DEAR ABBY: My heart sank when I read the letter from "Daughter From Westfield, N.J.," who was obviously deeply hurt by the way the "monument designer" had signed her father's headstone. While I wholeheartedly support "Daughter's" right to remove the "metal business card," I would like to express the basis for this practice in the memorial industry.

I am a Certified Memorialist who takes great pride in what my staff of artists and I create for the families we serve. We view the memorials we design, engrave and erect for public viewing as everlasting works of memorial art. As all artists do, we want to sign our creations. I have seen this type of craftsman identification in many other areas, such as custom cabinets and furniture, public buildings and in many forms of art. Many times in my 18-year career, I have sought to affirm this method by asking the families if they approve of our placing this identification on their memorial, and I have never had a negative response.

Perhaps "Daughter" didn't see it from this perspective and viewed the monument designer as just a salesperson instead of a craftsman. It is also possible that the "metal business card" that was used wasn't tasteful or discreet. Whatever the case, I defend her right to remove it. I just hope my letter helps her and your readers understand why my peers and I will continue to sign our works of memorial art. -- CERTIFIED MEMORIALIST IN INDIANA

DEAR MEMORIALIST: Your letter is informative, and thank you for it. However, I suspect the reason you receive such positive reaction when you ask grieving families if they approve of your signing the gravestones is that you had the courtesy to ask. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I am a caretaker at a cemetery. Those small metal tags on headstones are there for a reason. They have the company name and telephone number on them. They are usually placed on the BACK of the stone in a very discreet spot. They are not intended to be "advertising." They are most often used by caretakers. If anything should happen to the stone, such as weather damage, vandalism, deterioration, whatever, we just have to look at the number on the back of the stone and call the company.

The daughter did a foolish thing when she removed the metal tag from her father's headstone. Please correct this error before people run to their loved ones' headstones to remove the metal tag. -- BUSY CARETAKER IN NORTHWEST IOWA

DEAR BUSY CARETAKER: I checked with the Funeral Consumers Alliance and was informed that those little metal tags are unacceptable unless displayed discreetly on the back of the headstone, rather than the front.

DEAR ABBY: "Britney," the boss's daughter (and my co-worker), lies, exaggerates and gossips about other workers on their days off. I recently overheard her tell a new employee -- in Spanish -- how much she dislikes me. Britney isn't aware that I, too, speak Spanish fluently.

Abby, I feel very uncomfortable working with her. I hesitate to say anything to her about this, because she will probably get mad and tell her mother. Should I keep quiet, or should I say something to Britney? -- TALKED ABOUT IN WISCONSIN

DEAR TALKED ABOUT: Get your resume together. Then, by all means, say something to Britney -- in Spanish.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Eight months ago, I married "Tim." We're very happy. There's only one problem. Tim has a son from a previous marriage. The boy lives with his mother, "Agnes."

Abby, Tim's family invites Agnes to all the family holiday dinners. They say they do it for his son's sake, but I find it extremely uncomfortable. Last Christmas, I stayed home while Tim went to his mother's for dinner so he could be with his son and family.

Now that I'm Tim's wife, I feel strongly that I should no longer have to spend all my holidays with Agnes. Tim knows how I feel. He spends very little time with Agnes at these functions, but he says we must participate in these holiday dinners.

Tim has told his parents how awkward the situation is for me. They say we should be more mature about it. This is very upsetting, but what can I do? -- DREADING THE HOLIDAYS IN MEMPHIS

DEAR DREADING: The solution may lie in compromise. Now that you are Tim's wife, you may wish to start some holiday traditions of your own, and include Tim's son and family members. Consider inviting them for Christmas Eve dinner or brunch on Christmas morning, easing Agnes out of the picture. The situation may improve when Agnes finds a replacement for Tim, but meanwhile, take some positive steps to make your holidays brighter by not relying on his family for all your Christmas cheer.

DEAR ABBY: Having read the letter from "Newly Widowed, Baden, Pa.," who wondered when she could start going out in public, I must respond.

I am also in my 50s and was widowed two months ago. During my husband's last days fighting kidney cancer, our children and grandchildren came from out of state to be with us. The day after he died, I took my family to LegoLand. We had a wonderful day together. My husband would not have wanted us to sit around mourning his death. Instead, we celebrated together as a family.

A week after the funeral, I returned to work. I also signed up for two adult education classes and resumed my swim exercise class. If "Newly Widowed" is being stared at, perhaps it is because people don't know how to express their condolences to such a young widow. She shouldn't care what others think. If she has friends who think she should stay home and cry, she needs to find new ones.

While I miss my beloved husband with all my heart, I believe life is for the living. Please advise "Newly Widowed" to go out and enjoy life while she can. -- LYNN FROM VISTA, CALIF.

DEAR LYNN: I agree. I hope the widow heeds your wise words.

DEAR ABBY: What is the polite way to ask people not to bring gifts to our wedding? My fiance and I have lived together for 11 years and already have most everything we need. More toasters, juice glasses and towel sets will not fit in our house. -- BRIDE-TO-BE WHO HAS IT ALL

DEAR BRIDE-TO-BE: A simple statement printed on your invitation should do the trick: "No gifts, please. Your presence will be our cherished gift."

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: A couple we know threw a birthday party this past weekend. A large number of guests were invited. When we arrived, everyone was directed to the back yard. I was appalled to see a portable toilet, the kind typically used at construction sites.

This couple has a beautiful home with at least three bathrooms. What a slap in the face to be invited to someone's home, only to find that we had actually been invited to their back yard and were expected to use an "outhouse"!

My husband and I disagree on whether or not this was an insult. Your opinion, please. -- APPALLED IN POMONA, CALIF.

DEAR APPALLED: Before you conclude that this was an insult, ask your hosts why they did it. Perhaps they were having plumbing problems. Or, the party was so large the hostess didn't know all of the guests well, and preferred they didn't tromp through her house. She might have been afraid her carpets would be damaged by dirty shoes, or had experienced some petty thefts during prior large parties.

Whatever the reason the house was off-limits and the portable toilet was provided, you owe it to your hosts to hear them out before you judge them.

DEAR ABBY: Your recent comments to "Fashion-Confused in L.A.," who asked what "casual dress" means for the office, reminded me of the answer I recently gave to a new employee.

During the interview she asked me if the company had any "casual dress" days. I said, "Yes, we have two. We call them Saturday and Sunday." -- LOOKIN' GOOD IN NEVADA

DEAR L.G.: Thanks. You're a hoot!

DEAR ABBY: Your recent comments to "Fashion-Confused in L.A.," who asked what "casual dress" means for the office, reminded me of the answer I recently gave to a new employee.

During the interview she asked me if the company had any "casual dress" days. I said, "Yes, we have two. We call them Saturday and Sunday." -- LOOKIN' GOOD IN NEVADA

DEAR L.G.: Thanks. You're a hoot!

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)