DEAR ABBY: My letter is in response to "Hurt in Pennsylvania," who wanted her daughter judged on her merits rather than on her Down syndrome.

I, too, am a mother of a daughter with Down syndrome, and I felt bad for "Hurt" -- not because her daughter has Down syndrome, but because she failed to recognize those who were obviously attempting to empathize with her, and she is reacting with disdain. I felt bad that your response to her was that her letter "said it very well," because I don't share your view. It is not easy to accept a disability in any child. Down syndrome children ARE similar in many respects; however, that doesn't take away from their individualism. "They" ARE "all so sweet"!

Most people are afraid of the unknown, and when people try to ease someone's pain or "grieving" (as she put it), they shouldn't be alluded to as "insensitive jerks." Our tolerance for others should not be conditional on our own inability to cope. Perhaps it helps others deal with their obvious discomfort to "share their experiences with individuals who have Down syndrome." I, for one, am grateful for all the many people who come forward and offer their love and support since our daughter's birth, even when the attempts are less than perfect.

My daughter is now 19, has graduated from high school and holds a job. There are still difficult things to deal with, but she has affected more people's lives for good than I would have ever dreamed. -- ANNA'S MOM, DIANN STEWART, LAS VEGAS

DEAR DIANN: I'm pleased that your daughter, Anna, has achieved her many successes. However, the message that "Hurt" was trying to deliver is that it's rude to discuss someone's disability during a casual encounter. I printed her letter because I hoped it would cause people to think about how such comments might be received. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: "Hurt in Pennsylvania" should be grateful her daughter wasn't born in the '40s, as was my brother -- who is 52 this year and doing just fine, thank you. She is fortunate she has not had people ostracize her for having a "ruined" child, as my parents did. A "Christian" minister to whom they had gone for counseling actually told them they had given birth to this "Mongoloid" boy because they had sinned! Other mothers wouldn't let their children play with my brother and me for fear they would "catch it."

We were an Air Force family, and in the '50s we were accosted on the street in Wiesbaden, Germany, by a man who told us he didn't want to see this "abomination" on the public streets, and we should immediately have my brother put away! (Well, at least he didn't say "put down"!)

In high school and college, I was told by young men that they would date me, but not to expect anything further (like love and marriage), because they didn't want "retards" for children.

People like me and my family have worked for the last 50 years to educate the public, and if I am approached by well-meaning folks when I'm out with my brother, they are received politely and are liable to get a brief lecture on Down syndrome, along with the fact that, as far as science can tell, it is a tragic genetic accident, and NOT hereditary. -- CHERI THROOP, FORT WORTH, TEXAS

DEAR CHERI: I hope that during the last three decades the public has learned enough about Down syndrome that no other family has to experience the pain that yours (and I am sure many others) did because of ignorance.

For those interested in learning more about Down syndrome, the National Down Syndrome Society Web page is at www.ndss.org.

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DEAR ABBY: The letters you have printed from men and women in the Armed Forces reminded me of an experience I would like to share.

My husband is in the service. One day last fall, we made a quick stop on our way to a formal Marine Corps event. As we walked through the store, many people looked at my husband in his dress blues. One woman approached and thanked him for what he does and the sacrifices he makes. She said her husband was in the Army for many years and that he now rests in Arlington Cemetery. Then she thanked ME and said she understood what a difficult job I had being his wife.

My husband and I walked away touched by the sincerity in her words. I will never forget her, not only because she took the initiative to thank my husband, but because she also recognized a large group of people who are usually overlooked: the spouses.

To all of those other military wives (and husbands) out there: You are appreciated! All of you who faithfully wait for reunions, who have lost count of the tearful goodbyes, those who sleep in empty beds that suddenly seem so large, who comfort the children because they miss Dad or Mom, and those afraid to leave the house because they might miss that weekly phone call from thousands of miles away.

Thanks to all who, like my husband, leave their loved ones for sometimes months at a time and wipe the tears as they go. Thanks to all of those who share my job of supporting their spouses over the miles and keeping them strong.

And last, thank you, Abby, for shedding light on this subject. A lot of hard work and heartache go with being involved in the service. These men and women deserve our thanks. -- PROUD AND LOVING WIFE IN GEORGIA

DEAR PROUD: You have a right to be proud. My hat is off to the families of our servicemen and women, because the home fires often require a lot of stoking and the task falls upon them. Your letter reminds me of a quotation first uttered by John Milton: "They also serve who only stand and wait."

DEAR ABBY: I was touched by the letter you printed from Ula Pendleton, the retired teacher from Westminster High School in Los Angeles, who received praise from a student years after she had taught him. How wonderful for her to know the fruit of her labor.

Teachers are truly the unsung heroes of our lives. No, I'm not a teacher, but I know many teachers, and I always tell them, "I could never do what you do." Most of them labor at an incredibly tough job for years and may never know the results of their work.

As an ER nurse, I, too, have a tough job. However, I can see the results of my efforts -- mostly positive -- on a daily basis. Not so for most teachers, who face many obstacles and may not know if they have made a difference. They deserve our highest praise. -- B.O.G., BASS LAKE, CALIF.

DEAR B.O.G.: I agree. I have received many letters from readers praising their former teachers -- usually because the teachers were fair-minded, caring, and helped their students master a subject.

Teaching is an art, and I, too, admire those gifted individuals in the field of education who have made a positive difference in the lives of their students.

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DEAR ABBY: Please help! I caught my 11-year-old son sneaking in my bedroom going through my husband's drawers, and he found a Penthouse magazine. (The only one in our house, I might add.) My husband and I are both extremely upset over this, but don't know how to handle it. First, my son has lost our trust by going through our room when we weren't home, and second, he lied about it. Lastly, we are concerned that he was exposed to that kind of material. There was much more in that magazine than anyone should see.

I feel that our son has lost his innocence, and my husband and I are both distraught at the thought of it. How do you punish a child for this? I understand the curiosity -- his class is in the middle of "family life experiences" this week. My son is generally a good kid, other than the fact that when he does something wrong, he tends to lie his way through it.

Please help or advise any way you can. -- UPSET IN ALEXANDRIA, VA.

DEAR UPSET: It's important not to overreact. Your boy is becoming a man, and his curiosity is normal. Use this experience as an opportunity to open the lines of communication. If his father hasn't already had that "father-son" chat with him, Dad had better hurry, because it is overdue.

In a week or two, in a nonconfrontational manner, point out to your son that just as you respect his privacy, you expect him to respect yours. And that means not rummaging through your personal effects. In the future, keep items that are "private" in a locked cabinet or closet.

Lest you think you're the only parents with this problem, read on for one that arrived the same day as yours:

DEAR ABBY: I had a collection of Playboy magazines in a sealed box in our attic. One day while putting something in the attic, I noticed that the tape had been removed from the box and someone had gone through my magazines. I brought this to the attention of my wife. She recalled that my 8-year-old son had been in the attic recently.

I went upstairs to his bedroom and asked him if he had been in the attic and had removed the tape from a box that held some magazines. I told him that all I wanted was a truthful answer. I told him that when he answered, I would know if he was telling me the truth. He asked, "Dad, how can you tell?"

I replied, "After you answer, I'll ask you to stick out your tongue. If you're not truthful, your tongue will have spots on it." Then I asked him if he had removed the tape from the box in the attic. He replied, "No."

I said, "Stick out your tongue."

After he did, I said, "Uh-oh!"

He stood there looking up at me with his hands on his hips and said, "Dad, that was from the LAST time." -- B.W. IN HURON, OHIO

DEAR ABBY: Last year, my boyfriend's parents gave me a large, expensively matted and framed picture of him and me for my birthday. Our relationship ended several months ago, and I am debating whether it would be appropriate to return the picture. It has been sitting in the closet since we broke up.

Should I return the picture to his parents, or to my former boyfriend? -- OUT OF THE PICTURE IN INDIANA

DEAR OUT OF THE PICTURE: Write the parents a sweet note and ask them if they want the picture returned. If they don't, you can always use the frame if someone new enters the picture.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)