DEAR ABBY: My daughter and son-in-law earn twice as much as my wife and I do. They insist that we visit them each year in California. My wife and I both have arthritis and find a heated pool therapeutic. They have a swimming pool, but they expect us to pay to heat it when we visit.

This is embarrassing because my three stepdaughters never expect us to pay for anything when we visit them, and we never ask our children to pay for anything when they visit in our home. Last year, my son who lives in Ohio paid to have his sister's pool heated while we were visiting in California.

Should we refuse to pay to heat my daughter's pool or keep our mouths shut and ante up? -- "HEATED" DAD IN MICHIGAN

DEAR "HEATED" DAD: It costs more to live in some areas of the country than others. Although your daughter and her husband earn twice as much as you do, their living expenses may be greater than yours, and it's possible their budget won't stretch to include heating the swimming pool.

If you haven't done so already, discuss this problem calmly with your daughter to determine if there is a reason for their request. Should you find their budget cannot accommodate heating the pool for you, ante up without complaining. If it causes you financial hardship, shorten your visits.

A word of caution: It never works in anyone's favor to compare one child with another, since their financial realities could be entirely different -- and comparisons could create hurt feelings.

DEAR ABBY: I was recently named executor and sole beneficiary of the estate of a dear relative who passed away. One of my cousins had the nerve to contact the attorney for the estate and demand to know why she hadn't received her inheritance.

Please, let me share a few "truths" that may save a lot of time, expense and hurt feelings for other families:

1. People of sound mind have the right to disburse their assets the way they choose.

2. No one owes anyone anything at the time of death (beyond paying personal debts, and final medical and funeral expenses).

3. An inheritance is a gift, not an obligation.

4. If your name is not on the list of beneficiaries, the deceased obviously had his or her reasons not to leave you anything.

If you loved and cared about the person who died, you will always have beautiful memories to treasure -- and in the end, isn't that what really matters? -- BLESSED IN IOWA

DEAR BLESSED: Your letter reminds me of a quotation by Henry Fielding (1707-1754): "If you make money your god, it will plague you like the devil."

WORTH SHARING: "The age of a person doesn't mean a thing. The best music is played on the oldest violins." -- Jesse Andrews (submitted by Herman M. Katz, Sierra Vista, Ariz.)

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I can't believe that "Sleepless in New Jersey" complained because her husband woke her at 4 a.m. to say goodbye before leaving for work.

My husband also gets up at 4 a.m., but I am right by his side -- fixing his breakfast, packing his lunch, kissing him goodbye, making sure he starts his day off right. A hassle? Sure it is, but I do it because my husband sacrifices for our family each day by working at a job that requires him to get up early so I can stay at home with the children.

I have three young children to take care of, a home-based business and many other things I give my all to each day. I am sometimes tired and do occasionally nap. My husband is able to come back in the afternoon, and the rest of the day is family time.

It sounds to me as though "Sleepless's" husband is doing anything he can to make her pay some attention to him. Any book on divorce will tell her that if she doesn't fulfill her husband's needs, he'll find someone who will. She may find that if she thinks less of herself and puts forth more effort for her husband, she may no longer need separate bedrooms. -- HAS A GREAT MARRIAGE IN INDIANA

DEAR GREAT MARRIAGE: I received a slew of mail regarding that letter, and reactions to it were all over the map. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: "Sleepless" should thank God she has a husband to "disturb" her at 4 a.m. to offer a loving goodbye. How I wish I could be disturbed once more. My husband, my love, was robbed and shot to death at our family business last Feb. 23 at 6:10 a.m. It happened right after he telephoned me to say, "I just called to tell you how much I love you."

You don't know what you will miss until it is taken from you. You may print my name. -- CAROLYN IVEY, MARION, ALA.

DEAR CAROLYN: Please accept my deepest sympathy for your tragic loss. My heart is with you. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: "Sleepless" said she and her husband have separate bedrooms because his snoring keeps her awake. My husband is also a snorer. He has sleep apnea. Our saving grace is a breathing machine (CPAP) that allows him to get enough air. Yes, it makes a bit of noise -- nothing like snoring -- and is a bit unromantic. But we've adapted, and we both get a good night's sleep. I suggest her husband check with his doctor. -- CHARI IN OCEANSIDE, CALIF.

DEAR CHARI: An excellent suggestion. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: My husband of 21 years snored loudly, too. We had separate beds, and he always left for work without breakfast or a kiss from me. Today he shares his life with another woman -- his new wife. He had minor surgery to correct the snoring and lost some weight. He's a happy, healthy man.

For all those women who feel inconvenienced by their husband's needs or minor flaws, I have three suggestions: (1) Prepare to support yourself financially; (2) remind yourself not to miss a man's love, touch and companionship; and (3) send him my way. I'll take him! -- READER IN CLEVES, OHIO

DEAR ABBY: "Sleepless" needs to get a grip! If she feels she's abused, tell her to talk to a battered woman. -- HACKENSACK, N.J.

DEAR ABBY: Tell "Sleepless" to purchase a night-light so her husband can see her when he kisses her.

I wonder who the "abuser" in that marriage really is. Didn't she say she locked him out of the bedroom so he wouldn't wake her? -- AWAKE AND IN LOVE IN ILLINOIS

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Please reprint the article about abdominal aortic aneurysms (AAA) that appeared in May 1997. It saved my life. My internist had told me I didn't have AAA. However, after reading your column, I insisted on having a sonogram. Much to my doctor's surprise -- there it was. Surgery was performed May 2 of last year. I am fine, thanks to you. -- JOAN FELLA, HUNTINGDON VALLEY, PA.

DEAR JOAN: I'm pleased to reprint it. After that column appeared, I received several letters similar to yours. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Two years ago, my husband's sister had a sonogram to check for a possible gynecological problem. What the doctor discovered was an abdominal aortic aneurysm that was large enough for mandatory surgery.

Her doctor told her to notify any siblings that they, too, should have a sonogram. The unexpected result of my husband's examination stunned us all. Bill, too, had an abdominal aortic aneurysm!

Bill was monitored for one year, until the aneurysm surged significantly. The operation followed a month later. The doctor's insight about the genetic factor probably saved Bill's life.

Please, Abby, inform your readers that aortic aneurysms are hereditary. If a parent or sibling has had one, then all siblings and offspring should be examined. We have been advised that our son must be tested when he reaches age 50 and should continue to have a sonogram every five years thereafter.

The cause of aneurysms is unknown, although several risk factors -- notably hypertension, smoking and atherosclerosis -- could possibly contribute to their development and growth. They have been found to occur more frequently in males than in females. Abdominal aortic aneurysms are silent and usually deadly if not discovered before they rupture. Ruptures are preventable with continued use of ultrasonography and CT scanning.

I hope my letter will be a red alert to anyone whose family has a history of aneurysms. Check with your doctor. Don't put it off! And physicians who are unaware of this should consider including "family history of aneurysms" on their new patient forms. It could save lives. -- BARBARA AND BILL GOLDSMITH, SAVANNAH, GA.

DEAR BARBARA AND BILL: I'm sure your warning will serve as a wake-up call to anyone who has a family history of aortic aneurysms. And another plus is the fact that the test is painless and non-invasive. Thank you for a letter that is sure to be a lifesaver.

DEAR ABBY: A group of women have played cards for more than 30 years. We play for money and have a jackpot for the person with the lowest score at the end of six games.

The last couple of years -- or maybe longer -- one lady seems to win the jackpot quite often. At the end of every game, we count our own cards, and this one lady keeps score. Most of us know she gives us the wrong count in order to win. She has been given a few "hints."

Should we make new rules and have all the players show their cards? It seems a shame after all these years of enjoying the game. Please advise. -- PUT OUT IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR PUT OUT: That's one way to "deal" with it. Another idea might be for the players to pass their cards to the person on the right to be tallied.

Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)