it comes to grieving, and if having the ashes will ease your sister-in-law's grief, I see no harm in it.

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DEAR ABBY: My grandfather is an amazing man. He served his country during World War II. He postponed his dreams to give his five children a better life. He and my grandmother sacrificed and saved so that their children would have the chance to go to college and emerge debt-free. He is the kindest and gentlest person I have ever known.

Last summer, at the age of 84, he almost died of a still undiagnosed blood disorder. What saved his life were multiple transfusions of donated blood. Since that time, he has returned to the hospital for further transfusions and is doing fine.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank all of the people who gave their time and their blood so that my grandfather could live. Thank you for giving him the opportunity to meet and fall in love with his first great-grandchild. Thank you for giving Grandpa his 62nd wedding anniversary and his 85th birthday. Thank you for allowing his extended family to gather in celebration of Christmas. Thank you for every day that you have given our family the chance to absorb more of his wisdom.

Abby, please ask your readers to take the time to save a grandpa, a child, a stranger or a relative. Give blood. -- KRISTA L. THORNTON, NASHVILLE, TENN.

DEAR KRISTA: Thank you for your eloquent letter. A pint of blood is easy and painless to give, and it can literally mean the difference between life and death. Readers, if you won't do it for yourselves, consider doing it in the memory of a loved one who didn't make it.

Contact the nearest Red Cross Center by looking in your telephone book or asking the information operator, or call 1-888-256-6388 for the location of your nearest community-focused blood center.

DEAR ABBY: As a child protective social worker and parent-education instructor, I would like to add to your advice to "Concerned Knoxville Mom" whose 10-year-old daughter answers the door when she shouldn't and leaves the door unlocked. None of this is unusual for a 10-year-old left unsupervised for even short periods.

"Concerned Mom's" daughter is saying by her behavior that she is not ready to handle the responsibility of supervising herself for even a short time. A 10-year-old child should not be left unsupervised. It's often too tempting for a child that age to take advantage of his or her "freedom" and try to get away with things they wouldn't get away with when a parent is around.

You should have advised "Concerned Mom" to ask a trusted relative, a friend or neighbor to allow the child to stay at his or her home for the brief period before "Concerned Mom" comes home from work. She should also check with her local welfare department or child protective services about financial assistance for child care. These agencies can direct her to after-school care programs or, if necessary, can even certify a relative, friend or neighbor, after completing a background check and evaluating his or her home, making this alternative caregiver eligible to receive compensation through state child-care funds.

If "Concerned Mom" looks hard enough, she can find alternatives to leaving her 10-year-old daughter at home alone. -- CHILD PROTECTIVE SOCIAL WORKER IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR SOCIAL WORKER: What a helpful letter. I'm sure it will interest many parents of latchkey children from coast to coast who are unaware of the potential help that is available to them.

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