DEAR ABBY: A couple we know threw a birthday party this past weekend. A large number of guests were invited. When we arrived, everyone was directed to the back yard. I was appalled to see a portable toilet, the kind typically used at construction sites.

This couple has a beautiful home with at least three bathrooms. What a slap in the face to be invited to someone's home, only to find that we had actually been invited to their back yard and were expected to use an "outhouse"!

My husband and I disagree on whether or not this was an insult. Your opinion, please. -- APPALLED IN POMONA, CALIF.

DEAR APPALLED: Before you conclude that this was an insult, ask your hosts why they did it. Perhaps they were having plumbing problems. Or, the party was so large the hostess didn't know all of the guests well, and preferred they didn't tromp through her house. She might have been afraid her carpets would be damaged by dirty shoes, or had experienced some petty thefts during prior large parties.

Whatever the reason the house was off-limits and the portable toilet was provided, you owe it to your hosts to hear them out before you judge them.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 17-year-old female who has not had a boyfriend in more than two years. I am desperately lonely and want a guy I can trust and share my life with. I have one particular guy in mind, but I'm afraid if I let him know how I feel, he will reject me. I need someone who makes me feel "complete," and I feel he is the one.

My problem is that he hangs out with the popular group and probably won't even try being an "us." Is something wrong with me? What should I do? -- LONESOME TEEN IN KENTUCKY

DEAR LONESOME: There is nothing "wrong" with you. Many women feel they need someone to make them feel "complete." However, it's a huge mistake. The only person who can truly make you complete is YOU. Rather than concentrating on how lonely and needy you are, instead focus your energies outward on activities that interest you. It will make you a far more interesting person to be around.

Are you interested in art? Go to the library and read up on it. Visit museums and art galleries. (You might meet a nice guy there who's also trying to improve his mind, or some budding artists who are on the brink of recognition.) Are you interested in photography? Inquire if a local photographer could use an assistant during the late afternoons or on weekends.

You'll feel better about yourself if you allow yourself less time to brood. The most successful people I know were usually not part of the "in" crowd in high school.

P.S. That includes my twin sister and me!

DEAR ABBY: Your recent comments to "Fashion-Confused in L.A.," who asked what "casual dress" means for the office, reminded me of the answer I recently gave to a new employee.

During the interview she asked me if the company had any "casual dress" days. I said, "Yes, we have two. We call them Saturday and Sunday." -- LOOKIN' GOOD IN NEVADA

DEAR L.G.: Thanks. You're a hoot!

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have a problem with my sister-in-law. We've never been close, but got along fine until the birth of my son two years ago.

She always said she didn't like or want children, but I never took her seriously. I thought she'd make an exception with her own nephew. She's not nasty, but she takes absolutely no interest in him. She never wants to hold or play with him, and she's made it clear she's not available for baby sitting. At times, I think she resents the attention he gets from other members of the family.

My husband says not to worry about it, but I find her attitude offensive. My relationship with her has deteriorated. I'm upset that our sweet little boy doesn't have a normal, loving aunt.

My mother-in-law understands how I feel, but tells me it's my sister-in-law's choice and that I shouldn't let it get to me. What do you think? -- OFFENDED IN EAST BENTLEIGH, AUSTRALIA

DEAR OFFENDED: I agree with your husband and mother-in-law. Not everyone is able to relate to small children. You'll gain nothing by continuing to personalize this. It has nothing to do with you or the child.

Perhaps when your son is a bit older and easier for your sister-in-law to communicate with, she'll be able to establish a relationship with him. However, if it doesn't happen, the loss will be hers, not the boy's.

DEAR ABBY: I recently received a wedding invitation from a family member. It was addressed to me only -- not my husband. The inside envelope also included only my name. Some of my friends say it was probably an oversight and told me I should add my husband's name on the return card. I feel this is improper. Another friend says there is no excuse, and I shouldn't go or send a gift. My husband is hurt, and I'm not sure what to do. Your thoughts, please. -- SHIRLEY IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR SHIRLEY: To exclude your husband's name from the invitation was extremely rude. It meant that only you were invited to the wedding. Under no circumstances should you add his name to the response card. Simply pencil in that you will NOT be in attendance. Should the family member call to ask why, inform the person that you would be uncomfortable attending without your husband, and that he was hurt not to have been included.

DEAR ABBY: I have a major problem. I am a 25-year-old single mother with three kids. Fifteen months ago, I met a very attractive 33-year-old man who loves my children and me. He says he wants to marry me, but has not given me a ring.

Three months ago, I met a 42-year-old man who also says he loves me. He adores my kids, is financially secure and says he wants to settle down with me.

I have feelings for both of them. I want to make the right choice, but how do I choose without hurting someone? -- TORN BETWEEN TWO LOVERS

DEAR TORN: Since neither of these men has proposed, you may be counting your chickens before they're hatched. If you care for them equally, marry the one who asks you first.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR READERS: Since advice is my business, and the season for gift-giving is upon us, I offer these suggestions to help avoid financial stress and holiday burnout:

-- Because the Internet makes shopping easy, there is a danger of losing track of holiday expenses. Take control by making a gift list with how much you can afford to spend on each, and stay as close to the list as possible.

-- Consider giving "family gifts" instead of individual gifts, especially to those who are not immediate family. It could save time and trouble, not to mention a bundle. Announce that you think it is time to scale back a bit -- and you'll probably hear many sighs of relief.

-- Give home-baked goodies or gift baskets you create to neighbors and co-workers with whom you traditionally exchange gifts. Encourage them to do the same. Remember, it's the thought that counts, so put on your thinking cap.

-- Be a smart shopper and compare prices. Items may be offered for a cheaper price at a store you don't usually frequent. Compare Internet pricing with catalogs and local retail store ads. The price advantage may warrant the extra time and trouble to shop locally.

-- Shop early. Don't wait until the last minute when you're desperate and willing to overpay just to have a gift. If possible, shop on Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday during nonpeak hours, such as mornings or late afternoons. Shop the Internet a few weeks in advance of the holidays to avoid paying "rush shipping" charges and to guarantee that the items are in stock and your packages won't get bogged down in the holiday shipping overloads.

-- Shop carefully when using credit cards. For some, using plastic doesn't seem like spending "real money," so the totals can get out of hand. Write down everything you charge to more easily keep spending in check, and check the bills when they arrive.

It's easy to be seduced by the idea that you don't have to pay "until next March." Ask yourself, if I can't afford it now, will I be able to afford it in March? (The answer is probably "no.")

-- If you shop online, use a secure browser, order only from companies with which you are familiar, and print out copies of all purchase orders and confirmation numbers. This is invaluable if you have to dispute an order.

-- Once you have purchased a gift for everyone on your list, STOP SHOPPING. With stores and ads so festive, it's tempting to buy extra gifts. If you don't go shopping, you won't have to exercise your "won't power."

Everyone will be happier without an overabundance of gifts that only feed the "greed gene." Trust me.

Happy holidays, one and all. -- LOVE, ABBY

DEAR ABBY: I must comment about the letter from "Wondering in Murrieta, Calif.," who was upset about her teacher who uses the expression, "Life's unfair -- and then you die."

I do not understand the teacher's reason for continually stating this. I have a phrase I coined myself, "Life's not fair -- but people try to be."

I hope this teacher is reading your column today and will learn something from it. -- POSITIVE THINKER IN ST. PAUL

DEAR THINKER: I hope so, too.

Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklets I and II, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)