DEAR ABBY: I'm writing about a delicate problem with my father. I'm 22 and due to graduate from college in just a few months. I've always planned on moving out once I graduated and got a job, and I have made this clear to my father and my family. My father, however, is in serious denial about it, and it is only getting worse.

At first, he would talk about things as though I would still be around, such as fixing up my bedroom. Recently he has begun saying straight-out that he believes I'll be living here for years to come.

Everyone tells me not to let his problems become mine, but that's difficult. I'm all the family he has left. He has spent his life taking care of me, and I feel I owe him something. However, I don't believe I owe him my life, and I need to move on.

For more reasons than I can begin to explain, I can't bear living here anymore. But my father is dependent on me and refuses any psychological help whatsoever, which I know he desperately needs.

I can't imagine what he's going to do when I do manage to leave. I don't know how I can get on with my life, living with the guilt of what does happen (even if he doesn't do anything desperate, guilt trips are his specialty). Your advice would be greatly appreciated. -- READY FOR LIFE IN MICHIGAN

DEAR READY FOR LIFE: Perhaps your father is having trouble believing you'll be leaving because you have been at home for so long. Whatever his reasons, growing up and becoming independent is normal, and you shouldn't feel guilty. If he tries to lay a guilt trip on you, refuse to take the bait.

Family counseling could be helpful for both of you. Get a referral from your physician. If your father refuses to go with you, go alone. You'll gain the insight to deal with him.

DEAR ABBY: While I usually agree with your answers, I respectfully disagree with your advice to "Anonymous in Michigan," who had been sent an inexpensive invitation to a family member's wedding whereas, the writer believed, others had received an embossed invitation. You counseled that the appropriate response to this supposed slight might be not to attend the wedding.

Abby, maybe that couple was short on funds; perhaps the invitation maker made an error and sent them fewer than they had ordered. Could it be that, being short of the "official" invitations, they sent the more casual ones to those they assumed had priorities other than the type of invitation they receive?

The bride and groom have hundreds of details to deal with, and the last thing they need is an angry relative. My advice to "Anonymous" would be to send them a nice present, go to the wedding, enjoy two slices of wedding cake and dance long into the night. -- KAREN DE CROW, ATTORNEY AT LAW, JAMESVILLE, N.Y.

DEAR KAREN: While I agree that it would be better if the writer had been magnanimous (defined in my Merriam Webster's Collegiate Dictionary as "loftiness of spirit enabling one to bear trouble calmly, to disdain meanness and pettiness"), it was clear from the letter that the person's nose was seriously out of joint. The implication received along with the computer-generated invitation was that they had not been invited until someone had refused. And that's the reason I said, "FEELING AS YOU DO (italics are mine), send the couple a lovely card wishing them every happiness and forgo attending the wedding."

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 53-year-old woman who never thought she would be writing to you. I have been married 33 years. The past several years have not been the happiest.

I found out at the beginning of this year that, for the past several years, my husband has been talking online to gay men. He would be on the computer in our home office, supposedly working, while actually "instant messaging" someone. When I'd walk into the room, he would delete the instant message. This went on for several weeks.

I thought in the beginning that he was having an affair with a woman, so when he was gone one afternoon, I decided to log onto his laptop and investigate. That's when I found his "gay name" for himself, and lots of names on his buddy list. I wrote down all the names so I could look them up later.

For the next few months I followed him online. One time I even made up a gay name for myself, and he and I instant-messaged each other. I made copies of everything and finally confronted him.

He swore he never did anything but talk; he never met any of the men on his buddy list, or the ones he talked to online. However, when he and I messaged each other, he gave me the name of his hotel and the room number where he was staying. I asked him why. He said he was very unhappy in our marriage, because he didn't think I loved him anymore. He promised he would stop, and deleted everything from his computer. He even closed his private Internet access account and began using the one from our computer at home.

Today, while checking our e-mail, I found a message from a man on the buddy list saying he was sorry he missed my husband's call. I was going to delete it, but left it there to see what my husband would do. When I went back online, it had been deleted.

Abby, I don't know what to do. We should go to counseling, but he is rarely in town. -- BETRAYED WIFE IN TAMPA

DEAR BETRAYED: Make an appointment with your physician to be tested for sexually transmitted diseases. Although your husband is trying to blame his straying on you (the best defense is a good offense), do not accept it. While unhappily married men sometimes seek relationships outside of marriage, most of them do not do so with other men. Your husband is bisexual, and how long he has been cheating is anybody's guess.

You should definitely get professional counseling. If your husband cannot or will not get it with you, I urge you to go alone. It will help you to decide whether your marriage is worth continuing, knowing what you now know about your spouse.

DEAR ABBY: My mother and grandmother have been living with me and my two young daughters for the past couple of years. I think it's time they moved out, but whenever I bring it up, they just blow me off.

Abby, I need my life back. What can I do? If I throw them out, I'll be the family pariah -- even though nobody else is willing to take them in. I believe Mom and Grandma could live together on their own, but they refuse. Help! -- SMOTHERED IN MARYLAND

DEAR SMOTHERED: Set a deadline for them to relocate. Then find an affordable apartment for them and help them move. After that, change your locks and batten down the hatches, because you will receive criticism for having asserted yourself. Stand firm, and you'll be free at last.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I must differ with something you stated in a recent column. For high school teachers and some counselors, being asked to write a letter of recommendation is not always a compliment. There are many students (and parents!) who think that teachers OWE them a letter. Around college application time, teachers are flooded with requests. The result is that teachers write generic letters that often have little bearing on the true abilities of the students, simply because of the volume of letters requested.

Students are not always thoughtful in making their requests, so please allow me to offer a few suggestions that will guarantee worthwhile teacher recommendations:

(1) Teachers are very busy. Don't leave your request for the last minute and expect it to be accommodated.

(2) Provide the teacher with all of the relevant information about your high school career, such as student activities, work experience, future plans for study and career, and why you're applying to a particular school.

(3) Provide a stamped, addressed envelope if the recommendation is to be mailed.

(4) Write a thank-you note to the teacher for taking valuable personal time to help you. This is good practice for job applications later on.

(5) Parents, this is your child's job, not yours. However, if a teacher has played a significant role in your child's life, a handwritten note from you is more precious than any "teacher-themed" trinket gift, and appropriate at any time of the year.

Most teachers want to see their students succeed. A little planning and good manners make all the difference. -- A POPULAR TEACHER, MINNEAPOLIS

DEAR POPULAR TEACHER: Your suggestions are excellent. I hope that students will take note of them and do some advance planning before asking their teachers for letters of recommendation. That way everyone will be a winner.

DEAR ABBY: My ex-wife and I divorced several years ago. After a three-year court fight, I was awarded custody of our two daughters. In spite of this, my ex and I are on friendly terms. I have remarried and have a stepchild. My ex had a baby by a man who is now locked up for two years in a drug rehab facility. She has just informed me that she's planning on moving in with another man and wanted me to know he is a registered sex offender. I looked it up on the Internet and learned he committed aggravated assault on a 10-year-old child.

Abby, I am concerned about sending my girls over to stay with their mother on weekends. I want to trust her judgment, but not at the risk of jeopardizing my children. I went to my mom for advice. All she could say was, "I know you will do the right thing."

I don't know what to do. I want my ex to be happy. Maybe this is the soul mate she's been looking for, but I can't help being concerned about my children's safety. What should I do? -- A DAD IN A DILEMMA

DEAR DAD: Your ex-wife told you about her boyfriend's criminal record to give you the opportunity to call the shots -- so do it. Since her taste in men is so poor, you must safeguard your daughters' welfare. Tell her for the children's safety, they will not be staying at her house.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)