DEAR ABBY: I am a divorced mother with a 3 1/2-year-old son who visits his father on weekends. My son is taking swimming lessons, but as of now does not know how to swim. Six months ago, his father moved to a house with an unfenced swimming pool. My ex has promised for months to put up a fence; it hasn't happened. I've even offered to pay for it.

Also, my sister takes care of my son once in a while. She lives in a home with a swimming pool that is fenced -- but she keeps the gate open! Her reason is that her two girls, ages 4 and 5, know how to swim.

I worry that my ex or my sister won't properly supervise my son, and he will fall unnoticed into their swimming pools. Have I a right to be concerned or am I overreacting? -- CONCERNED MOM IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR CONCERNED MOM: You describe an accident waiting to happen. Your ex and sister are ignorant about the safety of your child, so it is up to you to see that he is kept out of harm's way.

Do not allow him to visit either of them until you are confident he can swim. Even then, insist that your ex have the pool fenced, and your sister keep the gate closed and locked when your son is visiting -- unless an adult is present at the pool. Until your son is older and more sure of himself, make certain he wears an inflated safety jacket whenever he is around any swimming pool, so he will be able to keep his head above water should he fall in.

DEAR ABBY: I've noticed that some of your readers have been discussing the "value" of our seniors. As an assisted-living administrator, I feel compelled to send this message to the children of our seniors.

You have NOT become your parent's parent. You do NOT have autonomy when it comes to decisions about your parents' lives. What you do have is the obligation to assist your parent in making informed, appropriate choices. This means when your parent needs help with anything from finances to daily care, you gather information and then discuss the choices with your parents. Then, as a family, you arrive at decisions -- but your parents have the final say.

Even people who have memory problems, such as early-stage dementia or Alzheimer's disease, retain some ability to provide input into decisions regarding their care and living arrangements.

If you have a parent's power of attorney, you can make financial decisions. Period. You cannot "sign" them into a nursing home, assisted-living facility or rehabilitation center. You may do that only if you have been appointed their "legal guardian" or have their "health care proxy," and their MD certifies in writing that they are no longer able to participate in making decisions regarding their care.

For those with aging parents, my message is that you AND your parent should start visiting independent and assisted-living homes, rehabilitation centers and nursing homes. Gather as much information as possible. Sit down with Mom or Dad and discuss scenarios that "could" happen -- such as memory loss, hip fracture, etc. Helping your parents make choices in advance will prevent decisions made from panic, instead of logic.

Our biggest fear is of the unknown. Our seniors have earned the right not to worry, "What will happen if I can't take care of myself anymore?" They deserve the right to make that choice for themselves. -- ADVOCATE FOR OUR SENIORS

DEAR ADVOCATE: I agree. Mentally competent seniors have the right to choose where they live, where they get medical treatment and how they spend their money.

They may have slowed down a bit -- and frustrate their adult children -- but they are functional adults who deserve to be respected.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Let me tell you about a wonderfully rewarding experience I was involved in this past year. I began dancing when I was 3. Now, at age 20, I am sharing my love for the art of dance through teaching. The owner of the studio, my second mother, Joanne Zavisa, was approached to participate in a unique project. We began a free class on Saturday afternoons for children with sensory deprivation disorder.

The children with whom we worked face a variety of challenges. Some of them cannot speak; some have a short attention span or cannot function in a regular classroom. All these children work with sensory therapists on a daily or weekly basis.

In our dance class, the children learned movements and exercises that involved every part of their bodies, and even learned to perform two dances with songs they could sing. It was amazing to see them progress from the first day to their performance. They seemed like a completely different set of kids.

This would not have been possible if we had not enlisted the help of some of the students at the studio. Dancers from the ages of 11 to 17 donated their Saturday afternoons for more than three months to give those special children an unforgettable experience. The only rewards these young volunteers received were the thanks of the parents and the knowledge they had been important in the life of a child.

You often print letters about acts of kindness. Those kids deserve to know how proud of them Joanne and I are. -- JULIE FURR, CANTON, MICH.

DEAR JULIE AND JOANNE: I'm pleased to print your upbeat, heartwarming letter -- and I join you in applauding your student activists. Yours was a program that benefited everyone involved, and it illustrates what a powerful force motivated young adults can be. You have every right to be proud.

DEAR ABBY: Thank you for the letter you printed saluting military wives and husbands. I, too, am thankful for the dedicated men and women in our armed forces, and for the camaraderie of military families who support each other.

I am also pleased that the armed services have finally realized that the men and women in the services are better soldiers, sailors and Marines when their families are taken care of and watched over.

Nowadays, most military bases have family support organizations that help in these areas, and caring commanders see to it that they are manned and properly working.

A humorous incident occurred when my husband retired from the Air Force some 30 years ago. His commander also gave me a certificate of retirement. As he read the citation, "... devoted, dedicated, unselfish, unwavering ... UNFAITHFUL ... service ..." the entire division erupted with laughter. A red-faced colonel apologized, but it was a day I remember with great amusement. -- BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, COLUMBUS, MISS.

DEAR BTDT: That's why the first rule of public speaking is to never let your mind wander -- even for an instant.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Last month, your column carried a letter about people receiving advertisements for weight-loss products with supposedly "personal" Post-It notes attached, advising the recipient to "Try it, it works!" The notes are never signed with more than an initial. I immediately wrote to thank you for running that letter because I received one of those ads two years ago, and it was hurtful.

Would you believe yet another one of those ads arrived in the mail yesterday? This time it is for a product that will purportedly ignite a man's sexual performance, but the Post-It was omitted. Written in ballpoint pen in the margin was the same little message, signed with the initial "R." Am I supposed to know who "R" is?

What makes this latest mailing laughable is that I am an 86-year-old single woman who has been without a mate for almost 12 years. What do I need this for?

The advertisement featured a picture of a man who is supposed to be a doctor, and a California postmark -- but, of course, no return address. So much for this "amazing formula ... a magical combination of the world's most potent and scientifically documented male sexual restorers."

Dare I hope that you can give this topic more publicity so these ridiculous ads will stop? -- CONCERNED IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR CONCERNED: Thank you for sending me the ad. The text reminded me of a bodice-ripper novel. What a hoot!

Things that seem too good to be true often are too good to be true. Therefore, I don't recommend "miracle" products. I don't know whether this one will work or not; however, the one thing that product is sure to "inflate" is the manufacturer's bank balance.

DEAR ABBY: My wife of 57 years, who suffered from Alzheimer's disease, is gone now. I was her caretaker until the day before she passed away. Sometimes she would do things that made me angry and I would raise my voice to her. I knew she was not responsible for her actions.

How I wish that instead of raising my voice, I had given her a big hug and told her, "It's all right." I will regret to my dying day that I didn't show her more love and compassion.

Abby, had I known then how I would feel now, I would have hugged her from the time she woke up until she went to sleep. I would like to tell all those who have a partner or a loved one who is incapacitated to love them and adore them even if they don't appear to respond to your love. Please don't wait until it's too late. -- BROKENHEARTED HUSBAND

DEAR BROKENHEARTED: Caring for a loved one who cannot give back is bound to try anyone's patience. You are only human with limited emotional resources, and that you occasionally raised your voice is not unforgivable. Please forgive yourself. I'm sure your love overshadowed your lapses. You showed her your love by caring for her steadfastly and apparently lovingly.

Today, it is understood that full-time caregiving can stress people to the breaking point, and caregivers are encouraged to take a break now and then to replenish their souls. Caregivers can be more effective if they can get away for a rest. Services to caregivers are available; the Alzheimer's Association is an excellent resource.

Perhaps others who are now in the situation you were in could benefit from your experience. You might consider volunteering with your local Alzheimer's group.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)