DEAR ABBY: It was about 3 a.m. The call came in as a signal 14. In laymen's terms, it means someone died. A 47-year-old, terminally ill woman had succumbed to stomach cancer. The call was close to the station so we beat the ambulance to the scene.

When we arrived, it seemed like her entire extended family was there. As we were about to enter the bedroom, the daughter asked if we were there to pick up her mother. We asked if they had DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) papers. She said yes, but they were at the hospital. Instead of starting CPR (which is what we are supposed to do when the DNR papers are not present), our paramedic called medical control, the doctor in charge of our service. Fortunately, he agreed that CPR should not begin.

Abby, this scenario has happened more than once, and I am getting a little angry. My anger is toward the system that sometimes puts family and loved ones between a rock and a hard place. The hospital and doctor know that a copy of the DNR papers has to be with the patient at all times or they technically don't exist. Instead of letting their mother die in peace, that family almost experienced the sight of her receiving advanced care life support. For anyone who is not aware, this is far more than giving chest compressions and mouth-to-mouth. She would have had a tube down her throat to aid in breathing, a succession of body-wrenching shocks would have been given, IV lines, drugs, etc.

When my stepfather lost his battle with lung cancer, my mother had worked everything out in advance with the hospice facility. All she had to do was call hospice, and they sent a medical examiner to pick him up. No ambulance. No fire truck. Just a peaceful, dignified way to deal with a very traumatic situation.

Everyone will have to deal with this situation at some time or another. Please, Abby, tell your readers that when this happens to them, or to someone they know, to make sure they know the right things to do. -- CARING FIREFIGHTER IN TEXAS

DEAR FIREFIGHTER: You have taken care of that -- and graphically, I might add. Although some people want every effort made to be resuscitated, many do not. Those who do not should keep in mind your warning that for their wishes to be obeyed, they must be written down, discussed with family members and doctors, and copies must be readily available. Thank you for your urgent reminder.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Bob" for seven months. We're both 25. I am in love with him. He is changing jobs and moving out of state in four months. I want to get married and start a family, but any mention of the word "marriage" makes him very nervous. He says he loves me -- that I am "perfect" for him -- but he doesn't want me to move out of state with him. He says he can't ask me to make that commitment because he's not sure what he wants.

Do you think I'm wasting my time with Bob, or should I give him more time and hope he changes his mind? -- COLORADO LADY IN WAITING

DEAR COLORADO LADY: I admire his honesty, and whether this has been a waste of time remains to be seen. Absence can make the heart grow fonder, so give him time to realize how much he cares for you and misses you.

If, three months after he moves, you see no change in attitude and he's still nervous at the mention of marriage, start looking for a man who is not afraid of commitment.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 66-year-old woman, married 48 years. We own a family farm not far from our home, which we share with our daughter and her husband, who are in their 40s. We are a close family and always have been. The farmhouse is old and has never been updated, so my son-in-law has built a shower outside. He works hard when we are there, mowing, etc., and the shower works better for him than a tub bath.

Recently I was sitting in a lawn chair not too far from the shower, and he came in from hours on the tractor in the hot sun and commented that he was going to take a shower. I didn't think he meant just then, but looked up to see him naked in the water. I didn't really mind -- I wasn't offended. Besides, he's a good-looking man, and I'm happy for my daughter. He obviously didn't mind and wasn't the least bit inhibited.

I later mentioned the incident to a group of my friends when we were discussing in-laws. They were very upset with me. They called me a "voyeur" and said I should have excused myself immediately.

Help, Abby. What have I done wrong? -- CONFUSED IN HOUSTON

DEAR CONFUSED: You blabbed the story to your friends. Everything was just fine until then. It's a wise person who learns from her mistakes.

DEAR ABBY: I hope my letter will benefit others.

I am going to be 50 next year, and recently started a job in a 22-story office building. I have never been self-motivated when it comes to exercise. However, I recently hit on the idea of using the stairwell in my office building to get regular exercise, and it is working out very well.

I arrive at work half an hour early and change into shorts and a T-shirt in the washroom. Then I go to the stairwell, and walk up all 22 stories, take the freight elevator down to the bottom and do it again. Sometimes I do it a third time if I have the time and energy to spare. Just walking up gets my heart really pumping, so I thought your readers might appreciate this idea. It's cost-free, convenient and not time-consuming -- unlike going to the club after work.

Because I don't perspire much, I just wipe myself down with a wet paper towel, dry myself with another one, change my underwear, get dressed and go in to work. I am so awake and alive by the time I start the day -- I recommend this to anyone.

The challenge each day is whether I can do it faster than the day before, and there is a real sense of accomplishment when I reach the top. I feel this would not be the case if I just ran around the block a couple of times. -- FIT AND HAPPY IN TORONTO

DEAR F AND H: I commend you for your commitment to personal fitness. However, your regimen could be dangerous to anyone with an undiagnosed heart condition. Those who decide to try it should first consult their doctor about having a stress test.

May I also suggest that most people who exercise strenuously tend to perspire profusely (perhaps more than you think) -- and a sponge bath with a damp paper towel may not be enough to deal with the problem. Out of consideration for your fellow employees, perhaps you should consider running the stairs after work instead of before to avoid the possibility of offending anyone. (Whew!)

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: It's almost the end of the summer school break, and students who haven't returned to classes may be bored or curious and do something as ignorant and foolish as I did long ago.

Now retired, I was a teacher and administrative assistant. Once, however, I was very heedless and stupid. I have never told this to anyone.

One afternoon, when I was about 12, I was bored to tears. I was in a small study room in a private academy, and somebody had left a book of matches nearby. (This was in the era when smoking anywhere and everywhere was perfectly acceptable.) I had been doodling on some paper and didn't like what I had done, so I tore up the paper. A large ashtray caught my eye -- and I thought, "I'll just pile the scraps in the ashtray, set them on fire, and watch them crumple into ashes like in the movies when someone burns a picture or letter from someone he's angry at!"

To my horror, I found that life is not like a scene in the movies. The little pieces of burning paper quickly scattered red-hot fiery ashes, propelled by some unseen air currents in the room (not expected). I tried stomping them out. The tiny pile of scraps flamed higher, rapidly getting out of control. I became terrified that something else would catch fire and possibly harm someone.

Madly stomping, I finally had the presence of mind to throw a nearby tin pencil box cover on the burning papers in the ashtray. The flames subsided and nothing else was set on fire. However, after that occasion, never did I ever want to strike a match or burn anything. I had learned my lesson, and thank the Lord, neither I nor others were hurt.

The most deadly fires have been started by "children playing with matches." Please, parents, talk to your children. Teach them fire safety and how a fire behaves. Fire is NOT a toy! Take them to your local fire station and have them meet the firefighters. Even let them see how terrible a burn can be in a hospital, where they may also cheer or give a lift to children injured by fire.

I was very lucky. Someone else may not be so fortunate. Please emphasize fire safety and the serious consequences of not treating fire with respect. -- EXTREMELY REPENTANT IN BOSTON

DEAR EXTREMELY REPENTANT: This is the worst forest fire season in half a century in some parts of the country, so thank you for the timely reminder. Children are curious, and they can also be mischievous (surprise!) -- and any parents who haven't discussed fire safety with their families should waste no time in doing so. Too many lives, homes and possession have gone up in smoke because of carelessness or ignorance.

DEAR ABBY: My friends and I have been having a discussion about weddings and how to properly wear your wedding ring. I say the engagement ring comes off before the ceremony, and after the ceremony, the engagement ring goes back on in front of the wedding band. Some of my friends agree with me and others do not.

Can you please tell us which way is the proper way to wear your wedding ring? -- SANDI IN JEROME, IDAHO

DEAR SANDI: The wedding ring is worn closest to your heart. The engagement rings serves as a "guard" for the wedding ring and is worn on the outside.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)