DEAR ABBY: Having read the letter from "Hank in Tacoma" -- who was upset because his sister-in-law had urged his brother "Eric" into therapy and freed him from years of servitude to his family -- I must admit I was surprised that you didn't let Hank and the rest of the family have it!

Apparently Hank feels it is Eric's wife's fault that his brother has found his backbone. How dare Hank and the family make judgments about Eric's wife without even taking Eric up on his offer to join him in counseling sessions to learn more about the changes that are taking place.

Finally, how dare Eric put his children and wife first? Why, Abby, if more spouses put their significant other and children first, perhaps we would have fewer divorces and happier families in this world. -- SUZANNE IN SAN FRANCISCO

P.S. There was one thing I didn't understand in your answer. What did you mean, "Eric has slipped his chain"?

DEAR SUZANNE: Simply put, it means, "freed himself from his shackles." When I wrote the phrase, I was envisioning a dog escaping from his training collar, or choke chain.

That letter generated a ton of response. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: In today's paper I read the letter from "Hank in Tacoma," and I recognize his family!

Hank: Wake up! Your brother Eric is no longer the family doormat.

Hank wrote, "He used to always put his family first, but now he favors his wife and children." Guess what a wife and children are, Hank? That's right, a family -- Eric's family.

Eric is finally a person in his own right, thanks to his insightful wife, and he's probably happier than he has ever been. If he no longer squires your mother around town because Pop "doesn't like those events," perhaps YOU should jump in and volunteer to be the escort now and then. And you might find yourself the favored sibling, the one with all the footprints on his back from "your" family walking all over you! Good luck, Hank, and give my love and admiration to your brother, Eric. -- FORMER DOORMAT IN DELAWARE

DEAR ABBY: Was "Hank in Tacoma" for real? By favoring his wife and children, Eric IS putting his family first. Hooray for the new Eric. He sounds like a healthy adult and good husband and father to boot. -- JACQUELINE M. IN L.A.

DEAR ABBY: Please pass my message on to Eric in Tacoma. Good for you, Eric. You have obviously made some tough but important changes in your life, and you clearly have married well.

As to the family: Too bad Eric won't let you bully him anymore, but don't worry, you'll get over it. If you're lucky, you'll learn to appreciate him and his family. -- PETER R., SAN RAFAEL, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: Regarding the letter from "Hank in Tacoma," whose brother Eric has become more assertive, I have two words for Eric: GO ERIC!!! -- SUSAN S., A FAN FROM TEXAS

CONFIDENTIAL TO STILL CRYING IN SAVANNAH, GA: It takes a friend and an enemy to really hurt you: the enemy to speak ill of you, and the friend to tell you about it.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: This May, my grandmother, Elizabeth Eichelbaum, will receive her Ph.D. in art therapy from the University of Tennessee. At graduation, she will be 90 years old!

Abby, she received her bachelor's degree at age 69 and her master's at age 81. She has been attending classes the last two years in spite of macular degeneration (she is nearly blind).

Grandmother was separated from her mother when she was a small child in Russia. She lived in the czar's palace during the Russian Revolution, but eventually came to America. Some time after coming to this country, she was reunited with her mother.

Our entire family is extremely proud of her accomplishment, and she is an inspiration to all who know her. If you print this letter, it may inspire others to continue their education no matter what stumbling blocks may be in the way. -- DENNIS J. EICHELBAUM, PLANO, TEXAS

DEAR DENNIS: Your grandmother is an amazing woman, and I admire her determination. My heartfelt congratulations to her for her inspiring accomplishment. Readers, Elizabeth has proved it can be done, so what's stopping you? Go back to school if that is your dream.

DEAR ABBY: Would you be willing to inform your readers of the publication of a book of importance to every one of us -- Jessica Mitford's "The American Way of Death Revisited"? This book, a revised edition of a 1963 version, does a tremendous service in informing Americans about the wretched excesses of the funeral industry, into whose hands we all must ultimately fall. It describes in detail the means employed by that industry to separate us from our money just at a point when, through the sorrow and confusion attendant upon a death in the family, we are least prepared to think clearly.

Mitford's book -- which is eminently readable -- is available in a paperback edition for just $14. Every family should have access to it. Every minister should read and act upon it. Every retirement home, church and synagogue library should keep a copy available to loan out to its members. Preplanning (but not prepayment!) for funeral needs, based on the sort of information Ms. Mitford presents, is something every American family should do as soon as possible. -- JOHN B. GABEL, DUBLIN, OHIO

DEAR JOHN: When Jessica Mitford's book, "The American Way of Death," was first printed in 1963, it was a bombshell -- and remained on the best-seller list for a year. Before it was printed, many grieving families would plunge themselves into debt to pay for lavish funerals they could ill afford because they felt that the amount of money that was spent on their final farewell was an indication of how much they loved the deceased. How absurd!

After that book was published, Americans realized they could pay tribute to their loved ones and bury them with low-cost, dignified funerals without experiencing guilt or embarrassment.

Readers looking for a simple and inexpensive funeral should write to the Funeral Consumer's Alliance, P.O. Box 10, Hinesburg, VT 05461. The alliance has been a reliable resource for many years, and I'm pleased to recommend them.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: This is in response to "Tempted," the soccer coach who has problems with girls on his team being too "flirty" or "suggestive." Being a soccer player myself,

I have seen this situation before, as many coaches at my school today are young men.

A few years back, one of the coaches at my school became sexually involved with one of his players. When the news leaked to the community, he not only lost his job but was also charged with statutory rape. He was forced to file as a sex offender and even had to spend time in jail.

The soccer community is not very large, and this news traveled fast. This man's credibility as a coach and as a person was ruined.

If it's too hard for "Tempted" to be in this situation, then I agree with your suggestion, Abby. He needs to get a new job. –- SOCCER PLAYER IN EL DORADO HILLS, CALIF.

DEAR SOCCER PLAYER: I don't know how "small" the soccer community is, but I think I may have heard from the coach in your letter. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Take it from me, Abby -- "Tempted" does not want to cross the line that separates a coach from a player. At one time I had my dream job as a coach. However, I am also young, and I made the foolish mistake of crossing that line. To make a long story short, I had to resign my position and struggle through a very hard time. I can't begin to tell you the pain, suffering and humiliation I experienced.

What I wouldn't give to turn back the clock and handle that situation differently. Take it from me: Getting involved with a player could ruin the rest of your career. -- ANONYMOUS IN THE NORTHWEST

DEAR ANONYMOUS: True. And that's not even taking into consideration the psychological impact on the teen-age student's life.

Crushes on teachers are very common, and although a high school girl might look like a woman -- she isn't. Therefore, flirt as she may, it is the responsibility of the adult to behave like one and make sure that a firm line is drawn. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I must reply to the letter from the 26-year-old former soccer player, now a high school girls' coach. I have seen much difficulty as a result of men coaching girls' teams. I have seen many coaches fired, reputations ruined, marriages broken up and jobs lost because of similar situations. Schools are now beginning to hire female coaches, which is an excellent idea.

From the tone of the young coach's letter, he's not up to the job. Tell him he should run, not walk, away from being a coach for girls' teams. -- FORMER TEACHER, BIRMINGHAM, ALA.

DEAR FORMER TEACHER: That's exactly what I told "Tempted." I advised him that if the temptation was too much for him, I'd recommend a cold shower -- and reassignment to a boys' soccer team.

DEAR ABBY: Can you stand another humorous epitaph?

My late father always claimed that in the small Southern town where he grew up, everyone was a regular churchgoer, save one old man who was a lifelong professed atheist.

When the old guy died, my father told me his headstone read: "All dressed up and no place to go." -- BOB IN TAMPA

DEAR BOB: Which shows that not only was he an atheist, but a pessimist as well.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)