DEAR ABBY: I read the "Ten Commandments for Mothers-in-Law" in your column. It implies that if the relationship is troubled, the fault is hers. However, relationships are a two-way street.

My son -- a "rescuer" -- married an insecure, controlling young woman. She is threatened by any participation on our part in their lives. Our son seems happy in his marriage, so we are getting on with our own lives without involvement with them or our grandchildren. A tragedy? Yes. One we can fix from our end? No. (Ironically, I scored high on your "Commandments for Mothers-in-Law.")

Adult children also bear a responsibility for making the relationship a success. To all daughters-in-law and sons-in-law who read the "Ten Commandments for Mothers-in-Law" and said, "Amen!" I offer this slightly modified version:

TEN COMMANDMENTS FOR A DAUGHTER-IN-LAW

1. Thou shalt love, honor and respect your mother-in-law and father-in-law.

2. Thou shalt allow them complete independence.

3. Thou shalt speak only kindly and loyally about them.

4. Thou shalt not find fault.

5. Thou shalt not visit them too frequently, and never enter their home without knocking.

6. Thou shalt say thank you when they do something nice for you or your children.

7. Thou shalt not give them advice unless requested.

8. Thou shalt not deny them access to their grandchildren as a bargaining chip to get what you want.

9. Thou shalt respect their taste in home decorating, though it differs from your own.

10. Thou shalt petition the Heavenly Father, in whose love they abide, for their happiness.

I would also suggest that daughters-in-law remember that they are providing their children with a blueprint for how they themselves should be treated one day in the future when they become mothers-in-law.

Please print this, Abby. I know I speak for tens of thousands of mothers-in-law who will read this and say, "Amen!" -- DISAPPOINTED MOTHER-IN-LAW

DEAR DISAPPOINTED: Touche! I'm with you all the way.

DEAR ABBY: I have a question regarding the proper way to pay someone back when they "pick something up" for you. In many cases when someone says, "I'm going to the store; would you like anything?" they come back from the store and won't accept any money.

We always intend to repay these people for the products they purchase. I've even tried stuffing the money into purses or diaper bags, but they always find it before they leave or just plain won't accept it.

Any suggestions? -- INDEBTED IN ILLINOIS

DEAR INDEBTED: Yes. Take a moment to consider if there is something special you might do for these "angels." Consider knitting something for their baby, embroidering some tea towels or guest towels, or preparing homemade pastries or candy from a family recipe. Because it's something you made yourself, the gift would be doubly meaningful.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My son and daughter-in-law asked me to baby-sit my new grandson when she returned to work three days a week. They also told me they wouldn't "let me" unless I agreed to accept $10 an hour. My son is very successful and makes more than $100,000 a year. They know I have few opportunities to earn spending money.

My son returned from work at the end of my first day of baby sitting and didn't pay me, so I went home. Later, I ran into my daughter-in-law at the market, and she asked if my son had paid me. I said, "No," but since they were coming over for dinner on Saturday night, I told her they could pay me then. We had dinner Saturday night and neither one of them paid me. (They are very forgetful people.)

Should I ask them for my money? My husband says if they aren't going to pay me, I will have to find other part-time work if I want my own spending money. -- GEORGIA GRANDMA

DEAR GRANDMA: There's no harm in reminding your son and daughter-in-law if they forget to pay you. Raise the subject of the money by asking them whether you should submit a weekly invoice for their tax purposes. Then agree on a payment schedule so all three of you have a clear understanding about how often you should expect to be paid.

DEAR ABBY: Both my husband and our 12-year-old daughter are stutterers. We recently discovered an organization that has helped them enormously, and I would like to share it with your readers: The National Stuttering Association (NSA), a self-help organization for people who stutter, provides literature for parents of children who stutter and, in addition, a video for children.

After years of difficult times at school, our daughter had poor self-esteem. Through NSA, we were able to learn about the various speech therapies that are available, and our daughter is in an excellent therapy program near our home. Her self-esteem has now improved.

My husband has also gained confidence by attending NSA meetings (there are chapters all across the country). NSA has helped him realize that there are other people out there just like him, so he is not alone.

Please tell your readers about NSA so other families like mine can be helped. -- GRATEFUL WIFE AND MOTHER

DEAR GRATEFUL: With pleasure. Thank you for sharing your family's success story. The National Stuttering Association can be reached at (800) 364-1677. The address is 5100 E. LaPalma Ave., Suite 208, Anaheim Hills, CA 92807. The Web site is: www.nsastutter.org. The e-mail is: nsastutter(at)aol.com.

DEAR ABBY: I would like to add this "tragic" experience to your "You know you're getting old when ..." collection. (Yes, it happened to me!)

You know you're getting old when your son greets you by saying, "Hi, Mom. I just joined AARP!" -- FEELING OLD IN ARKANSAS

DEAR FEELING OLD: Don't let it get to you. I hear they're taking 'em younger and younger.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My in-laws have invited themselves to stay at our house over a long weekend. They told us the time and day they are arriving -- and that their airplane tickets are non-refundable.

My husband and I think they are coming on the pretense of spending our son's birthday with him. They have never come to any of our son's birthday parties before, nor have they called him (or us) on birthdays or any other holidays.

We suspect that we are being used as a hotel, and I am concerned their coldness and indifference will hurt our son's feelings.

Abby, there has been tension between my husband and his family and me ever since we got married. My mother-in-law does not respect anyone's privacy. She has been known to walk into rooms and go through cupboards and drawers she has no business going in.

Do we have to let them stay in our house? -- TIRED OF BEING USED

DEAR TIRED: Bear in mind that your in-laws could be coming to try to mend fences. However, you are under no obligation to have anyone under your roof who isn't welcome.

If you're concerned that the tension could be upsetting for your son, suggest that your in-laws stay at a nearby motel. Offer to make the reservations for them. At that point, you'll find out if their plane tickets are truly non-refundable.

DEAR ABBY: I am six months pregnant and will soon create a registry for baby gifts. I am not planning a baby shower, but would like to have the registry available to those who wish to buy gifts.

How do I let friends and family know I have a gift registry without also inviting them to a shower?

Without seeming rude, how can I let people know they can buy me gifts? It seems the only acceptable way to ask for baby gifts is to throw a party and send your registry card along with the invitations. -- MOM-TO-BE

DEAR MOM-TO-BE: To include a gift registry card with an invitation is considered a blatant request for a gift, and any blatant bid for gifts is a breach of etiquette.

Please remember that people don't "owe" you a gift simply because you are about to become a mother. Your friends and family are aware that they may buy you gifts without your having to mention it. Unless you want to appear greedy, say nothing about gifts unless someone asks you what you need for the baby.

DEAR ABBY: When my daughter lived here with her father and me, we always had a hard time getting her to stay home -- even for dinner. Now that she has moved out, she's over here every day, even at mealtimes! Without making her mad or hurting her feelings, how can we tell her she doesn't have to visit every single day? -- HER PARENTS IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR PARENTS: Your predicament illustrates one of life's ironies: As children grow older, they can't wait to assert their independence and leave home. However, adult children who have left home for the first time often go into "economic shock" when they start paying for their own food, utilities, etc.

Speak up and begin putting some limits on your daughter's visits back to the nest. Set up one specific time during the week for dinner or a visit. If you don't begin to draw the line, it may be years before you can enjoy your privacy.

Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)