DEAR ABBY: My in-laws have invited themselves to stay at our house over a long weekend. They told us the time and day they are arriving -- and that their airplane tickets are non-refundable.

My husband and I think they are coming on the pretense of spending our son's birthday with him. They have never come to any of our son's birthday parties before, nor have they called him (or us) on birthdays or any other holidays.

We suspect that we are being used as a hotel, and I am concerned their coldness and indifference will hurt our son's feelings.

Abby, there has been tension between my husband and his family and me ever since we got married. My mother-in-law does not respect anyone's privacy. She has been known to walk into rooms and go through cupboards and drawers she has no business going in.

Do we have to let them stay in our house? -- TIRED OF BEING USED

DEAR TIRED: Bear in mind that your in-laws could be coming to try to mend fences. However, you are under no obligation to have anyone under your roof who isn't welcome.

If you're concerned that the tension could be upsetting for your son, suggest that your in-laws stay at a nearby motel. Offer to make the reservations for them. At that point, you'll find out if their plane tickets are truly non-refundable.

DEAR ABBY: I am six months pregnant and will soon create a registry for baby gifts. I am not planning a baby shower, but would like to have the registry available to those who wish to buy gifts.

How do I let friends and family know I have a gift registry without also inviting them to a shower?

Without seeming rude, how can I let people know they can buy me gifts? It seems the only acceptable way to ask for baby gifts is to throw a party and send your registry card along with the invitations. -- MOM-TO-BE

DEAR MOM-TO-BE: To include a gift registry card with an invitation is considered a blatant request for a gift, and any blatant bid for gifts is a breach of etiquette.

Please remember that people don't "owe" you a gift simply because you are about to become a mother. Your friends and family are aware that they may buy you gifts without your having to mention it. Unless you want to appear greedy, say nothing about gifts unless someone asks you what you need for the baby.

DEAR ABBY: When my daughter lived here with her father and me, we always had a hard time getting her to stay home -- even for dinner. Now that she has moved out, she's over here every day, even at mealtimes! Without making her mad or hurting her feelings, how can we tell her she doesn't have to visit every single day? -- HER PARENTS IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR PARENTS: Your predicament illustrates one of life's ironies: As children grow older, they can't wait to assert their independence and leave home. However, adult children who have left home for the first time often go into "economic shock" when they start paying for their own food, utilities, etc.

Speak up and begin putting some limits on your daughter's visits back to the nest. Set up one specific time during the week for dinner or a visit. If you don't begin to draw the line, it may be years before you can enjoy your privacy.

Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 33-year-old "Southern boy," raised by strict parents. I have never married, mainly because I'm too picky.

I'm currently dating a single mother of two. She is 29 and has a 10-year-old daughter and a 5-year-old son. I have fallen madly in love with this woman in only a couple of months, and will most likely marry her within the year. We don't live together.

On several occasions, before or after showering or getting dressed, she has walked around her house with no clothes on. Of course, it doesn't bother me to see her naked. This is her home, and she has a right to do as she wishes. The problem I have is that she sees no problem in being naked in front of her son. She even showers with him. I realize this is her child, and she feels comfortable being naked around him. I was not raised this way. When I mentioned it, it caused a little tension. Am I being overly sensitive?

Her son, who will be 6 in December, makes comments and whistles when he sees his mother's naked body. At what age should a parent be covering up in front of the children? Please let me know what you think. -- NEEDS THE NAKED TRUTH IN ATLANTA

DEAR NEEDS: You are not being overly sensitive. The naked truth is that when a child is old enough and aware enough to whistle and make comments about the parent's body, the time has arrived to cover up. And you would be wise to be certain you agree with most of this woman's values before you jump into marriage.

DEAR ABBY: I wish you could find the space in your column to reprint a letter my husband wrote after Memorial Day. It was printed in our local paper. I'm sure our armed services veterans would appreciate it. -- HELEN MANIER, SEDRO WOOLLEY, WASH.

DEAR HELEN: I am pleased to print your husband's eloquent and timely letter. Its message isn't just for veterans -- it's for everyone.

THEY DIED SO YOU CAN VOTE

by David Manier

For many years my emotions have been moved by Memorial Day remembrances and ceremonies. This year was emotional as always, but I was struck by the thought that those who made the supreme sacrifice are being let down by many in this country.

There is a thin line between a government of the people, for the people and by the people, and a governing body that prohibits the governed any means to improve their quality of life. That thin line is the right by free and honest elections to select the persons who govern and represent the citizens. The right to enact or disallow many social or economic changes. That thin line is the right to vote.

The right to vote is extended to selecting the officers of your labor union, religious group, social or fraternal organization. Labor unions and religious freedom are not allowed in a police state or dictatorship.

Hundreds of thousands of armed forces members have died to preserve our government and our right to vote. The citizens of this country who are eligible to vote -- but do not -- commit a grave disservice to those who died in wars defending the United States.

Their deaths should not have been in vain.

DEAR READERS: If you haven't already registered to vote, now is the time to do it. Get moving. Forward -- march!

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Six months ago, I met a man through a mutual friend. We've been inseparable since our first lunch date. A month later he said he had a "confession." I thought, "Wow, so do I ...!"

He told me he was still married. I thought, "What a relief, so am I!"

I recently finalized my divorce, but to this day, he is still married. He says he is having all kinds of problems with his wife. It has reached the point where I can't take it any longer. I've gotten involved in his mess, and it's driving me away from the man I love with all my heart.

I know I should have waited until his divorce was final, but he assured me that it would be over "soon." Well, that was four months ago. What should I do? -- DISENCHANTED IN DALLAS

DEAR DISENCHANTED: It's time to disengage. Four months could easily turn into four years -- or even decades. This relationship was conceived in dishonesty. As much as you may think you love him, he is not a free (or honorable) man. Run as if your life depended on it.

DEAR ABBY: Our daughter is being married soon. She and her fiance are vegetarians, and they are insisting on having a strictly vegetarian buffet at their reception.

Her father and I feel that it's improper to literally force their dietary beliefs down the throats of the wedding guests. Since we are splitting the cost of the wedding with them, we feel we should have a say in the selection of the food.

This situation has caused some bad feelings on both sides and has put a damper on an otherwise happy occasion.

What do you suggest we do? -- GOING MEATLESS IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR GOING MEATLESS: I suggest you put aside your preconceptions and take your lead from your daughter and future son-in-law. A vegetarian buffet can be filled with rich and satisfying food. Your guests won't feel deprived.

P.S. My congratulations to you all.

DEAR ABBY: In "Doyleston, Pa.'s" letter about depression, she said, "I'm constantly alert so that I keep my depressive tendencies under control." This is so true! Those of us who have been there and were able to regain control of our lives know what this means.

The group that helped me to find the tools I needed to accomplish this goal is called Recovery Inc. It is one of the best-kept secrets for mental health insurance. We are always trying to get the word out to health-care professionals and to potential members who would benefit from attending our group meetings.

Please pass the word along and feel free to use my name. Recovery meetings are held throughout the United States and many other countries. -- GENEVA KOEBEL, WOODLAND, CALIF.

DEAR GENEVA: I have mentioned Recovery Inc. before, and I'm pleased to do it again. Recovery is not a substitute for professional care, but is an adjunct to it. This effective self-help group has been selected as the winner of the 2000 Arnold L. van Amerigen Award in Psychiatric Rehabilitation from the American Psychiatric Association in recognition of contributions to the field of psychiatric rehabilitation.

Those interested in learning more about this organization should write: Recovery Inc., 802 N. Dearborn St., Chicago, IL 60610 (be sure to include a self-addressed, stamped envelope), or call (312) 337-5661. No fee is required.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)