DEAR ABBY: A friend of mine just canceled her wedding that was to take place a month from now. We already had an engagement party and a bridal shower for her.

I assumed since the wedding was canceled, the gifts would be returned. Instead, my friend asked me how much I spent so she could reimburse me, because she likes my gift too much to return it. She further stated that members of her family had refused to take back their gifts when asked. I was too shocked to respond to her question.

How should I have answered her question about how much I spent for her gift? (By the way, she was engaged once before but canceled the wedding before the shower.)

The gifts from the engagement party were never returned -- so now I have given two engagement gifts and a shower gift to someone who never got married.

Which leads to another question -- should she ever become engaged again, must I give her a third gift? -- CONFUSED IN WEST CALDWELL, N.J.

DEAR CONFUSED: Since you have already given two engagement gifts and a shower gift, I see no reason why you should feel obligated to give again should your friend get in the way of cupid's arrow. Tell her exactly how much you spent for the wedding gift she's keeping so she can reimburse you for the expense. She's trying to do the right thing and shouldn't be criticized for it.

DEAR ABBY: I would like to respond to "Not Very Graceful in Provo, Utah," who asked how women in high heels could walk so gracefully.

When I went through modeling school in the 1950s, we were taught to walk in high heels by:

(1) Placing the toe area down first, followed very quickly by the heel, so the whole foot was down at the same time.

(2) Walking with knees slightly flexed.

(3) Pulling our ribs "out of the abdomen" (figuratively speaking) without doing anything special with the shoulders, not to lean back, and most important, standing up straight.

If she follows these instructions, she will walk smoothly. Balancing a book on top of the head can be added later. I'm sure models are still taught these techniques. -- DEIRDRE MADDEN, MEDINA, OHIO

DEAR DEIRDRE: May I be frank? Thank you for the input, but it seems like a lot to remember just to make it from point A to point B. I also heard from a foot specialist who asked me to remind women that more important than walking gracefully in high heels is to wear shoes that fit properly. An entire industry (bunion removal) was spawned by the popularity of ill-fitting, spike-heeled shoes.

DEAR ABBY: My mother recently passed away. I have been receiving fruit baskets, flowers, Mass cards and sympathy cards from my friends, co-workers and family.

I realize that I must send thank-you notes for baskets, flowers and Mass cards. Is it also necessary to send a note back if someone sent me a printed card with their signature or a printed card with a written note to me? -- MOURNING IN WORCESTER, MASS.

DEAR MOURNING: I would. Everyone who has made the effort to reach out to you in your time of sorrow should be acknowledged.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am 20 years old and happily married with one child. A longtime family friend has a huge crush on me. "Mr. Jones" is in his late 40s and is always buying me gifts -- items of jewelry, etc. He keeps trying to persuade me to go to bed with him. He has even asked me to leave my husband, saying he would treat me better.

Abby, I'm scared to tell my husband. He is protective of me, and I'm afraid he'll kill Mr. Jones. I also am reluctant to ruin a longtime family friendship, but I'm tired of being scared to be around him alone -- afraid he'll do something to me.

What should I do? Should I tell my husband? Should I confront Mr. Jones? Help! -- ON THE SPOT, SIDNEY, OHIO

DEAR ON: Stop being passive and tell Mr. Jones in no uncertain terms that you're happy with the husband you've got, have no desire to "trade up," and his attentions are insulting. Return the jewelry and inform him that if he propositions you again, you will inform your husband and the rest of your family. Curtail the amount of time this intimidating "friend" can spend alone with you, and if it happens again, keep your word.

DEAR ABBY: Although I'm a longtime reader, I've never felt compelled to write until I read the letter from "Bowled Over in California." It's the one from the prisoner who communicated with another prisoner by talking through the toilet bowl.

The letter disgusted me. I am a female deputy in a county jail in California (probably the same one in which the writer is incarcerated). We call that method of communication "toilet talking," and it goes on daily in our jail. If we catch inmates communicating that way, we give them a "major write-up," because it's a violation of the rules.

Yes, many an unsuspecting woman (or man) has "fallen in love" in this manner, but I'll bet you won't find a single couple who have met this way, married, and are still together. It is a scam used to get the new, weak and uninformed inmate to send mail or money. The overwhelming majority of these toilet talkers are already married or tied up with someone else. Oh, the lies and schemes we've heard.

If "Bowled" has a brain in her head, she will run away from this so-called relationship as fast as she can. Think about it: Would you want to strike up a relationship with a person who may be locked up for many months or years (or a lifetime)? Or would you rather marry a fine, upstanding citizen who will be by your side, especially in times of need?

Most of these guys are ex-cons or have been through the system many times. They know how to manipulate. When they get out of prison, poor "Bowled Over" gets used and abused and taken to the cleaners before she's dropped like a hot potato and finds herself alone, pregnant and hooked on drugs, with no place to go and no one to turn to.

Please forgive the length of this letter; I could go on and on. If even ONE new, unsuspecting inmate turns her life around because of my letter, then it has been worth my time and effort. -- DISGUSTED DEPUTY IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR DISGUSTED: Thank you for the warning. I hope that those who need it will heed it. A real prince would communicate FROM his throne, not THROUGH it.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: This is in response to "Supports the Value of Education." I started college right after high school, but gave it up to marry and have children. In my neighborhood in the 1960s, few women went to college at all.

After raising my family, I went back to college and graduated when I was 40. I now have a wonderful career, more satisfying than I ever dreamed. Completing my education was one of the greatest personal accomplishments of my life.

Both my boss and her boss do not have degrees. They are two of the smartest people I know and have a great deal of common sense in business. Nonetheless, my education has made me feel more confident and complete. It did not make me any better than anyone else. We are a team at work and complement each other.

Not all knowledge comes from books, and a degree is a degree -- not a license for a pompous attitude. -- BILLIE IN CINCINNATI

DEAR BILLIE: I am all for education, and no one has ever written to me to say he or she was sorry to have earned a college degree.

Success can be measured in many ways. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Regarding that letter on the value of education, "Supports" missed one extremely important fact. A degree, in and of itself, is not a "guarantee" a person will succeed.

Education is learning. In order to get ahead in this world, what has been learned must be put to productive use. This is true whether you're applying the study and persistence skills you used to make it through college, or whether you're applying that which you have learned.

"Supports" obtained a college degree, but apparently chooses to rely upon having the degree, as opposed to relying upon being able to apply the education. -- DENNIS B., VICTORVILLE, CALIF.

DEAR DENNIS: You're not the only person who had the same reaction to the writer's attitude, which came across as intellectual snobbery. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: "Supports the Value of Education" wrote that "Several ... upper-level managers ... frequently comment that education is 'overrated.'"

That caused me to recall the words of Rabbi Benzion C. Kaganoff: "Education which is simply intellectual taxidermy -- the scooping out of the mind and the stuffing in of facts -- that kind of education is worthless. The human mind is not a deep-freeze for storage; the human mind is a forge for production." -- ARTHUR H. PRINCE, PH.D., MEMPHIS, TENN.

DEAR ARTHUR: This is the first I've heard of the learned Rabbi Kaganoff -- but I think he was on to something.

DEAR ABBY: I am legally separated and have been living with my girlfriend since last February. I want to ask her to marry me. Is it OK to be engaged before my divorce is final? -- IN LOVE AGAIN

DEAR IN LOVE: No. I urge you to wait until the divorce is final to pop the question. Doing so before you are free would make you and your girlfriend the hottest gossip topic in town. Bide your time until you are single.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)