DEAR ABBY: My wife is concerned about potential problems with her older sister. In January, they lost their father. Their mother is still alive. Her sister is executrix of the estate. She has told my wife to her face that she hates her. She accuses me of being a liar, thief and scam artist. (I have never done anything to her. I have always been courteous.)

She informed my wife that she would do everything in her power to see to it that she (my wife) gets nothing from their parents whatsoever. Can my sister-in-law cut my wife out of her rightful inheritance?

My mother-in-law is aware of the bad blood between them, but chooses to ignore it. What can my wife do to protect herself when the awful time comes to confront her sister? According to the will, anyone contesting it would get nothing.

The two sisters have never gotten along, and this will really make them enemies. We both read your column and trust you implicitly. What do you think? -- MARRIED TO THE LESS-LOVED SISTER

DEAR MARRIED: Your wife might suggest to her mother that she name an impartial ("without prejudice") person to be executor of her estate, in order to prevent a problem now or in the future. However, if she is aware of the antipathy her firstborn has for her younger sister and ignores it -- she's condoning it, and that's a shame.

If that's not agreeable, your wife's fears might be eased were she to consult a lawyer who is knowledgeable about wills and trusts in the state in which her parents lived. When someone who has a will dies, that will is filed with the court for probate. The purpose of the probate (a court supervised administration process) is to ensure that the wishes of the deceased are carried out. For instance, if the will says the estate is to be divided 50/50, that's how it must be. As executrix, your sister-in-law may be entitled to a fee, but if it's out of line there may be legal remedies.

It's sad that there's so much ill will between the sisters -- but whatever enmity the elder has for the younger, she's legally obligated to follow the terms of the will. Be prepared for any eventuality, but hold a good thought.

DEAR ABBY: I think a secretary in another department likes me, but I know she dates others occasionally. I never get to see her alone because she works in an open office with other workers.

Do you think it would be a good idea for me to get her home phone number from the database and call her at home? I want to invite her out for coffee. -- SHY TEXAS PRINCE

DEAR SHY PRINCE: No! Accessing personal information from the company database could cost you your job. Walk up to her as she goes on a break and issue your invitation in person. Because you are shy, it may be difficult, but the direct approach is definitely more appropriate and far more likely to get the results you hope for.

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DEAR ABBY: I know you have heard in-law horror stories for decades, but I believe mine takes the cake. My in-laws actually threw a second wedding reception for our guests because they didn't feel ours had enough food. It was a catered affair in their home immediately following ours.

When I had children, they told me they knew their daughter's children were their "real" grandchildren, but they could never be too sure mine were! They save their cruelest words for me and our children for when my husband is not around.

They call my husband "henpecked" because ours is an equal partnership, and he shares in the child-rearing, cooking, cleaning and shopping.

My mother-in-law complained last year that my husband is "too close" to his children. She says if my husband has time to coach our son's soccer team, he should have time to fix their storm windows.

My in-laws have repeatedly returned gifts to me saying, "I never cared for that scent of perfume" or "This shirt makes me look long-waisted."

They have also overindulged my husband's sister's children to such a degree that neighbors and other family members have commented on it over the years. My husband has truly supported me throughout these in-law tribulations. We have a fantastic marriage.

My problem is, after 18 years of being on the receiving end of these absurd in-law antics, my elderly in-laws expect me to assist them. They are now in their 80s and infirm. My husband feels obligated to assist his parents, however I don't think I can.

Am I a small person, or is there a limit to what I or anyone should give to people who have been mean and miserable for years on end? -- RESENTFUL IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR RESENTFUL: You are not a small person -- your feelings are more than justified. Your in-laws are so self-centered they do not consider how their words and actions affect other people. However, resentment can do more damage to the person who harbors it than it does to the target.

Should you help these people? Under no circumstances should you be expected to tolerate any more abuse. However, since your husband feels obligated to help his parents, and he has "truly supported you" throughout the years, I think you'd feel better if you returned the favor and supported his efforts. He's sure to need the help. If "helping" conflicts with something that is important to you, call an attendant care agency and let someone else help for a day or two. To do otherwise will only add to your resentment.

DEAR ABBY: What do you do when your best friend knowingly names her dog the name that you had picked for your future daughter (should there be a daughter)? Am I being silly to feel upset? -- HURT IN MINNEAPOLIS

DEAR HURT: What your friend did was doggone insensitive, and could create real problems should you have a daughter during her pet's lifetime. What does she think will happen if she calls her dog within earshot of your daughter?

Tell her you have a bone to pick with her. If she refuses to rename her dog, consider that a clue about how she prioritizes your feelings.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: It was about 3 a.m. The call came in as a signal 14. In laymen's terms, it means someone died. A 47-year-old, terminally ill woman had succumbed to stomach cancer. The call was close to the station so we beat the ambulance to the scene.

When we arrived, it seemed like her entire extended family was there. As we were about to enter the bedroom, the daughter asked if we were there to pick up her mother. We asked if they had DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) papers. She said yes, but they were at the hospital. Instead of starting CPR (which is what we are supposed to do when the DNR papers are not present), our paramedic called medical control, the doctor in charge of our service. Fortunately, he agreed that CPR should not begin.

Abby, this scenario has happened more than once, and I am getting a little angry. My anger is toward the system that sometimes puts family and loved ones between a rock and a hard place. The hospital and doctor know that a copy of the DNR papers has to be with the patient at all times or they technically don't exist. Instead of letting their mother die in peace, that family almost experienced the sight of her receiving advanced care life support. For anyone who is not aware, this is far more than giving chest compressions and mouth-to-mouth. She would have had a tube down her throat to aid in breathing, a succession of body-wrenching shocks would have been given, IV lines, drugs, etc.

When my stepfather lost his battle with lung cancer, my mother had worked everything out in advance with the hospice facility. All she had to do was call hospice, and they sent a medical examiner to pick him up. No ambulance. No fire truck. Just a peaceful, dignified way to deal with a very traumatic situation.

Everyone will have to deal with this situation at some time or another. Please, Abby, tell your readers that when this happens to them, or to someone they know, to make sure they know the right things to do. -- CARING FIREFIGHTER IN TEXAS

DEAR FIREFIGHTER: You have taken care of that -- and graphically, I might add. Although some people want every effort made to be resuscitated, many do not. Those who do not should keep in mind your warning that for their wishes to be obeyed, they must be written down, discussed with family members and doctors, and copies must be readily available. Thank you for your urgent reminder.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Bob" for seven months. We're both 25. I am in love with him. He is changing jobs and moving out of state in four months. I want to get married and start a family, but any mention of the word "marriage" makes him very nervous. He says he loves me -- that I am "perfect" for him -- but he doesn't want me to move out of state with him. He says he can't ask me to make that commitment because he's not sure what he wants.

Do you think I'm wasting my time with Bob, or should I give him more time and hope he changes his mind? -- COLORADO LADY IN WAITING

DEAR COLORADO LADY: I admire his honesty, and whether this has been a waste of time remains to be seen. Absence can make the heart grow fonder, so give him time to realize how much he cares for you and misses you.

If, three months after he moves, you see no change in attitude and he's still nervous at the mention of marriage, start looking for a man who is not afraid of commitment.

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