DEAR ABBY: I am an educated middle-aged woman who has not worked outside the home since my first child was born 12 years ago. My husband, "Jack," is a respected physician who makes a good living. We have two daughters, ages 11 and 9. Jack loves the girls and tries to make time for them in his busy work schedule. His career is demanding. Over the years it has taken more and more from him in terms of time, energy and emotions, which is why I have chosen to be at home. Jack has given up many of the things he used to do for fun and relaxation because he is tired all the time.

My husband has become an angry, depressed man. He manages to hide it at work and functions very well. But when he is home, he is controlling and complains constantly.

I have repeatedly asked him to see a therapist and consider taking an anti-depressant, but he absolutely refuses to do either. He says he can manage his problems. He can't. His constant criticism has killed any feelings I had for him. I am not interested in his thoughts or opinions, and I'm certainly not interested in having sex with him, which I do to keep the peace.

Jack says he is happy with me and doesn't want another wife. I am NOT happy with him and I don't want another husband. It's too much work!

If we didn't have children I would leave. But how can I take my daughters away from their father? If I left him, I wouldn't know what to do to support myself since I no longer have any marketable skills. I'm afraid he'd be so angry he would leave me financially destitute.

Abby, I'm stuck. I don't know what to do. -- TIRED OF IT ALL

DEAR TIRED: Leaving isn't an option. Your husband needs you. You have described symptoms of chronic depression, and your husband needs professional help. Although it hasn't yet affected his work, if it continues, it will.

Try again to convince him to get the help he needs. Remind him of how things used to be between the two of you before he became self-protective and defensive. Do not be confrontational. Tell him you love him. Remind him how important he is to his daughters, that as a family you need his support, not his criticism.

If that has no effect, talk to one of his close and trusted colleagues, preferably one who is trained in mental health disorders, about the change in his behavior. Depression is an illness, and he or she may be able to convince him, in a way you can't, to get help.

Medication and counseling do wonders in the treatment of depression. The sooner it is treated, the faster the patient (or doctor) gets better.

DEAR ABBY: Three years ago, my mother sent me a birthday card with a penny inside. She died recently, and I'm still wondering why she sent me just a penny.

Is there an old adage connected to giving someone a penny as a gift? -- DAUGHTER OF A FRUGAL MOM

DEAR DAUGHTER: Have you never heard of "a penny for luck"? Your mother included the penny because she was wishing you good luck.

Abby shares her favorite recipes in a two-booklet set. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $7.90 per set ($9 per set in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I have tried for years to contact some of my husband's Army buddies. I have finally gotten in touch with one of them, and we'll be visiting him and his family for a weekend in the near future.

They told us our large family is no problem, and it would be easier for us to stay with them than in a motel. Because of the size of our family, I feel we should stay in a motel. My husband thinks we should stay with them.

Abby, what should I take with me when we visit them? What would be an appropriate hostess gift? I have never met these people, although we've communicated often via phone calls and online communications. Should I bring groceries or go shopping with the hostess and pay for some of the food? Should I send money in advance to help with the extra expenses of our visit? Should I take towels for our family? Six showers a day equals a lot of laundry.

I would appreciate your guidance. -- UNEASY VISITOR IN BATH, N.Y.

DEAR UNEASY: Because of the size of your family, ask your hosts if they would like you to bring towels, pillows, sleeping bags or linens and blankets. If they aren't needed, they will tell you. Forget about taking groceries since this is only a weekend visit, but do take your hosts out for a meal during your stay.

Take along a lovely basket of fruit you can all enjoy as your hostess gift, and following your visit, be sure to thank your hosts in writing for their hospitality.

DEAR ABBY: Last fall, you printed a letter from a woman who gave her friend a hat shower. The friend had lost her hair from chemotherapy treatments. Because you printed that letter, I was the recipient of two hat showers! You have no idea how much they meant to me.

At one of the showers, the hostess asked everyone to explain how they knew me and to tell what I meant to them. It was a very special and emotional time. I have never felt so loved and embraced as I did that night. The hostess also asked the attendees to give me a card to open at a later date. I now have cards to open over the next four months -- and I look forward to opening them. What a thoughtful way of letting me know how much I am loved long after the shower.

The school bus drivers I work with gave me the second shower. To see all the drivers wearing pink ribbons on their I.D. badges was awesome!

The first time I went through chemo was 13 years ago. This time I have almost 100 hats from which to choose. It makes being bald not quite so hard.

Thank you, Abby, and also the woman who wrote the letter. I love all my hats. Each one has a special memory. -- CONNIE OLIVER, MOSES LAKE, WASH.

DEAR CONNIE: I hope your terrific letter inspires other readers to follow suit. We all need affirmation in times of trouble. I wish you successful treatment and a speedy recovery.

DEAR ABBY: You were wrong when you told "Happily Dating in N.J." that "years ago girls used to dream about a little white house with a picket fence. Now they're likely to dream about a corporate office with a couple of windows."

Many girls still dream about that "little white house," but today they are focused on providing it for themselves instead of waiting for a man to get it for them. -- GRANDMA GAYLE IN TENNESSEE

DEAR GRANDMA GAYLE: Your point is well taken. However, I think we are both right.

DEAR ABBY: My second husband, "Peter," is overly protective of my daughter. "Joy" is 15, very pretty, and popular with both girls and boys. Joy has no contact with her biological father. She calls Peter "Dad."

The problem is, Peter feels that if Joy kisses or holds hands with a boy, she should tell him (Peter) all about it right away.

I have talked to Joy about sex. She understands the facts of life. She says she is not interested in sex. She wants to go to college and doesn't want to "end up" with a baby, and have "no life."

I feel Peter is wrong not to trust her, and Joy feels the same way. I have mentioned this to friends. They say that if he doesn't trust her, he will lose her respect and she will pull away. They have a close relationship now. I hate to see it ruined because he is so distrustful.

Recently, Joy had friends over for a party, and she did kiss a boy. When Peter found out, he had a fit. He claims she lied to him because she didn't tell him right away.

Joy and I feel it is none of his business. She didn't do anything wrong. I've told her she can talk to me any time about anything, and she says she will. She also said she thinks it would be better for her to meet her male friends at her girlfriend's house so her stepfather won't question her every time a boy comes to our house.

I said no to that. What do you think, Abby? -- MARRIED TO AN OVERPROTECTOR

DEAR MARRIED: Your husband is not overprotective. His preoccupation with his stepdaughter's interest in boys is unhealthy.

Peter may be jealous, and amy fantasize about having sex with his stepdaughter, or he may remember how he used girls when HE was a teen-age boy.

Ask your daughter if Peter has ever approached her in a sexual way and made her promise to keep her mouth shut.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "I hope that children of all races everywhere will not assume that everything has come about solely because of one man's generosity. But rather they know that all people within a country contribute to its growth. I hope they work toward the betterment of their country and not contribute to its downfall, and that they realize that all people are brothers and sisters, and no people can live without the other for long." -- ANDREW L. JORDAN (1932-1991)

DEAR READERS: Andrew Jordan was an extraordinary African-American schoolteacher, the son of sharecropper parents in rural Mississippi. After serving as a "colored soldier" in the early 1950s, he got his higher education with financial assistance from the GI Bill and realized his dream of teaching. When it became known he was a civil rights activist, he lost his job and became unemployable in his home state.

All of this -- and much more -- is detailed in his biography, "Civil Rights Childhood," beautifully written by his daughter, Jordana Y. Shakoor. This excellent firsthand account of the civil rights struggle is now in its second printing, published by University Press of Mississippi. It is available in bookstores everywhere. It is a sobering reminder that the freedoms many of us take for granted came at a very high price.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)