DEAR ABBY: I must differ with something you stated in a recent column. For high school teachers and some counselors, being asked to write a letter of recommendation is not always a compliment. There are many students (and parents!) who think that teachers OWE them a letter. Around college application time, teachers are flooded with requests. The result is that teachers write generic letters that often have little bearing on the true abilities of the students, simply because of the volume of letters requested.

Students are not always thoughtful in making their requests, so please allow me to offer a few suggestions that will guarantee worthwhile teacher recommendations:

(1) Teachers are very busy. Don't leave your request for the last minute and expect it to be accommodated.

(2) Provide the teacher with all of the relevant information about your high school career, such as student activities, work experience, future plans for study and career, and why you're applying to a particular school.

(3) Provide a stamped, addressed envelope if the recommendation is to be mailed.

(4) Write a thank-you note to the teacher for taking valuable personal time to help you. This is good practice for job applications later on.

(5) Parents, this is your child's job, not yours. However, if a teacher has played a significant role in your child's life, a handwritten note from you is more precious than any "teacher-themed" trinket gift, and appropriate at any time of the year.

Most teachers want to see their students succeed. A little planning and good manners make all the difference. -- A POPULAR TEACHER, MINNEAPOLIS

DEAR POPULAR TEACHER: Your suggestions are excellent. I hope that students will take note of them and do some advance planning before asking their teachers for letters of recommendation. That way everyone will be a winner.

DEAR ABBY: My ex-wife and I divorced several years ago. After a three-year court fight, I was awarded custody of our two daughters. In spite of this, my ex and I are on friendly terms. I have remarried and have a stepchild. My ex had a baby by a man who is now locked up for two years in a drug rehab facility. She has just informed me that she's planning on moving in with another man and wanted me to know he is a registered sex offender. I looked it up on the Internet and learned he committed aggravated assault on a 10-year-old child.

Abby, I am concerned about sending my girls over to stay with their mother on weekends. I want to trust her judgment, but not at the risk of jeopardizing my children. I went to my mom for advice. All she could say was, "I know you will do the right thing."

I don't know what to do. I want my ex to be happy. Maybe this is the soul mate she's been looking for, but I can't help being concerned about my children's safety. What should I do? -- A DAD IN A DILEMMA

DEAR DAD: Your ex-wife told you about her boyfriend's criminal record to give you the opportunity to call the shots -- so do it. Since her taste in men is so poor, you must safeguard your daughters' welfare. Tell her for the children's safety, they will not be staying at her house.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have a beautiful 4-year-old daughter. I have raised her alone, with no help and no child support. The father has never seen her. I dated him for two years and broke up before I knew I was pregnant. He and his family tried desperately to convince me to abort, almost threatening me if I kept the baby.

Four years later, my little girl is now saying, "I don't have a daddy," and weeping about it. I tell her that God is her father and he's my father, too.

Abby, this guy is extremely volatile, spiritually weak, fickle and disrespectful. It took me a while to grasp all he was about, and when I did, I left.

My daughter has a great life, is very grounded, feels safe, has a one-home, one-church family and incredible grandparents. I do not want to disrupt her life by bringing a man into it who made it clear he wants no part of her, and who is not the role model I want for my child.

What's the next step regarding conversations with her, getting child support, etc.? -- SAD GIRL'S MOM

DEAR MOM: While I sympathize that your daughter doesn't have a father figure, based on your description of her father, you used sound judgment in ending your relationship. To reconnect with him now could lead to your daughter being rejected once again, not only by him, but by his family as well. You were also wise to forgo child support. If you demanded it, the father would be in her life, for better or worse.

In order to fulfill your child's need for a father figure, enlist the help of a male relative or longtime male friend to function as a surrogate father, or at least a part-time male presence in her life. Another option is to join a group for single parents so your daughter can see she's not the only child without a dad.

An appointment with a child psychologist to discuss what else may be causing your daughter to weep could also be helpful.

DEAR ABBY: The letter about taking food to families in mourning reminded me of a similar experience. After I had major surgery, some friends offered to bring lunch that we could share. They planned to stay and visit with me. I told them I wasn't up to socializing due to pain and discomfort. Two weeks later, they offered again. I thanked them, but declined for the same reason.

In the meantime, another friend called to say she wanted to drop off some meals she had prepared. She told my husband she would not stay, but that I could call her if I felt like talking.

My recuperation lasted longer than I anticipated, but she brought us more meals. You can imagine how we welcomed those homemade meals. I've told her many times over I'm forever grateful for her kindness.

This taught me a valuable lesson. I promised myself I would perform this same act of kindness in the future. When the first group of friends called for the third time, I hinted that I appreciated the home-cooked meals my other friend brought. Their answer: "We'll go out to lunch when you're better." -- A MORE COMPASSIONATE PERSON, SOMEWHERE IN THE U.S.A.

DEAR PERSON: Talk about a letter with an important message. Thank you for sharing this valuable lesson. Many can learn from it.

Abby shares her favorite recipes in a two-booklet set. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $7.90 per set ($9 per set in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: Thank you for setting "Singing the Wedding Bell Blues" straight. She's the young woman who was miffed because her parents offered her "only" $7,000 to spend on her wedding when she wanted four times that amount. How dare she assume that her parents are financially responsible! They do not "owe" her anything.

I am a wedding coordinator and have been involved in many weddings where the bride and groom had a limited budget. They were some of the most beautiful and romantic weddings I've seen. I have also done a wedding where the parents spent $100,000 to impress 2,000 people. That couple isn't any more married than a couple who spends very little.

"Singing" should wake up and rethink her plans. Allow me to offer a few suggestions:

(1) Consider having her wedding at a bed-and-breakfast or other facility that provides everything needed for a wonderful event.

(2) Have a double ceremony with her brother. (They have the same family members and probably share some of the same friends.)

(3) Change the wedding date so she and her fiance have more time to save for the splashy wedding of their dreams.

(4) Hire a wedding coordinator who will help her stay within a budget.

Abby, even if this bride-elect is a 4.0 graduate, she's showing neither maturity nor common sense, not to mention gratitude for the $7,000 her parents have offered. She is more concerned about having a wedding than a marriage, and that is sad. -- KATHY IN ATLANTA

DEAR KATHY: Mail poured in after that young woman's letter appeared. While none of the other letters came from professional wedding planners, all of it came from readers shocked by "Singing's" attitude of entitlement. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I commend you for your response to "Singing the Wedding Bell Blues." If I were writing your column, I might have chosen a few four-letter words to emphasize the selfish immaturity displayed by those young adults. Keep shooting straight. -- DOING ALL I CAN -- AND THAT'S ALL, OKLAHOMA CITY

DEAR ABBY: My parents worked hard during my entire childhood to ensure that my sisters and I had a comfortable upbringing, only to lose everything in a business they bought for their retirement after the three of us left home. When my sister and I were being married, neither of us expected financial assistance from our parents. We were delighted they could even ATTEND our weddings.

My parents drew upon their life insurance policies so they could give us each $1,000 as a wedding gift. I will never forget how wonderful it was to have them with me when I married my husband, nor the heartbreak at opening their card and having to accept their gift, knowing what a tremendous sacrifice it was for them.

"Singing" should be happy that her parents are able to retire comfortably and that she won't have to worry about their future. For years, I could not say the same. -- GRATEFUL DAUGHTER IN OHIO

DEAR ABBY: When I married in May 1977, my parents couldn't afford an elaborate wedding either. We had an outdoor wedding on my father's property. We spent the entire spring building trellises and planting flower beds. My husband and I invited 150 guests at a cost of $1,500. Two weeks before the wedding, several aunts and I made up 300 tamales. The day of our wedding, we had a huge Mexican feast.

Our wedding was gorgeous, and I have the pictures to prove it. "Singing" should quit sulking and use her imagination. -- MADE DO IN KANSAS

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)