DEAR ABBY: My mother is married for the second time. They were married when I was 14. A year later, she discovered he'd had an incestuous relationship with both of his daughters from the age of 5 until the oldest went to college and the second girl was 14 or 15. The relationship with the second daughter ended six months before he married my mom. Mother forgave him, and we all went to counseling.

I'm 29 now, with a 7-year-old daughter. We see them only on holidays. My mother doesn't understand why my daughter can't go to their home without me or my husband. My daughter is asking why she doesn't get to see Grandma or spend the night when Grandma asks. Should I tell her why? Is she old enough to understand? My mother has threatened to take me to court for "grandparent rights." What do I do? -- SUSAN IN LUBBOCK, TEXAS

DEAR SUSAN: Your daughter is old enough to be told the difference between appropriate and inappropriate touching, and she should report to you any behavior that makes her "uncomfortable."

Under no circumstances should your little girl spend time at your mother's house without supervision. If your mother threatens to take you to court for "grandparent rights" again, tell her that you will discuss her husband's history of incestuous behavior with the judge. That should be the end of it.

DEAR ABBY: In March, my son was involved in a serious auto accident. "Ruth," my best friend for almost 30 years, went to visit him at my father's house. Dad later told me that while she was there, she badmouthed me, my husband and our other children. She also talked about our finances.

I feel so betrayed by Ruth that I'm not sure I'll ever want anything to do with her again. Abby, Ruth and I had been friends since high school. We shared our most intimate secrets over the years. I would never have discussed her personal business with my family, and I'm hurt that she disclosed mine.

She was the only person other than my husband that I trusted with my innermost feelings. Should I write her off or should I confront her? -- BETRAYED IN INDIANA

DEAR BETRAYED: I hope your son has recovered from his automobile accident.

Before writing off such a long friendship, talk to Ruth and give her a chance to explain. If her reasons for revealing the secrets make sense, give her another chance. However, should you discover a malicious streak in your old friend, say farewell to her.

DEAR ABBY: My 67-year-old husband has taken up with a 45-year-old married woman. We live in a small town, and of course everybody knows about it.

As I see it, I have two options. The first is to maintain the status quo and pretend all is well for the benefit of friends, family, children and grandchildren.

The second option is to sue him for divorce and clean his clock. I have all the evidence I need -- credit card receipts, motel records and eyewitnesses. Perhaps he won't be so darn "charming" without his money.

I could also sue her for "assault on a marriage," which I saw on TV the other evening.

Can you think of any other options? -- TRYING TO DECIDE

DEAR TRYING: Offer your philandering husband the option of healing the marriage. If he refuses to end the affair and join you in marriage counseling, consult a lawyer about your other options.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am one of your male readers, and this is the first time in 30 years of reading you that I have written. You were right to tell the woman who ran up $17,000 in debt to tell her husband, but you missed an important point. He sounds like my son-in-law, someone who has ignored his fiscal responsibilities in his marriage.

The husband may be the breadwinner, but he acts more like a teen-ager who turns his earnings over to the family and accepts an allowance. He has been hiding his head in a bucket of sand, but unless she arranges the "telling" in the company of someone he respects, he will lay all the blame on her. That third party should be prepared to lay it on him a little. Didn't he ever look at a bank statement or a credit card bill?

That woman may have a big problem, but her husband's is just as large or larger. -- P.S. IN FLORIDA

DEAR P.S.: That letter generated mail from both sexes. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I thought your reply to "Drowning in Debt" was amazing. No wonder there's so much credit card debt in this country, when people like you use the existence of the whole credit card problem to justify the overspending of the individual, i.e. "everybody else does it."

Your advice should have been short and simple: Tell your husband immediately, pay off the debt, and live within your income by living without what you cannot afford. When the debts are paid off, put into savings the amount you had been paying on debt reduction.

Judging from the lady's whining, I imagine she considers herself a victim in our new society of victims. -- LUCKY SHE'S NOT MY WIFE IN LOUISIANA

DEAR LUCKY: I told her to tell her husband and that, with the assistance of credit counseling, they could resolve this problem. I did not feel that laying more of a guilt trip on her than she was already feeling would be constructive or helpful. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: My wife also took care of the bill-paying for the better part of 41 years. Only when she passed away did I discover how deeply in debt we were. To this day I regret not keeping a closer eye on our checkbook.

Your advice to "Drowning" was outstanding, but should include the husband. After all, he undoubtedly helped incur some of the debts. He should be willing to work with his wife to pay them off. It takes two to tango. -- SMART TOO LATE IN TENNESSEE

DEAR SMART TOO LATE: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your wife. I agree that it takes two to tango. It's sad, but some couples find it harder to talk about money than they do about sex. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I applaud you for recommending that "Drowning" contact the National Foundation for Credit Counseling. The staff is wonderful, caring and helpful. The biggest problem some people have is admitting to a stranger that they have failed. But once you do, the counseling service helps you get through the rough times and on to financial freedom. Thanks again, Abby, for sharing information about that wonderful program with the public. -- CONSUMER CREDIT GRADUATE, SAN BERNARDINO, CALIF.

DEAR GRADUATE: You're welcome!

Readers, if you missed the column with the telephone number and Web address for the National Foundation for Credit Counseling, they are: (800) 388-2227 and www.nfcc.org.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Please do your readers a service by cautioning them to phone the Better Business Bureau whenever they receive a "great" offer they are considering accepting.

I received a notice from a legitimate-sounding credit card company ("member of FDIC") in Scottsdale, Ariz., saying that I was "pre-approved" for a secured credit card. They asked that I send a check for $99, and they would issue a credit card with a limit of $500. That was exciting because my finances are in a state of disarray. I don't get many of these kinds of offers.

I phoned the credit card company and asked how long it would take to receive the new card. The response was "six weeks." That seemed rather long, and my intuition told me to phone the Better Business Bureau in Scottsdale. I was informed the bureau has a file with pages and pages of complaints against this company.

Please inform your readers that a phone call to the BBB may not only save them money, but prevent grief and a great deal of wasted time as well. -- A FRIEND IN FLORIDA

DEAR FRIEND: Better Business Bureaus are located in most major cities in the United States. They were one of the first consumer "watchdog" organizations. The bureaus provide consumer education materials, answer questions, provide information about businesses -- i.e. whether there are unanswered or unsettled complaints or other marketplace problems -- and help resolve buyer/seller complaints against a business, including mediation and arbitration services. They also have information about charities and other organizations seeking public donations.

BBBs that provide information via 1-900 telephone numbers charge a nominal fee for their services; some offices charge a flat fee and require a major credit card to access information. The BBB Web site can be accessed at www.bbb.org for consumer fraud and scam alerts, and information about BBB programs, services and locations.

DEAR ABBY: I kissed a married man. Actually, it went beyond just kissing. I have just turned 19, and he's 30 and has a baby on the way.

Abby, I didn't sleep with him -- but we went pretty far. We both wanted it to happen, but I still feel guilty.

I have liked this guy for four years. I was, and probably still am, too young for him. What should I be doing about this situation now? I don't see him often, but when I do, we fool around. What do you think this guy is thinking? -- "BUNNY" IN INDIANA

DEAR "BUNNY": This guy is thinking, "Here's an 'easy' girl I can get some action from without any commitment." That means no love, no respect -- zero on your balance sheet. He gets a quick thrill while you get a few moments of pleasure -- and plenty of risks.

You feel guilty because you know he is married to another woman who can't compete with you right now. Listen to your conscience and stop playing around with him. You're risking an emotional involvement with a man who has proved he cannot be faithful, a pregnancy with more responsibility than you can handle, and a social disease from someone who's probably playing around with more "other women" than you.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)