DEAR ABBY: Mother's Day always brings back memories of an incident that happened three years ago.

For the past several years, after attending church on Sunday, my wife and I have stopped for lunch at a Chinese restaurant. We have become acquainted with a young man who works there. He escaped from Vietnam with his family in a rickety old boat when he was very small.

Our daughter, who lives in Dallas, had sent my wife a beautiful Mother's Day corsage to wear to church as an expression of her love. The young waiter exclaimed how beautiful the flower was, and asked if it was for a special occasion.

We explained that in the United States, on this particular day children often send their mothers flowers as a token of appreciation, honoring their motherhood. The young man said they did not have this custom in Vietnam, but that he thought it was appropriate.

He left our table, then returned a few minutes later. He stood there looking embarrassed, then hesitantly said, "I think this tradition of honoring your mother on a special day is wonderful. Please allow me to pay for your meal today in honor of my mother, who suffered so many hardships in our small boat when we escaped from our homeland to the internment camp in Singapore."

My wife and I sat in silence for a few moments. Then, with tears in her eyes, my wife told him we would be honored to accept his gracious offer.

Now on the day set aside to honor mothers, we cherish not only the memory of our own mothers, but also the memory of this remarkable Vietnamese mother we have never met. -- JIM ISBELL, FORT WORTH, TEXAS

DEAR JIM: Your letter brought tears to my eyes, and I'm sure its inspirational message will move many other readers. Thank you for sharing this lovely memory.

DEAR ABBY: This is in response to letters you have printed about handling obscene phone calls. I would like to share one of my experiences, as well.

Several years ago, I had a caller who was saying the most disgusting things over the phone. When I refused to answer, my machine picked up the call, and he continued the obscenities. Finally, I dialed star-69, and he answered. I asked him if he knew who I was. He replied, "No." I then informed him that I was the woman he had been calling all morning, that his phone number was on my bill, and if he called one more time, I would have him arrested. He never called back. -- FREE FROM HARASSMENT IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR FREE: Three cheers for star-69 -- which is a telephone company add-on feature that allows you to dial your last caller. You're a quick thinker.

DERA ABBY: What should we give my son's teachers at the end of the school year? They've been terrific, but I've run out of ideas.

What would you or your readers suggest? -- A PARENT IN OREGON

DEAR PARENT: Teachers may already have drawers full of scarves, ties and stationery from previous years, so when in doubt, ask them what they would like. If the classroom has been short on supplies, consider giving them much-needed items such as pencils, construction paper and art supplies.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I was an only child. I am 53 years old and have been married 33 years. All my life, my mother told me never to tell my maternal grandmother when our family had plans, because she would always "get sick" and spoil everything. For several months, my husband and I have been looking forward to a vacation in a cabin in the mountains. We have not had one mainly because of the illness and death of our son.

My mother has scheduled back surgery three days before our vacation. She had three choices, but selected that day. She keeps telling me not to cancel my vacation, but I know I will pay dearly if I don't. I will never hear the end of it.

We really need this time away. My husband cares for his invalid mother on a daily basis, and I have a very stressful job. We could use this time to gather our wits about us.

Should I cancel our plans and accept what I know is my responsibility, or go ahead and take a vacation and "face the music"? -- TORN IN KENTUCKY

DEAR TORN: Take the vacation you and your husband so sorely need. If your mother tries to lay a guilt trip on you when you return, don't take the bait. Calmly point out that she chose the date for her operation knowing when you were leaving, and she had other options.

If this sounds harsh, forgive me, but you must take care of yourself first, and your reasons for going are compelling.

DEAR ABBY: I am furious at "Lesson Learned in Florida," who thought marrying a "relative stranger" for the sake of his child was a mistake! How about sleeping with a "relative stranger" for the sake of physical pleasure? I guess that part didn't bother him as much.

And the divorce was painful and traumatic for him? How about the quality of life for a little girl who must struggle with two selfish, irresponsible parents who have joint custody? How about the confusion and turmoil of straddling two homes? Now that WILL be traumatic for an innocent little victim of his bad behavior.

For those who haven't made these foolish and unfortunate mistakes yet, take this advice: Don't marry strangers, but don't sleep with strangers, either. Keep your pants zipped until you know and love your chosen mate. The result will be that a planned and wanted child will be raised in a home where married people love and care for each other. -- MELISSA ATTINOTO, ORION, MICH.

DEAR MELISSA: I agree that it's irresponsible to sleep with strangers. It is even more irresponsible to have sexual relations without protection. Both the man and the woman risked a possibly life-threatening, sexually transmitted disease, as well as an unplanned pregnancy.

However, not all children of divorce are traumatized by "straddling two homes," as long as each home is filled with unconditional love.

CONFIDENTIAL TO "LOST IN LOVE": Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper. (Scottish proverb)

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I would like to share my thoughts regarding the 80-year-old talkaholic. This man's wife needs support. Perhaps the wife could ask for "group support" by inviting listeners to raise their hands so the gentleman knows they have heard his stories before and he is talking too much. He knows what he is doing and is taking unfair advantage of his audience and his age. He is not a fragile old man. He is an abuser. -- DOWN WITH NOISE POLLUTION, LONG BEACH, CALIF.

DEAR DOWN: I strongly disagree. Given the man's age and the description of his behavior, it is possible that he suffers from age-related dementia and is not aware that he is repeating himself. What you're suggesting would not be helpful; it would humiliate him. What's needed is patience, compassion and a medical evaluation. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Speaking as someone who is getting up there in age (today is my 60th birthday), I have taken a different tack regarding older people who ramble on or repeat stories from their youth. I encourage them and listen to them.

There is no reason why a topic should be discussed only once. My foremost reason for doing this is because, when I reach 70, 80 or 90 (if I'm lucky enough to do so), I hope my friends and relatives will be kind enough to be patient with me.

It strikes me that the wife and friends are not very social. They are unkind and selfish, thinking only of themselves. What possible harm can there be in letting older people enjoy themselves and spending a few moments paying attention to them? Someday they'll be gone, and you will wish you had been kinder, more patient and more caring. -- JUST MY 2 CENTS' WORTH, PEMBROKE PINES, FLA.

DEAR 2 CENTS' WORTH: Your 2 cents are among the most valuable I have read on this subject. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I just finished the letter from the wife complaining about her husband who tells the same stories over and over. I recently wrote something that would answer that letter. It is titled "Blow It Away," and you have my permission to print it if you wish.

Wheat, after the harvest, must be thrashed

To separate the chaff from the grain.

The chaff is light and worthless,

And is easily blown away.

The things people say to us

Are a lot like the wheat.

Some of it has truth and value, and

Some of it, like the chaff, is worthless.

Sometimes people will tell the same jokes and stories over and over,

say provocative things, just to get your attention,

quickly overreact to your viewpoints,

always play the devil's advocate, or

just talk and talk and talk.

People usually have a reason for what they say, and

We need to listen carefully, and even

Look behind their words, and between the lines

To separate the chaff from the grain,

Keep what is worthwhile, and

With a quiet, patient understanding,

BLOW THE REST AWAY.

-- PHIL SKARIN

DEAR PHIL: Bravo! Your poem seems to have been inspired by the writing of Maria Mulock Craik, whose poetry has been featured in this column.

Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)