DEAR ABBY: This is in response to "Worried Mother, Chandler, Ariz.," whose daughter is self-mutilating. I had this problem in high school. What wasn't mentioned in her letter is that cutting, burning, etc., is an addictive behavior. You hit the nail on the head when you said cutting causes physical pain to express deep internal pain, and a mental health specialist is necessary.

In the meantime, instead of punishing her daughter by grounding her, the mother should try to be very understanding and treat this as an addiction. Anything her daughter could harm herself with should be confiscated -- and the girl should be monitored to be sure the behavior is not ongoing. It's easy to hide.

Please inform the mother that even though her daughter is in a lot of pain, she might not be able to verbalize it. It's best not to prod or force her. Just be there and try to do the best she can. The healing has to come from the daughter. A parent can only help along the way. -- FORMER CUTTER IN EUGENE, ORE.

DEAR FORMER CUTTER: Thank you for the valuable input. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I am almost 17 and have been cutting off and on since I was 13. When I began, I didn't realize how addictive the condition is. At one point, I cut at least once a day for several months -- and experienced physical withdrawal if I didn't.

Sadly, my behavior is common for someone suffering from this addiction. Teen-age girls seem to be afflicted most often -- especially the perfectionist, overachiever types who are also prone to depression and eating disorders.

I have read stories of severely addicted cutters who cut for 30 years or more. I will have scars on my arms, back and stomach for the rest of my life. As you said in your response, Abby, the daughter needs emotional support from her friends. I have been blessed with the most wonderful, caring group of friends who have helped me through my difficult times. I would encourage anyone who is a victim of self-mutiliation to seek professional help immediately. -- SELF-INJURER, STILL STRUGGLING

DEAR STRUGGLING: Thank you for sharing your personal experience. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I have been a cutter for 15 years. People are only recently becoming aware of this problem. I received help when I was younger, and now, as a mother of three, I'm able to control my urges when life gets difficult.

Please inform "Worried Mother" not to punish her child for cutting. Cutters are in need of serious psychological help. They cut because they feel their pain is eating away at them, and cutting is the only way to let it out. Talking and listening to her troubled child is vital. She should not be criticized, and her problems should not be minimized. The smallest thing can feel like an end to her world. -- BEEN THERE IN LAS VEGAS

DEAR BEEN THERE -- AND ALL OF THE FORMER CUTTERS WHO TOOK THE TIME TO WRITE: Most people do not understand the dynamics of this problem. Your taking the time to write and educate us is appreciated. According to other letters from former cutters, the problem may stem from clinical depression, bipolar disorder or sexual abuse. And I repeat: It is a cry for help -- PROFESSIONAL help.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Our parents, who were married 47 years, divorced six months ago. Mom and Dad now live on opposite sides of town. My brothers and I have been discussing how to celebrate the holidays as a family. I think Dad could probably tolerate being in the presence of Mom for a few hours, but Mom is so angry, she can't stand the sight of him. We kids want our children to celebrate as we always have -- as one family.

I realize we could split Thanksgiving and spend half a day with each parent. However, we don't think that's fair to us and our children. My husband is recovering from a heart attack, and he will get too tired if he has to spend the whole day with that many people. I suppose he could slip off into the bedroom and rest, but how much rest can you get with people talking and kids running all over the place?

I would like for our parents to meet us in a restaurant for Thanksgiving dinner, either at noon or in the evening. I'm not sure Mom would agree to be in the same room with Dad, though. My oldest brother thinks it would be a disaster.

Abby, do you have any suggestions for handling this holiday dilemma? -- THE CHILDREN

DEAR CHILDREN: Putting your parents together now would be like mixing fire and ice. Forcing them to be in the presence of each other when their feelings are still so volatile would ruin the holiday for everyone. It's time to establish new traditions.

Since your husband is not up to a full day of celebrating, I suggest you have Thanksgiving dinner with one parent and dessert with the other. Next year, do the opposite. It isn't the "family" celebration you wanted, but it's practical.

DEAR ABBY: The recent letters you printed about transmitting colds prompts my own. Last year, I missed more than a week of work and was sick for almost a month. It was all because a few employees repeatedly came to work sick. My company lost many man-hours during a season when the whole crew was needed. All of it could have been prevented by practicing courtesy and common sense.

Some suggestions to help prevent the spread of colds and flu:

(1) Stay home when you're sick. Wash your hands frequently with soap and water, rest, and drink plenty of fluids.

(2) If you can't afford to lose time, make sure to use a cough suppressant. A doctor or pharmacist can recommend the best one for you. A cough not covered can spread germs up to 15 feet away. When you must cough and cannot cover your mouth, bury your face in your arm -- or at least turn away from others.

(3) Use disposable tissues -- and use them only once. Deposit them in a proper receptable, preferably a lined one so someone else doesn't have to touch them.

(4) Wash your hands at the beginning of breaks and before returning to work to help minimize spreading your illness.

Remember, too, that even the "hale and hardy" can meet an early death if a cold or flu slips unnoticed into pneumonia. I know I wouldn't want it on my conscience that I might have spread the "bug" that killed someone. -- A FELLOW EMPLOYEE

DEAR FELLOW EMPLOYEE: Those are excellent suggestions. What you are promoting is consideration for others -- and that applies during every season, not just the flu season.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: As a child, I adored my grandparents. I couldn't wait until Sundays when we would go to their house and spend all day with them. My grandparents have now passed on, and I have my own children.

I now live in a different state and many miles from my family. When we visit my parents, I leave their home with the feeling they felt our time with them was "bothersome." My parents wave my kids outside when they would rather stay inside where their grandparents are. They make comments about my children's behavior, such as "too excited" or "they're hyperactive." My children are NOT hyper. They are excited to see family members they haven't seen all year.

I thought having grandchildren was something special. Instead, after they spend a mere two hours with us, I get the impression my parents have had enough. They are not old. They are only in their mid-60s.

I am tired of traveling halfway across the United States to visit my family and leaving for home feeling we outstayed our welcome. We stay in a hotel and rent our own car. We are doing all we can to make our visits easy for everyone.

I am angry and hope this is published in their local newspaper for them to see. What has happened to grandparents today? At one time, grandchildren were a treasure. It breaks my heart. -- DISAPPOINTED DAUGHTER, HOPEDALE, MASS.

DEAR DISAPPOINTED: Your parents are giving you a message you should heed. Whether your children are hyperactive or simply high-spirited, their antics are too much for their grandparents to cope with.

It would be wonderful if your parents lived up to your ideal of how they "should" be. However, at this point, they are not likely to change. Harboring anger will not improve the situation.

Keep your family visits as short and sweet as possible. Explain to your exuberant children that their grandparents are no longer used to having children around, so they must be on their very best behavior when visiting.

Your parents may bond and enjoy a warm relationship with your children when they are older. Hold a good thought.

DEAR ABBY: I would like to share a sweet and unusual experience I had with a stranger while Christmas shopping last year.

The cashier totaled my merchandise and said it came to $28.60. I handed her my credit card, but it didn't register in the machine. I gave her another card. It, too, didn't work. The cashier said something must be wrong with the machine.

A lady standing behind me asked the cashier, "How much was that?" The cashier told her and the lady said, "I'll take care of it," and handed her $30. I was astounded! I said, "Lady, don't do that. I'm able to pay for this." She said, "I'm sure you are, but I want to give it to you as a Christmas present."

The cashier handed her the change and the sales slip, which she gave to me in case I needed to return the merchandise.

I was so stunned I didn't get her name or address. I want to tell her how much the gift was appreciated by both me and my wife. -- THANKFUL TEXAN

DEAR THANKFUL: I'm printing your letter, but you didn't have to ask her name. It's evident: She was Mrs. Santa Claus.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)