DEAR ABBY: I am a single woman (no children) who hosts several family parties during the year. I have six brothers and sisters. All are married, and they have a total of 16 children. Everyone in the family is invited to these family get-togethers -- and I used to looking forward to seeing them. The problem is, my brother's five children each bring a boyfriend or girlfriend. I never know when these "extra five" people are coming, and it makes planning a party difficult. (If all the nieces and nephews started bringing their friends, there would be 32 children!)

My brother never tells me that their kids' friends are coming -- and when they do come, they socialize only with each other. When I was a teen-ager, if we did not want to attend a family gathering, we stayed home; we did not invite our friends. Isn't it inconsiderate to bring uninvited guests to someone's home?

My mother tells me not to say anything, just to be happy we all get together and get along. My feeling is if others approve of uninvited guests at their parties, that is their decision. I believe it is my choice who attends a party I host. Do you think I am being old-fashioned? -- IRRITATED AUNT IN OHIO

DEAR IRRITATED: There's nothing old-fashioned about good manners. Inform your siblings you would prefer that your parties be "family only" -- then relax the rule once a year and make it an open house where everyone is invited.

You are fortunate to have a large, loving family. Not everyone is so blessed.

DEAR ABBY: I am trying to find out what "business casual" means. The dress code for men has just changed in my office, and ties and suits are now optional. Most wear dress shirts and khaki pants. Some men are sporting necklaces. Where do you draw the line? -- FASHION-CONFUSED IN L.A.

DEAR FASHION-CONFUSED: You've asked an intelligent question. Everyone would be better served if some guidelines were issued. The problem lies in the hesitance of many employers to issue a specific dress code, which has left many people confused. What is or is not acceptable attire is a line that must be drawn by the employers.

Whether employees wear a suit and tie, slacks and a sport coat, or khakis and a casual shirt, attire in the workplace should always look neat and professional. While some employers feel that casual dress improves productivity, I have received mail from readers telling me just the opposite.

DEAR ABBY: My brother has asked me to be his best man. The problem is, I am not a man -- I am a girl. I am honored to have been asked, but I don't know what to wear. I don't want to wear what the bridesmaids are wearing because I will look like I walked the wrong way or something. Are there tuxedos for women? -- STUCK IN FRANKLIN, TENN.

DEAR STUCK: Yes, there are elegant tuxedos for women -- some with pants and some with skirts. If the wedding isn't formal, a simple, elegant dinner suit would also be appropriate. Ask your brother and future sister-in-law which they would prefer.

Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I had to write after reading the letter from "Worried Mom," who opposed her son buying a motorcycle. You agreed with the father, who thought "Ray" old and responsible enough to make his own decisions.

On May 30, I buried my son, Tommy. He was only 28, but he spent the last eight years of life in a bed or wheelchair -- unable to talk, walk, eat, etc. He wore diapers instead of jeans. A trachea tube protruded from his throat and a feeding tube dangled from his abdomen. The brain injury my precious son incurred when his motorcycle collided with a van left him in a persistent vegetative state.

His friends and family abandoned him; his father and I grew old and exhausted from the daily struggle to preserve his life and protect his dignity. It was a nightmare of suffering and horror -- a walk through hell. Now Tommy is gone; we continue to struggle with pain and loss that will last a lifetime.

Being "mature and responsible" is no protection in the event of an accident. Cyclists are far more vulnerable and at risk of death and injury than occupants of an enclosed vehicle.

Tell "Worried Mom" to trust her feelings and stick to her guns. Her worries are valid. As long as her son lives under her roof, she has every right to veto his choice. I'll spend the rest of my life regretting that I didn't say "no" to my son. (You may print my name.) -- LAURA BURBACK, ST. PAUL, MINN.

DEAR LAURA: I offer my deepest sympathy for the tragedy that befell your son. The responses to that letter have been 90 percent in agreement with your opinion on this issue. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I strongly disagree with your advice to "Ray's" parents to let him get a motorcycle. When my son was 16, he wanted a motorcycle. I was hesitant and mentioned my fears to a doctor at UCLA. He said: "Just send your son to me. I'll take him through the wards and show him all of the boys there with broken backs, broken necks, broken everything. Most of them will never walk again. A motorcycle has no bumpers; it's just out there waiting to be demolished."

My son didn't get a motorcycle and is now in his 40s with his bones and all his faculties intact. -- POLLY FLEMING, LOS ANGELES

DEAR POLLY: At this point, I regret having endorsed the young man's decision. However, the man in the original letter was 22, not 16. In fairness to the "opposition" -- read on:

DEAR ABBY: I was impressed with your advice to the mother of the 22-year-old who wanted a motorcycle. I was also pleased to read your closing line, " ... pray that your son will be one of the thousands of motorcyclists who ride safely." Bravo for you, Abby! While motorcycling can pose greater risks than driving a car, for example, thousands DO ride safely every day. Your reader's son took the first step by enrolling in a motorcycle safety course. By learning to identify your risks, you can also learn to avoid them.

The American Motorcyclist Association (AMA), motorcycling's largest organization and lobbying group, strongly recommends and supports safety training for enthusiasts of all abilities. The Motorcycle Safety Foundation (MSF) provides or sanctions training classes in all 50 states; the (unofficial) motto is "minimize the risk/maximize the fun."

For information on the AMA or locating MSF courses, readers may call 1-800-262-5646. Thank you again for dispensing such thoughtful and open-minded advice. -- ERIK NOTTLESON, AMA LIFE MEMBER, JAMAICA PLAIN, MASS.

DEAR ERIK: I'm printing your letter so that all who are determined to engage in this risky pastime can, at least, prepare themselves as well as possible to avoid injury.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Although your column is often a trouble-dump, may I share some good news? Our son was a troubled teen with behavioral problems. He dropped out of school and hung out with a very rough crowd. We tried everything we could to steer him in the right direction; nothing worked -- until we found Job Corps. We were thrilled to find an alternative to a boot-camp program. After a rocky start, our son is now succeeding. He is learning to be a welder and is close to getting his high school diploma.

The Job Corps is run by the U.S. Department of Labor and provides education and training for qualified youth, ages 16 through 24. Our son lives in a dorm supervised by counselors. He rises at 5:45 a.m. (a huge adjustment!). He has a structured day -- performing chores, attending academic and job-training classes, and afterward playing basketball or seeing a movie.

Abby, please inform other parents and young adults about the Job Corps. It has been a godsend for our son, and for us. -- PROUD PARENTS IN COLORADO

DEAR PROUD PARENTS: Thousands of young men and women have benefited from Job Corps. I urge anyone interested in Job Corps to call 1-800-733-5627 and speak to a counselor.

Students in Job Corps live and learn in a safe environment -- with "zero tolerance" for violence and drugs.

DEAR ABBY: You replied to a funeral director: "The answer lies in being informed consumers, facing the fact of our mortality, and perhaps taking care of the details before the need arises. An important part of that process is being open with one's family about what one's wishes are, and what arrangements have been made."

Well, Abby, I am a realist and have faced the fact of my mortality. I have a will, a durable power of attorney for health-care decisions, and a general power of attorney in case I become mentally impaired.

I have designated my only child, a daughter, to carry out these decisions. When I try to talk to her about my affairs after my death, she says she just can't talk to me about such things. She is very squeamish about the whole subject. She is married to a lawyer, and they don't even have a will. Trying to tell my family my wishes hasn't seemed to work. Do you have another suggestion for me? -- FRESNO, CALIF.

DEAR FRESNO: Yes. Face it, you can't count on your daughter to carry out your wishes. Consider appointing your attorney as your executor, make sure your doctors are aware of your health-care decisions, and find someone else -- a close friend, perhaps -- to name in your power of attorney documents. Your daughter is too emotional to be up to the task you've assigned her.

DEAR ABBY: I was recently trying to decide why my parents and in-laws seemed younger than some of my contemporaries, and then I realized: "You know you're getting older when you spend more time talking about what you did than what you're going to do." -- ROLF BOLSTAD, MINNEAPOLIS

DEAR ROLF: I agree. You're less likely to stumble if you're facing forward, not looking back over your shoulder.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)