DEAR ABBY: I was always interested in computers and pretty adept at working with them, so I combined this interest with my love for graphic design and began producing small Web pages for friends. One of the pages I designed was seen by a large New York advertising company, and it started throwing me clients so I could make some extra cash. Their in-house designer was a whiz with pen and paper, but keyboard and mouse were foreign concepts to him.

Within two months, I was able to quit my full-time job and design full time, and was earning more than before. I loved the work and didn't mind the deadlines. My family seemed pleased that I was doing well in a job I enjoyed.

Three months later, I got a call from the executive V.P. of the firm. He asked if I wanted to be the new V.P. of the newly created computer graphics development department. It meant a move to New York, but a generous salary with perks and benefits. I took the job and left for the Big Apple.

Although I came home as often as time would allow, I was now regarded as "the successful one with no time for his family." At my younger brother's wedding, I gave them a beautiful Tiffany lamp and a nice check -- however, they looked at me like I was shorting them because I didn't give them the keys to a new car or an all-expenses-paid trip to Europe.

I sent my parents on a three-week Caribbean cruise for their anniversary; they had never been on one and had had few vacations in the past. Now, every relative I have expects the same extravagant gifts. What should I tell them? -- TOO SUCCESSFUL IN N.Y.C.

DEAR TOO SUCCESSFUL: I can think of no load more difficult to carry than the burden of other people's expectations. Your relatives are greedy and presumptuous. If they have the gall to raise the subject of what gifts you "ought" to give them, tell them no one has all the money that others assume they have, including YOU. It's the truth.

DEAR ABBY: If you have been asked this question before, please forgive me. I was wondering what the proper etiquette is about going out (not dating -- just appearing in public) after your husband dies. Is there a waiting period?

My husband passed away two weeks ago. I attended our church festival with two girlfriends, and I felt like I was being stared at. We didn't stay long.

I am only 51 and my husband was 52. I know he would not have wanted me to stay at home -- but I want to do the right thing. -- NEWLY WIDOWED, BADEN, PA.

DEAR NEWLY WIDOWED: I have always felt that the time to show "respect" for a spouse is while the person is living. The right time to resume a social life varies from person to person. If you felt you needed some company and diversion, no one should criticize you for it. However, some people are by nature critical and judgmental. If you live your life to please them, you'll be making a mistake. Enjoy every minute with which you are blessed.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: After many hours of delays and waiting, my parents and I finally got on a plane to return home. When the flight landed, we sat on the runway for almost an hour waiting for a gate to open up. A man in the row behind us turned on his cell phone and called someone explaining the situation, using the "F" word in between just about every word he said. He was standing in the aisle and his voice was loud.

My father turned and said, "Excuse me, but there are women and children on this plane. Would you mind watching your language, please?" The man became belligerent and said, "No one could hear me!" Then my mother piped up, "I could hear you." Someone traveling with this foul-mouthed person turned to my father and said, "You don't know who you are messing with!" Next thing I knew, another person involved himself, verbally abusing and threatening my father. The flight attendant just stood there and watched the entire episode without saying a word.

Abby, the exchange left me feeling that there is no common decency left in this world. Instead of saying, "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was talking so loud," or, "I apologize for using that language in front of your wife and daughter," he looked for an excuse. Whatever happened to having respect for those around you when you're in public? Are we supposed to tolerate anything and everything that comes our way, and refrain from standing up for what is right, for fear of an altercation? Was my father wrong to turn and say what was on his mind? -- SICK OF DISRESPECT IN DALLAS

DEAR SICK: Your father wasn't wrong to speak up. However, he did take a chance of sparking an altercation. The man behind him may have been drunk as well as belligerent. The seat companion who pointed out that your father "didn't know who he was messing with," was right. The man could have had serious mental problems or a record of violent crime as long as your father's arm.

In years past, people followed certain rules of behavior in public. In the last few years, we have become aware of violent outbursts on aircraft. In response, strict penalties have been put into effect for passengers who cannot control their behavior. Perhaps the rules should be broadened to include people who turn the air around them blue with profanity.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a wonderful guy for almost three months. We fell madly in love almost immediately, and have been having a great time ever since. He recently gave me a "promise ring" -- a promise that he will ask me to marry him.

I love the idea, but I have one problem. It fits my ring finger, but I don't know which hand to wear it on. Do you have any suggestions? I don't want to commit a faux pas by wearing it on the wrong hand, yet I would like it to be obvious that I am spoken for. -- JANELLE IN SOLANA BEACH, CALIF.

DEAR JANELLE: If you want to communicate the idea that you are spoken for, I can't think of a better way to communicate that fact than by wearing the promise ring on the third finger of your left hand.

Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: A year and a half ago, my wife of 18 years confessed to an infidelity I had feared in the back of my mind all along. In our second year together, I was in the military. We were stationed overseas. We had a small group of friends -- couples and singles -- who partied three or four nights a week. We never allowed the parties to get too crazy, but occasionally someone would sleep overnight on our couch if they weren't sober enough to drive home.

One evening I returned from work very tired, and after a few beers, I retired early. A few friends were still hanging around, but were leaving soon. It happened in the adjacent room with one of my best friends, while our 2-year-old and I slept.

Since I found out the truth, I have experienced all of the emotions -- betrayal, sadness, shock, hatred, anxiety, denial, etc. After talking to two family counselors, three preachers, a psychiatrist, my parents, God, reading tons of books, fishing, taking countless long walks trying to reason why -- and finally attempting to talk to her alone -- what else can I do? (She refuses to discuss it further.) It still bothers me every single day. There has to be some relief from this continuous bad feeling I am trying desperately to get rid of.

Nothing has worked so far. I don't want to say divorce is the answer, because this happened so long ago. However, at times, it seems like it happened yesterday.

Once again, what else can I do? -- LIVING IN A GRAY WORLD

DEAR LIVING: Learning that your wife committed adultery once, 18 years ago, must have come as a terrible blow -- even though you had your suspicions. It is not surprising you have experienced all the emotions that come with the death of your illusions.

However, if you want your marriage to heal, it's time to stop concentrating on the past and devote your energies toward rebuilding. This may include accepting some of the responsibility for having made your home "party central" while you were stationed abroad. It's the quickest way I can think of to stop viewing yourself as a victim, and that, I suspect, is what is prolonging your depression.

By now, you've gathered a lot of advice from two family counselors, three preachers, a psychiatrist, your parents, God and self-help books. (You may have even written to more than one advice columnist!) Consider this: Marriages take work on the part of both spouses. You and your wife have nearly two decades invested in each other. Unless you're willing to forgive your wife her long past indiscretion and allow some joy back in your lives, your marriage is already finished, and you might as well move on. Which is more important to you -- hanging onto your anger and disappointment or your marriage?

DEAR ABBY: My fiance and I are being married on a four-day cruise to Mexico. We would like to invite many of our friends, but are unable to purchase all those tickets.

Is there an appropriate way to invite them to join us -- at their expense? -- EXCITED IN IOWA

DEAR EXCITED: Write your prospective guests a short note giving them the news of your upcoming nuptials. Explain that you would love to have them join you, but your budget does not permit you to pick up the tab. Include the name of your travel agent and the cruise line. If enough people are interested in booking passage, perhaps they can get a reduced rate.

P.S. Those who choose to attend will probably regard their presence as your wedding gift -- so forewarned is forearmed. Bon voyage! And I hope your marriage is smooth sailing.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)